Multiple homicide. Always annoying when it comes to that uncomfortable time between your arraignment and your trial. It’s during this particular stretch that most defendants begin to slip a little and those guilty feelings begin to surface. And let’s face it, you damn well knew what you were doing so don’t try to convince me otherwise. They’re gonna hook you up to a polygraph and get what they want so there ain’t any use practising your poker face. It may have been enough to convince all those college girls to help you look for your lost dog in the woods but it doesn’t fly when it comes to “the machine.â€?

But don’t panic just yet. You’re still miles from the maximum wing and years from the big gas up. There’s gonna be weeks of debating your mental state as it is, not to mention the fact that your lawyer will probably be able to fend off the district attorney with promises of a full confession that you’ll provide once they have a deal to let you do your time in a loony bin instead of a prison. If that fails then there’s always the chance that you could conveniently remember where you left some bodies or that there were actually more names on your kill sheet than originally thought.

Such tactics are commonplace in these situations. Lawyers need to exhaust these options so it looks like they did their best before they admit to you that you’re fucked and you’re gonna get shot up with enough wacky juice to light up a medium-sized town.

This is where I come in. I’m the ray of sunshine in your otherwise abysmal and rotting inner hell. So relax and just do what I tell you to do and everything will be okay. It’s no secret that temporary insanity is the most widespread cause for juries doubting all sanity-based cases these days. Temporary insanity is a contradiction in terms. To be insane temporarily is to admit that you’re actually sane most of the time. Who, in their right mind, is gonna believe that? “Yes, I did gun down eight people in a fast-food restaurant, but I wasn’t myself at the time, because my dad didn’t take me to ball games when I was a kid and my boss puts too much pressure on me, so I snapped there for a second, but I feel better now.â€?’ You are fucking nuts. You can forget about any jury taking you seriously when it comes to weak-ass defensive shit like that. They’ll send you to prison simply because you thought they were stupid enough to buy that.

But there is hope. And it comes disguised as many voices and a complicated mosaic of inner turmoil and struggle. Psychiatrists call this particular malady “multiple personality disorder.â€? Welcome to the psychological land of milk and honey, all six of you.

So I’m gonna walk you through this step by step. But it’s important to remember some things while we’re going through this so you don’t get ahead of yourself. First of all, I’m no shrink. Far from it. So don’t blame me if you don’t have what it takes to pull this off. I’m just giving you the background. Everything after that is up to you. Secondly, always remember to put your own personal spin on all of this. You’ll come to the realization that it’s much easier to create your own alternate self than it is to copy my examples directly.

There are typically two or more different personalities involved. So, depending on your retention and standards of precision, you’ll want to choose a number that’s right for you. Take this into account though. The two personalities thing is always weak. If you only have one alternate personality to fall back on it’s not so easy to convince a jury that you had absolutely no control over your actions. Theoretically it shouldn’t matter, but there’s something about the number two that just doesn’t fly with juries. As far as they’re concerned it just doesn’t make sense for one personality to be fully in control a part of the time and another to be in control the rest of the time. This is possible of course, but to a bunch of relatively sane people who most likely just want to see you fry it’s a little sketchy.

Two personalities can easily be diagnosed as “a split personalityâ€? and that’s just not the game we’re playing here. So introduce another personality, or voice, into the mix and you’ve got yourself a mediator of sorts. This represents an inner struggle between the “goodâ€? you and the “evilâ€? you. Call it what you like, this third voice is your best way to confuse the issue by turning a half-ass defensive grasp at straws into what appears to be a complex and quite involved psychiatric condition.

Once a jury is confronted with any aspect of confusion, such as the kind created by three independent personalities, you’ll begin to realize that they’re just as confused as you allegedly were when you killed those people. And that’s the crucial element. Once they equate the complexity of that confusion with their own thought processes then you’re halfway to home.

The other half of a winning strategy relies solely on your ability to perform. You have to act the part to such a degree of precision and detail that there can be no doubts. No prosecutor should be able to find holes in your performance. I have to emphasize: if, at any time, you slip up and do something that might indicate that there are discrepancies in your mental deficiency then there’s no getting the loony train back on the tracks. You are, for lack of a better phrase, completely and utterly fucked.

So after you’ve decided on your strategy, start living the part immediately. Don’t wait until you get into the courtroom to start working all those newly devised inner voices. Don’t even tell your lawyer what you’re doing. It’ll be better if he or she doesn’t know. Your lawyer will begin to see signs of your malady and will, hopefully, request a court-appointed psychiatrist to come in and evaluate you. If you can convince a shrink then you can convince anyone. But before we continue let’s be clear: it’s highly unlikely that this particular method is going to get you off free and clear. The best you can hope for is a verdict of guilty by reason of insanity. If you’re going to try and convince a jury that you committed a horrific crime because there are a multitude of other people living in your head then there’s no way they’re going to let you walk.

