I have come to the conclusion that I am in fact the “Find Waldo” of the global tourist slide show circuit.

I live and spend my days in Gastown, it’s old, and it’s steeped in historic architecture and lore, and I love it. However, every year when the sun rears its head, Gastown becomes a buzz in tourists brandishing cameras and cam corders in hopes of getting footage of the Gastown Steam Clock, which most believe to be from the Victorian era. They congregate and seem to ogle it as though it were the Pontiff himself about to stroll to a window of the Vatican to bless the flock, or the clock, if you will.

This is actually pretty humorous to me as the Steam clock was in fact constructed in the height of the cocaine addled Disco 70’s. If you listen closely to the clock you can occasionally hear Chaka Khan’s I’m Every Woman under the ever so annoying whistling the clock exudes on an hourly basis. Perhaps this subliminal ghost of white flared pants and rollerskates is what attracts a crowd so large that Donna Summer’s is probably mounting a come back tour coming soon to a state fair near you.

So here’s the thing. I enjoy the coffee, I enjoy the coffee often. In order to get to my green logo’d dealer I must bob and weave through this sadly miss led crowd of photographers whom appear to be awaiting a press conference from the next alleged father of Anna Nicole’s baby. Does it anger me, well…yes! After all I’m Jonesing for my caffeine fix and tripods and the likes slow me up which increases my withdrawal headache to the point of having irrational thoughts about loading up a golf cart up with screechers and bottle rockets and driving it through the clock to put and end to the madness. Daddy needs to feed the addiction, damn it!

Now about the Find Waldo part: It occurred to me the other day that after many years of walking the clocks red carpet I must be in thousands of photographs making the rounds in slide shows across the world. I pictured people getting together to enjoy pictures of the different times they visited Vancouver only to realize - hey, isn’t that the same guy we saw in the background of Larry’s slide show in 94? Sweet mother of god, it’s him! Look how disgruntled he is - I think he is going to take the clock out!!

Lloyd, put your slides in and lets see if he’s in yours too. Yup - there he is! Helen, call your cousin Hans and get him to fire his slides up and have a look for this jackass! YUP he’s everywhere!!

I am now fully convinced that there is a game a foot to see if people who have visited the clock can spot me in the background of their pictures. Ego? maybe. Is it True? I’m certain of it!

If you happen to tune into CNN one night and see a picture of a Golf Cart inside of a flaming clock, chances are it’s me, not Osama Bin Laden.