Like A River Running Backwards
I went to bed early last night, around nine. My internet has been complete crap lately, and it’s made me unbearable (it has to be Shaw too, because my Airport seems fine). Isn’t that ridiculous, that a snail-like connection speed can affect a person to such an extent that they’re unbearable? The truth is, and I’ll not lie, the net is probably my best friend. And when it’s not reliable, it really pisses me off.
So I went to bed at nine. I was tired anyway. I have been tired lately in general. I usually have to sleep these days at some point in the afternoon because of the medication that I’m on, but I didn’t yesterday. So last night I hit a wall and, besides the clorazipam that is included in my nightly drug regiment, popped a few Tylenol Suddenly Sleep’s and continued watching the first season of Rome, which I have probably now watched ten or eleven times, before my eyes started to sink and I put my laptop on the side table and fell asleep.
I dreamed of something last night that I have been dreaming about a lot lately. About the disappearance of people from our lives – as if they never existed, as if like some random holiday photo that has become too worn in your wallet to make out properly, they represent something that might have happened but you’re just not sure it did. Three floors below me, Rod spends his nights dreading his phone ringing, wondering the same things, wondering how we ended up here, in this building, as if in a foreign country.
I dreamed and woke up and, as is always the case since I moved here last October, did not recognize where I was. Every morning it takes a few minutes for it to register, for me to remember where I am, for the ceiling to make sense. I lay there rubbing my eyes, the dogs clawing their way from beneath the covers, and find myself asking them if they want to go out – in a foreign language.
A friend visiting last week said that I seemed like I wasn’t really ‘there’, like I was a series of levers and pulleys, cranks and cogs, springs and wires, but not controlling them. Like a Frankenstein perhaps, or John Malkovich inhabited by strangers destined for that grassy sloped ditch on the New Jersey Turnpike.
I didn’t know how to answer, nor how to feel about it. Up until that point I had grown so accustomed to ignoring the possibility that it had come to make an incredibly comforting amount of sense.
Because I don’t own a television, and have generally come to detest watching it, I only buy entire seasons of those television series that I enjoy. Besides Rome, my most preferred show is, by far, Deadwood, which I think is one of the best written shows in television history. Like Rome, I have watched both the first and second seasons of Deadwood ten to twenty times each.
I watch films in bed. I have no idea why, but I have always preferred it. In fact, when it comes to most things, doing them horizontally is preferable, and that includes eating. The Romans, the nobility anyway, tended to eat whilst laying, and I have always loved them for it. They got that right, beyond several other hundred things that were lost during the Dark Ages – like the actual celebration of a liberal society. Obviously it had its drawbacks – slaves and bloody conquests and what not - but I simply can’t fault them for the openness of their society in general. In a way, I feel cheated I suppose, as if humanity were, in some ways, a river flowing backwards rather than forwards.
So I sit here and smoke and read and look out the window. Sometimes I take the dogs to the park so that they can run around, or walk them around the neighbourhood to get some exercise. It has all become an alien landscape though, despite the fact that I spent my twenties in this part of town playing shows and sitting in the basements of run-down clubs listening to the aspirations of a music community that had no real definable cohesion. I don’t know, maybe it was an alien landscape then as well.
They say that ignorance is bliss, and I am slowly becoming enamored with the possibility that that maxim is true. Maybe, when all is said and done, the only reality that we must eventually face is that when we wake up each morning that we are alone, even if there is someone next to us. And that even though you can understand what they’re saying to you, they will forever be speaking another language. Perhaps that is the way of the world, perhaps not.
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May 11th, 2007 at 4:07 pm
I’ve always felt as if I were back inside my head somewhere, almost as if I was controlling myself John Malkovich style. The times in my life where I’ve felt present, I was too present, too close to the outside of my skin and everything affected me. The farther back I go, the more distance that’s there, the more I can handle. I view it as a trade-off. I’m either all here and taking too much in and being unable to function normally, or I’m a little numb but more able to go about day to day tasks without dying from embarrassment inside.
I’ve always struggled with how to explain to people in my life that I know I’m alone. Because it’s not a value judgment on them or their roles in my life at all. In the case of my parents, they’ve seen me through countless surgeries and issues surrounding them, but when you walk down that hallway into the operating room - you are alone. No matter who is waiting in the waiting room, you are alone. Especially as a child. You have to lay down on the cold table and you have to breathe the gas and have the tubes connected and fall asleep knowing that when you wake up, you will hurt and be different on the outside. When I’ve vocalized that, I’ve tried to explain that it’s not a melodramatic statement in that instance, merely a fact.
In a way it’s like people in relationships who expect the other person to fix them or help them or make them feel better about themselves. People can help with a lot of things, but they can’t change your insides, especially if you expect them to.
