Yeah, it’s a tricky business all right. You’ve got to watch it when your stomach tells you to do one thing and your insatiable need to cut loose and go off tells you to do something else. You might find yourself waking up on some tennis court somewhere in hockey pants with some half-naked chick who’s collapsed in a puddle of her own vomit on the other side of the net. I speak only from experience here kids.

There are always going to be good, solid reasons for not doing a variety of extremely stupid things. Things like sitting in a lawn chair on your seventeenth birthday and drinking ten beers before deciding you have to ride your ten-speed to the store to get tomato juice. You should know better. But something in our nature disappears when inebriation takes hold. We are diminished in a way that mocks us and turns us into those people that stand sidestage during festival performances repeatedly shouting, “PLAY SOME FUCKING HIP!â€? You know who they are. They’re the ones who have hockey hair but don’t play hockey. They’re the reason classic-rock stations flourish in this backwater country of ours. We could have been so much better than this if only beer wasn’t our national pastime. But that’s not the point. The point is NOT to abuse the secret powers of motion sickness pills. They look harmless enough, all beige and pleasant. But I assure you, they are not so benign. Take care to read the following research carefully. It might just save your life someday.

Research Key:

MSP shall represent “Motion Sickness Pill(s)â€? throughout.
MSPI shall represent “Motion Sickness Pill Inebriationâ€? throughout.
DE shall stand for “Delusional Episodeâ€? throughout.

1) Sex and Motion Sickness Pills

I cannot stress this enough: if you’re going to abuse MSP and expect to have sex you’ll be in for some pleasant and not-so-pleasant surprises. The upside to sex while suffering from MSPI only applies to males. There is a better than fifty percent chance that your staying power will be increased by at least eight to ten minutes. Unfortunately, due to the fact that I am not a woman, I cannot comment on any positives to the female sexual experience during MSPI. The negatives, on the other hand, are far more varied and troubling. There is approximately a forty percent chance that you’ll succumb to the effects of fatigue long before anything even happens. There is also roughly a ten percent chance that you will have a DE involving the person you are with. This usually involves your partner appearing to be a giant lizard of some kind. There is also the possibility that sexual stimulation might be reduced if massive amounts of alcohol have been consumed along with the MSP. In such cases it is highly unlikely that you’ll be able to stand or focus, let alone have sex with a living person. Corpses, on the other hand, don’t tend to move so they’re a little easier to manipulate. If it comes to sex with the dead I wouldn’t worry about it too much. You’ll probably be so out of it that you’ll be experiencing a permanent DE and will most likely think you’re manhandling Carol Alt. (Carol, dear, if you read this don’t be angry: literary license and all.)

2) Operating Complicated Machinery and Appliances

By far this is the most dangerous aspect of MSPI. Attempting to drive a car, work a washing machine, or bake cookies can turn into acts that rival the dangers of walking through a minefield. There is nothing worse for people suffering from MSPI than trying to drive a car, train, boat, plane, or zeppelin. The effects of MSP can vary in such circumstances but the most common ones are as follows:

a) Double vision.
b) Loss of depth perception.
c) Loss of peripheral vision.
d) The effects of altitude are diminished.
e) Having no sense of whether you are horizontal or vertical.
f) The delusion that you are Aqua Man.
g) You will most likely NOT look good doing it.
h) Onboard stereo manipulation while moving is unlikely.
i) Comprehending the difference between D, R, and P will be impossible. They will all appear to be the letter Q.

When it comes to operating household appliances you’ve got to remember some fundamental things. Electricity, heat, and extreme cold are usually involved (radiation and extremely fast-moving dangerous parts being a close second). You should note that the following effects may occur while attempting appliance use:

a) A complete loss of vision (but that’s usually because you’ve simply forgotten to turn the lights on).
b) The inability to feel pain caused by extreme heat, such as sticking a hot iron to your forehead.
c) The inability to detect extreme cold or freezer burn.
d) The inability to properly manipulate door knobs, handles, or buttons of any kind.
e) The overwhelming desire to flip over the lawnmower while it’s running and stare at the blades as they whip around.
f) Operating any kind of power drill or tool will usually cause seizures.
g) Locating ON-OFF buttons is near-impossible.

