June
June was named after the Roman Goddess Juno, just as July was named after Julius Caesar, and August after his great nephew, Augustus.
For some reason June is a weird month for me. Everything paramount in my life has occurred in June. I was born in June, I got married in June, my divorce will become official at the beginning of June, and Casey, with whom I have closest relationship of all my dogs, was also born in June.
With the exception of one of those things, you’d think it would be a pretty good month to remember, but for some reason it’s always the worst month of the year for me. It’s like there’s a bad moon for me as spring turns to summer, one that, for years, I’ve been unable to escape. So this year I thought I’d try something different – I’m getting out of town altogether. In fact, out of the country altogether.
One of my best friends lives in Las Vegas, and his neighbour, who runs a business in Edmonton and usually only uses his house down there during the winter, has graciously offered it to me for the summer. So, after the XM Radio special in DC, I’m off to the Vegas suburbs for an undetermined amount of time to lay on an air mattress in the pool in the backyard and attempt, as Nicholas Cage did in Leaving Las Vegas, to drink myself to death in hopes of being rescued by a hooker with a heart of gold.
True, Vancouver is also replete with swimming pools, alcohol, and hookers - all of which can conveniently be found in Yaletown. I suppose the paramount difference, in my experience anyway, is the ‘heart of gold’ factor. Thus, there surely must be something buried deep within Sin City’s depravities that, like a lighthouse in the darkest of harbours, shines unseen in her neon depths. I will be, of course, some distance from her world famous strip, replete with unending monuments of glass, steel, and green felt. But somewhere out there, in that glowing desert, there must surely be a drowning savior with as little regard for June as I have.
For those of you stuck in Alberta this June, you might want to take a trip to Big Valley Alberta, where you’ll find the brand new Big Valley Creation Science Museum, a place to reflect on the fallacies of evolution and the realities of creationism.
Personally, I’m not sure which I find the more believable entity. The hooker with a heart of gold or an invisible, intangible super-being.
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May 27th, 2007 at 5:10 pm
Good for you. You’re being proactive, doing something to get yourself out of a potentially harmful situation, and that is excellent to see. I am also hoping that once the HM promotions/tour are done, you’ll get yourself back to Europe and complete the travels you’d set your heart on last Autumn.
May 27th, 2007 at 5:17 pm
This is the preemptive ‘Matt, don’t drink yourself to death in Las Vegas!’ comment, before people who took that seriously get in with their own.
May 27th, 2007 at 5:20 pm
Did it not occur to you that if the unforseen powers truly want to again hit you with something significant in June, that they will no matter where you are residing? Here’s to hoping it’ll be something mind-blowing (or whatever “blowing” one might prefer haha) that happens if anything at all.
May 27th, 2007 at 5:24 pm
don’t forget the sun block
May 27th, 2007 at 5:31 pm
I’d heard about that museum…some myself and some acquaintances are thinking of driving down there to mock the proprietors.
May 27th, 2007 at 5:39 pm
nuts to an air mattress, those blow up whales are a sobriety test and a place to rest all in one.
May 27th, 2007 at 5:40 pm
I was born in June, I got married in June, I’m too poor to get divorced, and I don’t have a dog. When I was a kid, weird things used to always happen in June, but not really bad stuff…
All I have to say is don’t go for long walks when it’s 104 outside (sunstroke is a bitch!). That, and have a great and/or relaxing time. I’d love to read some Matt-penned fiction about the crazy city of Las Vegas…
May 27th, 2007 at 5:41 pm
Exactly, dont block the sun and enjoy yourself. My self , I get two weeks of vacation from my job and I am taking the bus most likely to Houston Texas for the 2007 CONCACAF Gold Cup and staying at a Motel 6 and sleeping for most of the time their. It will be fun. But anyways, enjoy your time in Los Vegas and dont get into to much trouble.
May 27th, 2007 at 5:58 pm
That sounds like an awesome escape man.. Have a great time — drink a few beers by the pool for me.
May 27th, 2007 at 6:50 pm
It kinda sounds like that astrological calender stuff.. They seem to be able to calculate fluctuations in peoples energy levels. (possibly BS ??) I am always ALWAYS worse for wear when December comes around.. I have a very disjointed family and there is all this pressure that christmas brings to the table to mess with things. I dread decembers.. I dread the fact that everything is supposed to feel like one big happy family and yet it just leaves me feeling that my family knows little about who I am, and doesn’t seem to give a shit either way. It is also the time when we think… what the fuck have we just been doing with ourselves for the past year..
May 27th, 2007 at 6:54 pm
Me and some buddies will be road tripping to this bastion of science and knowledge on the opening weekend, I’ll be sure to forward any pics / video we get. It’s strange that the owner of this museum says he is a member of Mensa, rock solid evidence that smart people don’t necessarily think.