You should take some time now to decide what you want to do. If you are lucky enough to be sent to a mental institution for the criminally insane instead of death row then you’re going to have to feign this illness for many, many years to come. And, if there comes a time when they discover that you were bullshitting, then they’ll probably put you on an express elevator to hell. You might be an evil genius, but it’s a pretty big undertaking. So take a second and mull it over.

This section is going to give you a little insight into how one goes about creating a believable façade. These are just examples, mind you, so remember that you’re going to want to create your own profile. For my profile I decided to go with five personalities: Little Johnny, Pete, Bob, Steve, and Omen-Damien. Using these five different personalities I’ll hopefully be able to provide you with a good example of how best to utilize this mental construct.

Little Johnny: This is the part of your personality that represents you when you were a child. Maybe daddy beat you with a pipe wrench, maybe mommy locked you in the basement for the winter, your choice. But there’s a better than even chance that you actually did suffer through some form of child abuse (or, according to those politically correct types, you wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place). Slip into this personality when you’re being threatened. Try your best to act like you’re nine years old again and scared shitless. Crying can also come in handy. This is the personality that you use to evade any line of questioning that causes anxiety. Either this one or the violent one.

Pete: The trick to this personality is that it doesn’t know there are other people living in your head. Pete thinks he is sane and doesn’t understand why all of this is happening to him. As far as he’s concerned he just woke up with blood all over his clothes and couldn’t figure out where it came from.

Bob: This is the irrational personality. You’ll most likely want to make Bob somewhat illogical, quick to violence, and impervious to physical posturing by others. This is the personality that likes physicality (such as rape, bludgeoning a victim, or dominating them in some overtly brutish way). If the whole thing (the trial, the questions, whatever) starts getting to you, you can always use this personality to strike back. Simply fly off the handle and attack the prosecutor. There’s nothing better than being tackled to the ground as some maniac and coming up Pete. Works every time.

Steve: Every psychotic killer needs their charming side. Charisma isn’t always a given when it comes to criminals, but for some reason mass murderers seem to have the market cornered. This is the personality that lures, persuades, tempts, and baffles. Steve will show no sign of intent and will always come across as being almost too friendly. Of course, the goal of this personality is usually to slowly strangle his victims while listening to Barry White and drinking boxed wine. This personality can be useful and harmful. A killer yes, but always sexually motivated. Rape is out of the question, by the way. Steve is too good to stoop so low. He’s actually able to score before he gets to the killing part. Hence the term “lady killer.â€? Use Steve if there’s a female on the prosecution’s team. It’ll start to creep people out before long and will provide you with hours of endless fun.

Omen-Damien: Those that possess a limited intellect dare not attempt to utilize this last personality for fear of making those of us that are evil geniuses look bad. This is the hidden voice that controls the vocal voices. Typically, this personality has constructed the others to provide a buffer between it and what it sees as “accountability.â€? As far as Omen-Damien is concerned he was brilliant enough to get the others to do the dirty work. Whether it be Steve or Bob it doesn’t really matter. On occasion Omen-Damien will pop up and do some of the dirty work himself, but only when the situation calls for something artistic, precise, or expedient. This is the personality you’ll want to use to baffle people. Using big words and comparing murder to art is always a sure-fire way to make the whole thing hit home. You can use this personality to call up the others if you like. But make sure it’s the only one that has direct contact with them. The other four should not realize that they’re a part of a much bigger picture. The only personality that Damien will not attempt to contact is Pete. Pete is off limits because he’s useful in times of crisis. It’s always good to keep someone around that doesn’t know anything and Omen-Damien realizes this. Shrinks will be trying to pull him out in an attempt to gain some insight into methodology and intent. Give them nothing! Make sure you never answer any question without being evasive and egomaniacal. Unless, that is, you are stupid enough to be tricked. If so, you’re done for.

You might want to spend some time reading a variety of books about criminal insanity and psychological methods of discovery. You also might want to think about injuring yourself on a regular basis to reinforce the fact that you’re nuts. There’s nothing better than hitting your head against a wall for a while until blood is drawn to make others wonder if you’re going to try and bite their ears off. That said, I can only wish you the best of luck in your endeavour. I’m confident that you’ll do just fine. Look at me. I’m living proof that it can work. Instead of spending the rest of my life in prison I get to spend it loaded up on drugs in a mental institution for the criminally insane. At least I get to be examined and interviewed by a whole bunch of sexy female grad students a couple times a year. Ahhh. Now doesn’t that bring back some memories.