I don’t even know why I typed all of this, something about your last paragraph just kind of got me.
P.S. I come home from work and get right into bed, where I eat and get online and watch DVDs on my computer with my two cats laying on my legs. Some people call it lazy, I call it coping.
May 11th, 2007 at 4:13 pm
Psh, it won’t let me edit the comment even though it hasn’t been 15 minutes. My errors remain for the world to see, oh well. Also, slow/unreliable net is like a red hot poker in the butt.
May 11th, 2007 at 4:29 pm
when my internet doesn’t work, i want to break shit. since i have a sentimental attachment to most everything i own and don’t want to break my own things, i resort to stomping and slamming doors. i have found that you are never too old for a good temper tantrum.
May 11th, 2007 at 4:32 pm
Baby, you just wanna free-ball it in a toga or toga-like garment…
Ew… also horizontal eating = indigestion, for me anyways.
HBO = greatness. Six Feet Under is by far one of the greatest series out there…
A man working at the Shawarma King once told me that I think too much. Even though it was through a heavy accent, I sure as hell knew what he was talking about.
May 11th, 2007 at 4:46 pm
I think Six Feet Under, compared to Rome or Deadwood, is entirely over-rated.
May 11th, 2007 at 4:56 pm
what about curb your enthusiasm?
May 11th, 2007 at 5:02 pm
I was thinking about that the other day.. About being alone. About how I hate it, but yet I don’t do much to try and stop it… I have friends but don’t see them often… I had a boyfriend but he left me… Family doesn’t live in the same city. I have my new little dog. But yea. Alone. We all are. And even people who think they aren’t are. And it’s ok. We just have to try and learn to deal with it.
The park for your dogs… Is it a normal park? Or a doggy park? It’s amazing with my little puppy when we go to the doggy park! She loves playing around with tons of other dogs that are there…!
May 11th, 2007 at 5:29 pm
Matt, do you think you have been too involved with bad news from around the world for a little too long? I can’t even imagine the volume of articles in your head you sift out to us each day. And it’s never usually about happier times. I think you need some happy news from around the world. But what the hell do I know. I have another dumb theory (oh I got lots) Since the record has been recorded, do you need to go and do another one right now? Is it like vacation planning, or waiting for Xmas? It’s all build up, and then the day gets there, and boom. Bored again? I like to build something, but not like it once it’s done, so I build another thing, I like to wreck something just so I can build it again. Maybe relationships, the chase is always better then the catch?
6 Feet under? overrated. Huff on the other hand. And Entourage, if nothing but just for fun. And anything on Discovery, or History, or even though half of it is over my head, The West Wing before what’s his name stopped writing for it. Then it sucked.
But again, what the hell do I know. I likey the new community link, but I still want to see more acoustic video WITH the guitar work.
How ’bout Jr leaving DEI? Wow!
Sleep better.
May 11th, 2007 at 5:38 pm
I agree with wesleyvena, Curb Your Enthusiasm is hilarious.
Also, HBO’s Band of Brothers is one of the best depiction of war and its effects on those involved that I’ve yet seen.
May 11th, 2007 at 6:08 pm
hi matt-
since you are such a DEADWOOD fan-
just wondering if you ever read the book,
by pete dexter.
its pretty great, i think.
i don’t care for his SPORTS WRITER books-
but GOD’S POCKET and BROTHERLY LOVE
are also excellent.
vincent, in buffalo
http://www.basicmagic.com
May 11th, 2007 at 6:25 pm
Everyone is alone, all of the time, but not alone. It’s very easy to get caught up in the idea of peoples singularity, i suffered from that a great deal in high school. But i found the joy is not in knowing your alone, but in trying to make those connections with those around you.
You focus on it too much, and it will consume you.
May 11th, 2007 at 7:04 pm
I’ve been thinking a lot about the aloneness too. I think I’ve been trying my whole life to not feel alone, and I’ve just recently (at the age of 29) decided to be okay with it. I think that a lot of people get married, or get into long term relationships, with the expectation that it will end their loneliness. And initially a new relationship does provide the illusion that you are no longer alone, but once the illusion wears off most people break up and start the search over again for that one special person that will end the alonenss. I’ve been married for 7 years, and I think that for a long time I was disappointed that my husband couldn’t end my feelings of aloneness. Now that I’m older, I realize that I was expecting the impossible from him.
May 11th, 2007 at 7:22 pm
Don’t give up hope that the person next to us is the best person in the world man. It’s easy to give into the possibility that they aren’t, especially after heartache and all the other crap that hte world dishes out from time to time. But I still think there’s a happy ending, and I haven’t yet given in to the belief that that belief (at least for me) is complete bullshit.
