It’s a big, bad world out there. Lots of boogie men. Lots of prima-donna serial artists auditioning for Star Search. Everyone’s selling and buying, buying and selling, it’s crazy. It is what it is.

I had this dream the other night. Satan was in my television. His head was spinning around and he was speaking Spanish. They call the devil el diablo in Spanish. It’s much more dignified. After a while Satan’s head flew off and trees and plants started to grow out of his neck. This was followed by a vague period of clouds and fast-forward-type weather. When everything came to a roaring halt there was a 7-11 in the middle of the trees and plants. I went in and got a burrito. They call those burritos in Spanish. Then I woke up.

Some people think that dreams are a reflection of the subconscious. That was the first thing I thought about when I rolled out of bed. I did some research and discovered the following facts. Most people between the ages of fifteen and thirty-five dream about sex seventy-five percent of the time. The second most popular topic is past traumas that occurred to the dreamer. The third most popular topic involves the dreamer assuming some position of power, authority, or fame. Way down the list at 1,354,765 was dreams about the devil’s head spinning around and then flying off only to be replaced by a convenience store. It’s safe to say that after finding this out, I really had no intention of jumping, but it took the police a good forty-five minutes to talk me down.

If you took all the days from the beginning of time until the end of time and had to make one of those Christmas calendars with the chocolates inside, which day’s door would be the biggest? I ran that by Dave King and he had this to say: “That’s impossible, because time is infinite. The universe is never-ending, so the question can’t be answered.� Smart-ass writers. Then he says, “And what does it matter which door’s the biggest?�

I had to explain to him that at Christmas we used to get these calendars filled with chocolates. Each day had a door and the biggest door was Christmas Eve. I think Dave’s depraved childhood caught up with him right there because he was all out of smart-ass comments after that. Thinking about it later I suddenly realized my own answer to this question. Obviously, the day I dreamed of Satan’s head spinning around talking in Spanish would be behind the big door. Felices Navidades, Felices Navidades, Felices Navidades.

Millimetre. I love that word. Zillion is another excellent word. I’ve got a Zillion Millimetres.

For some reason I thought that “zillion� was an actual numerical representation. I looked it up and discovered that it’s just slang for a google. Google is a generic word used to describe large numbers, or more correctly, 1030 . You’d think a math genius could come up with better-sounding words for these things. Zillion and millimetre are good examples of cool-sounding words. Whereas “google� sounds like a weird kind of pencil that grade three kids absolutely love (actually it’s a guy’s name). Why not use terms like Mathemillitron or Octivator. At least they sound like they could be important (or the names of super-robots that live on some cool machine planet in another galaxy). Math could have been fun.

Wouldn’t that be something. Open your textbooks to page 116, we’re going to learn about Godzillatrons today. Instead of some x’s and y’s, you’d have to draw a picture of a large lizard-like robo-machine eating the entire population of Tokyo. Math tests would be the highlight of your day. I’d still be in school.

Problem 12: If Godzillatron stormed downtown Tokyo and ate one quarter of the people, how many people would be left to take up arms and try to stop him?

Problem 13: If Godzillatron destroyed one half of all the high-rises in Tokyo with his flaming breath, how many people would he have killed? (For extra credit: how many people would be crushed by falling debris?)

Problem 14: If Godzillatron fought Quadradikong in the middle of downtown New York, A) which one would crush more people if they were knocked over? B) which one could eat 1/100th of the local population per mouthful?

Instead, you’ve got x’s and y’s and quadratic equations flying around in a void of super-boredom. All of the secrets of the universe could have been revealed to us through the various shapes and names of robo-machines.

The next time you use a calculator remember one thing. Instead of punching up numbers and adding or multiplying them, you could have had two machine creatures running across that little screen eating tiny people. Eventually they would spit the answer out and, with big smiles on their faces, proceed to fight each other to the death.

There really isn’t any death in this math land. Just repairs. They’re robo-machines, they can always come back. Imagine Einstein’s notes on relativity if things had been different. That would have been one kick-ass robo-streak of mayhem.

Instead, I’m dreaming of spinning Satanic heads speaking Spanish that turn into 7-11s. Fish with no eyes, birds with two heads that try to fly in both directions at once. It’s all mixed up. There was a time when everything made sense, but it’s over now. Lost forever under the guise of fast food that isn’t all that fast, and mini-malls that aren’t for tiny people. Sometimes I wonder where to go next. And then it dawns on me that tomorrow is a new day. That’s just the way the world works. It only spins in one direction for some reason.