I hang in there, as the saying goes. It’s been well over a year since my accident and I actually feel worse than I did two months ago. The physiotherapy had gone from making me stronger to giving me back pain in the form of spasms, for which I take pain killers occasionally just to sleep. Last night I was up till 3am cursing it, a sign of mental fortitude wearing off and pure frustration and anger rising up. I don’t take many pills, maybe a couple a day if I can get away with it, as I’m determined not to spend my life on these things, if possible. That and, how can I tell if I’m getting worse or better if I’m flat? So I’m stuck in this circle of pain which I’m partly responsible for.
Yet there’s much more swelling in the mind than in the body right now.
It’s a mash-up: the way that emotions slam into thoughts which create more emotions; the way that small wins and big defeats build futility; the way that a depression slips over the horizon of one’s outlook such that it’s unseen until it’s all that’s seen; the way that injuries wax and wane through degrees of disability; the way that everything in one’s life is eventually affected whether understood or not; the way that understanding is something needed and desired but you can’t slow down or get off to see where you are so it just doesn’t matter; my mother’s own illness, my brother’s illness.
I’ve developed repetitive strain in my arms from working endlessly on the web in the time I’ve been injured and off work. Its gotten to the point where I’m wearing a restrictive brace to prevent it from getting worse, and typing with just my forefingers as Matt does to lessen the burden on my arms. So, if you don’t see me around here often in the coming weeks, it’s because I’m making a change for myself and trying to step away from the box a little more often and concentrate on my healing a bit more.
Throughout an ordeal and challenge like this, some things do become known, found. It has at least become clear that the psychological coping mechanisms I have can override physical needs almost entirely. Mind over matter in this way can be beneficial, but it can also become purely a tact for avoidance. Working with the web is a passion of mine, and one which won’t go away anytime soon. In an effort to fill my life with something positive and move myself forward with what talent I could use, I am now aware that its time I pursued my health for awhile with more dedication to ensure the best recovery possible.
I’ve no idea whether I’ll improve physically from here on, however. It seems now more than ever that I’m going to have some permanent limitations in my life. Grappling with that reality, what it means for me and my choices in the future, will take time.
The hardest part of all of this right now is that to look at me, I appear fine. There’s no visible disability. Others simply cannot see the daily pain, the way that it has worn me down inside, the way that I manage to make the most of myself and my time with others in spite of it all. That is something I both privately feel good about, and conversely think makes it harder in the end.
Hanging in there, even if by a silken thread.
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Get better soon!!!!
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Damn. I’m sorry to hear that, Dale. Do they have you doing anything at home to supplement the PT visits? After a family member had a couple of major back surgeries he was given a book of low-impact things to do to help rebuild his back muscles, and he is firm in believing that doing those regularly did as much, if not more, than the post-op PT did.
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I understand pain that can’t be seen……
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Have you looked in to acupuncture? As it tends to help with the pain, as well as the mental aspects that no one can see(or diagnos for that matter) Aquatherapy may be another option for the physical pain as well, since the bouyancy of the water helps support you while you(not a PT)works your body. Commend yourself on a great effort to forge through this, even when you feel like you do…just remember that you are still hanging in there, and not free falling….which is commendable in itself!
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I hope the pain goes away and you feel better real soon!
Take Care Dale!
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This website is updated more frequently than most others I visit. Enjoy your well-deserved time of rest and feel better, Dale.
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This sucks to read, seriously. I have a story similar to yours but with a close family member. I understand.
Pain is sneaky. It establishes itselt and then becomes an regular unwanted guest. You’re in my thoughts for recovery.
very Hallmark of me :)
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Get well soon
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Be well man, and yeah, glad to hear you’re gonna unjack from the matrix a little more. It’s easy to get into the routine of being on the computer 24-7, trust me I know.
If you don’t already do it, you might want to consider keeping a paper journal of everything. It’s easy to forget that you’re making progress sometimes if you rely on your own memory. At least it was for me.
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Dale, I was in a car accident a year and half ago, where I injured my lower back. The pain was the most horrifying experience -there was nothing you could do to ease it, yet you look fine on the outside, so no one can really relate what you’re going through (dealing with ICBC who downplayed the injury was also the most frustrating thing ever!). At the time of the accident, I was just completing my yoga fitness instructor training, and i was fearing I’d never get to actually teach due to the pain and complete lack of flexibility the injury caused. However, I’m very thankful to be able to tell you that I’m managing fine these days. My flexibility is better than ever and I feel healthy and strong. I currently teach up to 13 yoga classes a week and I’m pain free. I credit yoga with the successful healing, learning to truly listen to my body and mind.