May 11th, 2007 at 8:21 pm
I can’t do the laying down doing stuff anymore. Bad back/neck/left shoulder means I’d have to put up with a ridiculous level of pain. Besides, I always fall asleep, especially when reading. I’m curious about those who seem to have their brains trained to be active whilst in a typical “sleep” position - I wonder if that sometimes affects their ability to sleep overall.
Whenever the net is down, as it was the other day, I take it as a sign that I should try doing something else with my life for a few minutes/hours; it’s a bit of a kick in the butt for me.
Not that I got off the computer or anything. :oP
May 11th, 2007 at 9:31 pm
I don’t cope well with Internet loss either. I just recently moved back home from University for an interim period and since I’ve made that move, my new room is so far away from the wireless router that my connection cuts in and out constantly. It drives me nuts when I have to wait 20 seconds for a page to load now, and yet years ago I remember feeling lucky that I was able to get free phone line Internet in my room where I might wait two minutes for any given page to load.
I always wonder whether its smart to be so dependent on technology.
May 11th, 2007 at 9:47 pm
Shaw has been crapping out on me periodically over the last week or so. But it only lasts a few minutes or so.
May 11th, 2007 at 10:34 pm
While Deadwood is good, I prefer Six Feet Under.
May 11th, 2007 at 11:09 pm
You should check to see if you have Shaw’s old Terrayon modem. It’s blue in colour. If you do, I understand it causes people some problems. You should stop by the shop on W Cordova to swap it for free for a new Motorola version. It’s not guaranteed to solve the problem, but at least you get a new modem :D
May 12th, 2007 at 12:41 am
YES
That is the way of the world…glad you’re starting to see that now.
Just hope that you will find somone that can treat you right. It’s a complex feat, but it’s a trade off. It’s ironic, I believe, that ever really truely love somone you have to get used to the fact that you’re ultimately alone.
Once you get that straight, then love becomes possible.
As for blindly devoting your heart and life to a cause that is naturally believed to be noble and just feels ultimately right, despite rationality or reason and based on blind merciless faith, well, we have another name for that…
May 12th, 2007 at 12:42 am
Get whatever sleep you can, swimming upstream for the good of us all must be tiring.
When you wake up check out the book series A Song of Ice and Fire, which will soon be made into a miniseries that will probably be much like Rome. The author, George RR Martin, makes some incredible observations on the nature of power and the conflicted lives of those that wield it.
May 12th, 2007 at 12:47 am
Sometimes we need to approach our Guidance selectively,
listening to what we feel able to follow and Ignoring the rest
to take us further down our Own Inner Path….
It’s a sign of Self Growth and Self Change…..which always
needs to be undertaken alone…..
Therefore…being or feeling alone isn’t always a bad Thing….
but an Important part of Life for building Inner Strength
and Inner Realization…..
It’s your Soul’s language speaking to you….
May 12th, 2007 at 2:46 am
Entourage is sweet. A new show that is real dark and funny is ‘The Riches’. It Stars Eddie Izzard. I think is filmed in B.C. its on the FX network but showcase has it on now.
May 12th, 2007 at 5:49 am
I saw The Riches advertise but missed it’s debut. Looks pretty cool.
Hey, isn’t there an TV Ad that calls poor internet hook up speeds ‘Connectile Dysfunction”? ha
May 12th, 2007 at 8:07 am
quit smoking matt….
May 12th, 2007 at 9:07 am
this is what i was looking for today, matthew. thank you.
and quit smoking, but let me know when you do and i will too. :)
May 12th, 2007 at 9:25 am
I think ignorance is bliss, but that is irrelevant to those that have already opened their eyes.
You are an enigma, Matt Good, a peace-loving guy who can enjoy a show like Rome–I am unable to detach the “slaves and bloody conquest and what not” from the rest of the show. On second thought, perhaps most peace-loving males are enigmas in this sense …
May 12th, 2007 at 9:35 am
“When you wake up check out the book series A Song of Ice and Fire, which will soon be made into a miniseries that will probably be much like Rome. The author, George RR Martin, makes some incredible observations on the nature of power and the conflicted lives of those that wield it.”
those are the best books i’ve ever read IN MY LIFE. i just re-read them all about a month ago and when i was finished i wanted to start them again immediately because i wasn’t ready to give up total immersion in a world not my own yet. but i’ve actually read that they aren’t going to be a mini-series, they’re gonna be an actual SERIES - with each book being an entire season. i hope that’s what they do, because i think that’s the only way they could make it really work - there are too many backstories and IMPORTANT minute details that they’d have to leave out if they did it any other way.
May 12th, 2007 at 10:05 am
Without a doubt the series is the best work of pure imagination of our time. Martin will be co-exec producer as well, so you know he will scrutinize every detail and the episodes will follow the books almost perfectly.