May 27th, 2007 at 7:08 pm
“intangible super-being” - You obviously haven’t been touched by FSM’s noodly appendage…pray harder!
May 27th, 2007 at 7:18 pm
enjoy.. you lucky bastard. are you leaving your dogs?
May 27th, 2007 at 9:19 pm
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!
Does this entry make any other girl contemplate a career change? Or is that just me?
May 27th, 2007 at 10:44 pm
There’s another (much bigger, more lavish) Creationism museum opening in Kentucky (link), and a New York Times article about it.
Personally I really want a remastered “Ten Commandments” that features Moses riding a utahraptor.
May 27th, 2007 at 11:46 pm
Have a blast in Vegas Matt. Hope “June” turns out to be a woman with the aforementioned “heart of gold” and not just a crappy month for you.
May 27th, 2007 at 11:52 pm
Just don’t get on the plane in June. That’s just inviting disaster.
May 28th, 2007 at 2:31 am
I arrived home from said Las Vegas just hours ago…f’ing hot Matt…f’ing hot.
May 28th, 2007 at 4:43 am
Come on the Hooker with the heart of gold has to exist, otherwise what the hell have I been doing with my entire adult life?
May 28th, 2007 at 6:36 am
Wear that cool “I’m not a terrorist” tshirt to the airport.
May 28th, 2007 at 7:03 am
Well have fun!!!!! Wish I could join you as this June is going to be hell for me and I would just like to get away from it all myself!!!
May 28th, 2007 at 7:09 am
when is the DC Special?
May 28th, 2007 at 8:25 am
May and June are hard on me too…
I lost my Ex around this Time last Year….
- he was Way too Young to die -
May 28th, 2007 at 8:32 am
Well, what about Earnhardt? You call him ‘June’ don’t ya??
May 28th, 2007 at 10:12 am
If you wake up in a hotel room with a tape recorder strapped to your chest, in knee-high waders with a raptor tail and water up to your knees, blood strew about and writing all over the walls, you’ll know you’ve had a decent time- hooker with heart of gold or not.
May 28th, 2007 at 12:42 pm
Don’t order too much room service; you’ll be running from the managers come checkout time.
May 28th, 2007 at 1:11 pm
so you think you’ll be having a night out in Vegas for your b-day? Mine is July 4th, not long after yours….so cheers to us both.
May 28th, 2007 at 3:15 pm
I am more than a little jealous. I have been having a torrid love affair with Vegas for quite awhile.
She beckons me to the desert…..She makes me abuse myself and spends all my money.
Then she sends me crawling home bruised and broken.
She is a harsh Mistress but I love her.
Have a great time.
May 28th, 2007 at 3:26 pm
Have a great time in Vegas. I have family that lives there and it is so beautiful . I love to wake up and see the mountains.
May 28th, 2007 at 4:01 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YV5Mdn11Q8
Here’s a rather beautiful video with a fantastic song entitled “Nothing Happens in June” to accompany it.
Sorry, this post just drew it to my mind. I hope you have a good time!
May 28th, 2007 at 4:18 pm
Oh Big Valley….why do I still live in this province?
May 28th, 2007 at 5:34 pm
Any chance of a small accoustic set before your escape?
May 28th, 2007 at 6:20 pm
I totally get the feeling of wanting to drink yourself to death like on Leaving Las Vegas. But don’t do it! Me and you both have to hang on. Me for the little baby I just had a month ago tomorrow. And you, for all of us. You give me strength and help me to remember that there is beauty in the world. Thanks for that Matt. Have a good time in Vegas. If there is one place I would like to go in my dreariest of states, it would be Vegas!!!
May 29th, 2007 at 4:58 pm
Wow. That’s quite the museum.
Have fun in Vegas. Maybe you can win back some of the cash that I lost there last week… Most of it’s at The Stratosphere & The Sahara. $3 blackjack can still suck away a lot of money… Just a bit slower.
Enjoy your alcoholic bliss & good luck with the search for the heart of gold. I’m sure there are still some out there somewhere.
May 30th, 2007 at 12:11 am
shit they better be, or i quit now!
that really was a good movie, despite what some ppl i know think of it.
May 30th, 2007 at 10:46 pm
I own that movie! And believe me…you’re much hotter than Nick Cage! (sorry had to be said!lol)
Aside from that…your blog entries over the last few months have made me laugh hysterically, and cry hysterically. In a way, it’s been an emotional release, as my Mom suffers from depression too. Without personally knowing you, you’ve managed to get me thru alot of trying times, and for that I thank you.
Now: go to Vegas, drink too much,and find that heart of gold dammit!