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All you need is a little athelas.
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‘Kingsfoil’ for you hobbits.
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It’s bizarre pain… especially that not seen… it’s deemed intangible. It’s frustrating when severity can be unexplainable.
The brace will help. I tend to feel better when I use mine (I have carpal tunnel from assembly line work). Actually sometimes I have to sleep with it because it hurts to just hold my wrist loose sometimes. I dunno how often you wear your brace but try it when you’re sleeping.
If you’re still hurting I hope you’re still going to physio.
Feel better.
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Have you thought of trying something like Chiropractic adjustments? I think you may find that they could help with many of your aches and pains.
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someone mentioned acupuncture…it’s a great quick fix solution, but unfortunately that’s all it is - a quick fix! it’s also addictive because it works so well (at least i found for myself anyway!) and therefore becomes pretty pricey when you start going multiple times a week.
unfortunately the only real fix is the long & painful process of muscle rebuilding and strengthening.
be well! :)
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I’d have to disagree that acupuncture is a ‘quick fix’….pain medication is more of a quick fix IMO, and much more of an unhealthy ‘addiction’. Acupuncture can give relief from both the physical and mental aspects of an injury whilst one is continually working on stablizing the muscles.
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I always forget the difference between empathy and sympathy, but I’m feeling the one where you actually feel the person’s pain and get tears in your eyes and shivers through my body…. ie… I feel so bad for you for going through this.. Hope you are feeling better soon and that it’s only bad when it’s cold out… Winter is half over!!!!!!
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As you know Dale, excercise is still vital and crucial in these times. They work to keep the body from tightening and stiffening up muscles. It also helps to release endorphines to help keep the depression to a minimum. All the best,feel better soon.
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Witchy Woman, is it worse in the winter though on most peope? I would think the cold has something to do with pain, for some reason…. Bone chilling pain……. Oh, I feel for Dale…
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Feel better soon, i can relate to physical discomfort right now at this moment, but none of the permanent kind..i can only imagine living like you feel for an extended period of time…nonetheless i am hopeful and confident that you will recover…you seem like a very strong person.
best to you,
Mandi
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The situation is different, but I can definitely relate with living with chronic pain based on a condition people can’t ’see’ when I’m living the every day. There isn’t a position that’s comfortable or a time of the day where I’m not consumed by the pain. I dream of the days I had the mental ability to overcome something like this, but for the past few years I’ve realized it’s simply not there any more. I find myself up late almost every night, more than likely caused by my fear that I’ll wake up the next morning feeling the exact same way and repeat the entire process.
And I do.
I wish you luck in your recovery.
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When a part of you is injured, the body often heals faster than the mind (ask Duane). Even when the physical pain is still present, the disruption it inflicts on the normality of your life is ofttimes invisible to those around you, sometimes even your closest friends and family. It’s primarily an internal struggle, trying to cope with managing the pain and tolerating the frustration.
I’ve been there. I feel for you. Keep hanging on.
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Quoting Tanya:
Do you mean the physical or mental pain Tanya? Well that I am not sure I can answer for anyone else but personally if it is a bad day, then it is just that despite the weather. I have heard that the drop in pressure can have an effect on many so maybe that is why people relate the pain to weather, i don’t know. The coldness tends to make us tense up more I think. As for the depression, definately worse in the winter months. Together both are a bad combo. My mom had a spinal fusion a few years back and she still swears the bad weather takes it’s toll. I have no idea the connection.
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Dale,
My wife was in a bad car accident about a year ago. It was a head on crash at 60 MPH. She still has the back pain and cannot lift anything for shit anymore. She has seen a chiropractor and that helped a little bit. But to really be honest she has been seeing an accupuncturist about once a week and it seems to really be helping. Maybe you could benefit from a couple vistis. I was prett sceptical but if it works why not right ? I understand what you are going through. What type of pills are you taking ?
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Quoting lokee:
A friend of mine gets injections of some sort. She didn’t sleep for years.. She’s actually sleeping now finally, because of the quarterly injections she gets into her back… I can find out exactly what they are injecting, if you like?
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Quoting Witchy Woman:
Right, I’m not seeing the connection either, come to think of it.. Because there are times when you need to apply ice, not heat to certain body parts…… I would never have a clue what to use… i always used a water bottle on my back when i was prego… when does someone opt for using ice? Dale do you ever try ice? or heat? How you holdin up over there? I just saw the weather channel… CRAZY WIND STORMS IN ONTARIO.. WIND WARNING IN EFFECT…….
HOT CHOCOLATE BY THE FIRE, DUDE…..
