Were I allowed to do anything I wanted in one day, I would:

1. Fly 500 Etheopian children to North America, give them all tasers and drop them off in front a Super Value.
2. Buy the Bud Girls some good beer.
3. Buy Disneyland and replace Mickey as the official mascot with a guy dressed up like Michael Myers.
4. Purchase the USS Independence and enter the America’s Cup.
5. Rebuild the Canada Arm in the space shuttle so that every time it’s deployed it gives the world the finger.
6. Build an indoor water slide park so immense that it could be viewed from space by the naked eye.
7. Bring back J.P. Patches.
8. Get The Bat moved from Canada’s Wonderland to my backyard.
9. Bring back One Ton Bubble Gum.
10. Buy the Arsenal Gunners.
11. Replace every gun on earth with those plastic guns that fire ping pong balls and proceed to start a world war.

Invaluable Inventions Of The 20th Century: numbers 49 through 86

49. Etch-A-Sketch
50. The Slip & Slide
51. Deprivation chambers
52. Total Control
53. Lawn mowers that you can drive
54. Soap on a rope
55. Television
56. Television trays
57. Television dinners
58. Bank Shot
59. Lite-Brite
60. Those things you stick at the end of corn on the cob so you don’t burn your hands
61. Clear plastic clothing
62. Hot Shots
63. X-ray glasses (don’t kid yourself, the government has had them for years)
64. The invisible dog on a leash
65. Velcro-up sneakers
66. Roller derby
67. Any kind of half-assed, secretly self serving ‘People’s’ Revolution’
68. Particle accelerators
69. Coin operated vibrating beds
70. Parachutes
71. Parachute pants
72. The Clapper
73. Watches that glow in the dark
74. Condoms that glow in the dark
75. Glow in the dark condoms that tell time
76. The ‘Do It Yourself Backyard Bomb Shelter Kit’
77. Crazy Straws
78. The Mega Track 2000
79. Those sprinklers that go t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhht-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t
80. Bumper Pool
81. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter
82. The electric bull
83. Cars with ejection seats
84. Blitzkrieg
85. Anti-bacterial fruit & vegetable soap
86. Lawn darts

Immeasurable Losses Of The 20th Century: numbers 4 through 6

4. The element of surprise
5. Your imagination
6. I’ve forgotten six