Seriously, anyone reading this that hasn’t gotten into a Song of Ice and Fire, I strongly recommend picking up book 1, A Game of Thrones, as soon as you can.
May 12th, 2007 at 11:18 am
If you worship cynicism you’ll never understand faith, it’s like a foreign language. ;)
May 12th, 2007 at 12:02 pm
I keep hoping by some strange twist that HBO will bring Rome back. I hate how they had to rush everything in the last episodes. Still good but would’ve liked to see the story line fleshed out more. Great series.
May 12th, 2007 at 12:24 pm
“They say that ignorance is bliss, and I am slowly becoming enamored with the possibility that that maxim is true. Maybe, when all is said and done, the only reality that we must eventually face is that when we wake up each morning that we are alone, even if there is someone next to us. And that even though you can understand what they’re saying to you, they will forever be speaking another language. Perhaps that is the way of the world, perhaps not.”
The evolutionary flaw of humans is that our actions carry such magnitude, yet we can’t understand the effects of our actions or, the true needs of others. I suppose you could say our flaw is that our communication skills, while extremely complicated, simply cannot provide true perspective between beings. We are doomed because we can’t communicate telepathically, essentially; we can’t truly understand.
Ive always found it somewhat frustrating when trying to open up to people, mainly because I either fail to communicate what I think or feel properly, or simply cannot provide the context for the other person to truly understand what I mean. I’ve generally become more resigned to this fact over the last while (rather than let it upset me) and, though I am still incredibly young, can’t help but feel that I will never feel anything other than truly alone.
“One plus one minus one equals one: It was over just as soon as it had begun” (The New Year).
There are times when I just think of myself and laugh, I mean, I am with myself 24/7, there’s no escaping me. Sometimes this is daunting, other times comforting, but usually it’s just nothing. And nobody, but me can ever be a part of that because they will never have the experiences that I have had from my exact perspective throughout my life. Just as I will never be able to get them.
I suppose Dostoyevsky may have been right when he said consciousness is a disease.
May 12th, 2007 at 12:40 pm
I miss Chappelle’s Show :(
May 12th, 2007 at 6:26 pm
Matthew
No, it is not odd that slow internet should depress you. I had tried to save money by signing up for Shaw’s “Lite” Internet - which seemed to be slower than dial up. It was acceptabel for purely text transactions like usenet and email but hopless for web, video, streaming audio, in fact all of the things that we have come to expect from the internet. I recently upgraded to regular Internet as I have now got a (poorly paid but steady) job. And it has been the difference between night and day.
Also I only got the basic cable package for my tv since I mainly watch CBC, PBS and Knowledge Network. Or DVDs from the library. I signed up for Net flix to see if I can get some more recent fare cheaply (they are about half the cost of the store)
But what really struck home was your point about being alone. Since I am recently separated I really miss my family. And seeing my kids when I can has become a chore for them and awkward for me since where I live is so small we cannot even sit around a table together.
So I am making a real effort to get out more to places where I meet and talk to people. There’s all kinds of meetings, seminars, “cafes” where serious issues get discussed. This makes life much easier than having to stick to small talk.
And as far as possible I only go to bed when i want to sleep. I never watch tv in bed any more, and if I cannot sleep I read something light and not too involving - fiction always - and have some herb tea to sip. I usually find that after 30 minutes or so my brain has slowed down enough that I can drop off again.
And PLEASE try to get off the weed. I was a tobacco addict too so I know this is not going to be easy but do not wait, as I did, for your first heart attack to get motivated enough to do it.
Best wishes and keep up the good work
May 12th, 2007 at 10:12 pm
On being alone… It very much stinks when you are alone, even if someone is right there next to you. In my own little world. I think it is worse to wake up and feel alone while someone is there.
To know that there is nothing there for you even though you can reach out and touch them, feeling completely empty and all alone.
I do however like to believe that there is someone out there for everyone. Someone who can make you happy anytime of day or night, someone who will make you feel complete, someone who understands you, someone to love and support you in the ways that you need. Someone you can wake up next to without feeling utterly alone.
May 14th, 2007 at 1:24 pm
Well just today they announced that Lebanon will join the rest of the world by making DSL available instead of dial up… Rejoice my brother and I did…. But we will have to be put on a months long waiting list before we get a connection.. By then I’ll be back in Canada, LOL… Oh well at least I’ll have a decent connection when I get back. Currently we get our internet through satellite, which according to Leb laws (Monopoly) is illegal, but hey dial up is so damn slow and us spoiled Canadian brought up kids, would do anything to get around it. Anyway, it will be nice now that we have another option.
On the being alone part, I agree with Angelboo, some times you are in a room full of people and you still feel alone. Others there is no one around yet you are at peace. I like when I am at peace.