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Sitting at my geek box everyday has made my eyes so much worse and I also have a repetitive strain in my right arm because I am a rock star with my mouse and I draw everyday. I think I’ll take a break with you.
Get well soon :)
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It be time to just sit and be Take Care
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Remember that through Inconvenience and Discomfort
Growth is promoted….
This might very well be a trying Time
but it is also a meaningful one….
Patience….is all that is called for….Dale….
You know….
when Fishermen can’t go to Sea
they repair Nets….
Constraints usually serve us in
righting our Relationship with ourself…
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I’m currently training iListen (voice recognition software for Mac) but it’s taking a long time because I get frustrated. I’ll let you know if it turns out to be worth buying; I use VR on my PC at work — I compose and send emails, write and edit documents and navigate the web without using my keyboard or mouse — and it has made a huge difference in my quality of life. I don’t expect the same functionality with this software, but anything helps.
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I understand completely the whole wearing down of the insides Sir Dale.
It starts with you and ends with you, I understand the contemplativeness of it all.
Good for you to realize for yourself.
Wishing you all the best in uncovering what your looking for Sir :)
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I’m not sure if this has already been said, but if so that person is very smart. Why? Because a silken thread can be very strong rope. Often one need only grab hold, where it will not snap until the bitter end. And should you choose, said rope will surely hold long enough for you to climb back up onto solid ground.
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Dale,
Your words are so beautifully written. What a talent you have. A gift.
I’m a fairly recent newcomer to these pages, but have been reading your articles with great interest and respect.
I hope you’re able to hang in there. Take care and hope you find some comfort in knowing that people you’ve never met are sending good thoughts your way.
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Quoting Tanya:
First of all - hang in there Dale.
I’m sorry to hear of how tough this is on you. I’m glad that you have a supportive partner and urge you to do whatever it is that you need to do at this time in order to take care of yourself. You’re a bright man - you’ll come out of this dark tunnel soon. As for the pain, I’m in agreement with some others here and suggest you look at other treatments to supplement your PT. And, as someone else stated, it is important that you do some form of exercise - as tough as that may be. In the long run, it’s so beneficial and can really help in pain management.
Now, for Tanya…
Ice is always used initially and is to reduce swelling, as it restricts the blood flow to an area. Heat is applied to help keep the blood circulating and to prevent things from “stiffening up”. Usually it’s ice for the first while, then an alternating ice/heat plan.
We’re more prone to injury/pain when we’re “cold”, as the muscles & joints tighten up and become more vulnerable to pulls, strains, etc. Our body uses synovial fluid and cartilage to help the bones move more easily and pain free. When we’re cold, things are stiffer and, like the oil in a car, fluids run thicker/slower and not as effectively. When we warm things up, it allows the fluid to flow and lubricate the joints, which eases in movement and reduces injury/pain.
It’s why we warm up and do a “cool down” during exercise.
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Hey Dale, sending good wishes your way. I have a couple of possibly useful stories/resources that might be of interest/use to you…as soon as I get over this cold I’ll email some stuff to you. Take care…
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Hey dale, i’m glad to hear you will be taking a small step back to try and help yourself out. seems a lot of people have a lot of diffrent ideas, hopefully some of them help you out.
i’ll send some good karma your way to help you out:) good luck on your hunt, if theres anything i can do to help you out, give a shout out.
now go take some time to yourself with your pup and your woman and get a nice massage from her or something, those are always relaxing. and relaxing is some of the best medicine! along obviously with some good laughs.
andrea
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Quoting deb:
Wow, thanks for that, Deb!!!!
Witchy, I’d meant the physical pain.. sorry I didn’t answer that in my other reply…..
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Quoting budgetaudiophile:
That was beautiful…….
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Your pain makes my tennis elbow trivial. I can understand you not wanting to become too dependent on some of the pain medications. I’d avoid it too. So hang in there Dale!
*sprinkling of fairy dust for good measure*
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Quoting Tanya:
Thank you very much for saying so. That was my first post in awhile, and frankly, it just seemed like the right thing to say.
P.S. just changed to my name instead of my nickname, sorry for the confusion it might have caused at first, if in fact it actually did
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:o)
no confusion at all.
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I can understand ongoing physical pain…its the worst. I truly feel for you.
I have been living with it the last 3 months myself, and the prospect of maybe never having it leave again goes through your mind. (they are doing tests to try and figure out what is causing it to no avail so far) I can barely function in my daily life at this point. I hope I wont have to take these heavy duty painkillers forever, I worry about becoming addicted to them…:(
I hope you feel better soon, Dale!