3) Speech and Motion Sickness Pills

Most people have difficulty speaking as it is, let alone doing it while using MSP. It’s safe to say that you probably won’t be making much sense while under the effects of the pills. Although in rare instances, you might find yourself saying things that far surpass the intelligence that you display on a regular basis. In such cases I strongly suggest that you just go with it. Because let’s face it, when are you going to sound that articulate again?

That said, ninety-nine percent of the time you’ll probably encounter slurred speech and a complete loss of any vocabulary that consists of three syllables or more. This will reduce your ability to communicate to the lowest possible levels, leaving you with the mental prowess of a two-year-old. Such effects are bound to wear off in anywhere from four to six hours, though some people might experience a prolonged speech problem for up to three days depending on whether or not they’ve mixed their MSP with other drugs. If this occurs try to remain calm and, preferably, locked in a room without windows, sharp objects, or lava lamps.

Anyone who bothers to abuse MSP is going to have to live with the fact that speech difficulties are just par for the course. There’s really nothing you can do about it, so just relax and try your best to nod and smile when someone says something to you. The fact that your inner monologue is just as poor as your outer one will be freaking you out enough as it is. So trying to make sense of anything will simply be a waste of your time.

4) The Effects of MSP Abuse on Personal and Working Relationships

Make no mistake about it, it’s going to be a rough ride. If you’ve come to the decision that MSP are going to be a permanent part of your life then you’re going to have to deal with a few facts. First, you can forget about entering into, or remaining in, any kind of romantic relationship. There’s just no way that someone else is going to be able to put up with your habit. There is always the chance that you’ll stumble across a fellow MSP user and life will be grand, but it’s unlikely. It’ll start out alright at first. You’ll just do it on the weekends and everything will seem okay. But as time passes your significant other will begin to notice some ugly changes in you and will eventually call it quits. So you’re going to have to decide pretty quick: the pills or the person?

Hiding a MSP habit from co-workers will also be impossible. There’s just no way to keep something like that hidden for long. So you’ve got two choices. Either you throw yourself down some stairs while on the job and get worker’s comp or start enjoying the benefits of welfare. There’s no way you’ll be able to function at work after a thirty-six-hour MSP binge. No one said that substance abuse was going to be easy. So, once again, you’re going to have to make a choice: MSP or employment? Your call.

5) Mixing Your MSP With Other Substances

It’s a well-known fact that the effects of MSP start to wear off after a while if you’re doing them straight. The next step is to start mixing them with other substances to elevate their potential. The most common mixer is alcohol, preferably hard liquor. Most hardcore MSP addicts will usually mix their pills with either whiskey or vodka. You should stay away from rum, gin, wine, and beer as these tend to make the ride either too rough or not rough enough. If you’re new to the experience you should know one thing though: no MSP user ever takes more than one pill when mixing with booze. It’s just foolishness. Well, the whole thing is foolishness really, so whatever.

When it comes to mixing MSP with other drugs I’m at a loss. It’s an extremely dangerous practice to say the least. One of two things is going to happen in such circumstances. One: you’re going to go way too low, or Two: you’re going to go way too high. Let’s just say that there’s a difference between the normal MSP addict and those who are destructive. If you’re going to bother making the most of an over-the-counter drug then why fuck about with ones that aren’t.

When it comes to mixing with other over-the-counter drugs (and prescription drugs) here’s a short list of ones that are okay (and may even enhance things a bit).

-Nyquil (never Dayquil)
-Zithromax (250 mgs and up)
-Zopiclone (preferably less that 7.5 mgs)
-Cefaclor (250 mgs and up)
-Ciprofloxacin (500 mgs standard)
-Co Actifed syrup
-Ether
-Mescalin