3:16 AM, raining again, maybe a gunshot in the distance, sirens a few blocks away. The sound of shopping-cart wheels click on the sidewalk below my window, stopping every twenty feet or so probably so that a garbage bin can be rummaged through. The ironic sound of a street cleaner hums below the din of the sirens, its brushes spinning against the concrete, new polish for the same old streets.
Life is death. She goes in for surgery tomorrow to see if they can remove it. If something is amiss she’ll have to get chemotherapy in the new-year. I can’t see her without that long, flowing hair framing her face. I’m not sure I’ll sleep tonight, even though I’ve been lying in bed trying for hours now. But life is death. As unique as we all might be, as uncommon as we all might be, in the end we all find ourselves in the ground, our ashes discarded at some place of sentimental significance, or simply lost or discarded because circumstances wouldn’t allow for such dignities. Live in a mansion, drive an expensive car, live in a shack in the woods, drive a rusted out pickup truck – everyone punches the same ticket. It doesn’t matter if you go to the gym seven days a week, consume the strictest of diets, down vitamins on a daily basis, or spend hours baking in some yoga studio – everyone goes. There’s nothing for it, only the reality that what you do in this life, the impression that you ultimately leave, is all that will remain. And even then, in most cases, it will be fleeting. That has been the way of the world since man straightened himself and took those first awkward, upright steps.
Will God be waiting for you? Will some imperious demon? Does what you fear in this life regarding the next limit your understanding of life itself? Even more, does it interfere with the universal acceptance of human finality?
My eyes opened, the lights were bright. I sucked in some air and fought the urge to laugh. I still don’t know why. I was pretty drugged up, nothing came out, but I still thought it amusing. Was that it, I thought? Like a film hyped to be something more than it actually is, that is how I found nothingness - all hype.
I used to have nightmares about getting hit by a car and being thrown across the pavement, my skin ripped away to the bone. But after that night I don’t dream about it anymore. In fact, the thought of it happening doesn’t bother me. Life is death, and that being the case; there are no secrets to it. It remains the one unalterable in a world of alterations, in a world gripped by the fear of the one thing that can never be avoided or overcome. How there is not comfort in that I don’t know.
Fear it if you must, and in doing so fear life. They are one in the same in the end. For to be born is to die, that’s the deal.
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That is the deal.
Nothing we can do about it. And some (most) times, the hard/bad parts are what we dwell on. What a waste of time.
Be kind. Be happy whenever you can. But more importantly, try to make someone else happy… Because they are likely dealing with things that are just as painful or more painful than what you are.
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I was struggling into the shower at 3:16. Anxiety over some work issues had me tossing most of the night. 99% of the time I want to reset the alarm that goes off at 3 for 4:30 and call in sick.
My hell and my heaven all seem to be in this life together. Luckily it’s more heaven but that’s because of others who believe me to be special.
Time to drive on wet streets to deal with a mob who wants nothing more than to get away from their lot for a few days.
I told you once that if I lived in your place I would cover myself with a blanket, slump in a chair, and stare out one of those windows until I went into some sort of numb trance. Give that a try.
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Another provocative post. Thanks, Matt. Your reflections on death are so true. I wish all the best for your friend.
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I had a dream last night about having a visit from my dead Grandmother. It felt so good to talk to her, hug her, smell her and hear the little nuances in her voice. And all day I’ve been teary eyed thinking about how wonderful she and other people are in their own way. And that to me is the whole point before you punch out. Be as good as you can for people and yourself. There’s such a cosmic element to people’s existence. Mannerisms, that twinkle someone has in their eye. It makes it all worth it. It’s all irreplaceable and infinite.
I truly hope all turns out well for you and yours.
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3:16? That was coincidence right?
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” Life is Death “
…..only if you take away Hope
Life and Death are very much Part of one another
They are a Unit in which one cannot exist without the other….
If Life is our Body
than Death is our Shadow
We can’t escape our own Shadow
But there is one other Unit….
that is connected to this Equation
it’s called Hope…
Life and Death cannot sustain a meaningful Existence without Hope….
So if Life is our Body
and Death is our Shadow
than the Sun is Hope….
It’s the Sun that seperates our Body from our Shadow
without it, our Body and Shadow become one….
And that’s why in our darkest Hour
Life and Death do become one….
Take away Hope and Life equals Death
It’s like a mathematical Expression….
Which brings me to the ever fascinating Question…
” What keeps us going….in our darkest Hour ? “
It is without a Doubt…..Hope….
Therefore, if we can instill even the slightest Ray of Hope into someone Life …..
we have made a World of Difference….
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Over the past few months there have been something like 27 deaths spread over about 4 small first nation communities on Manitoulin Island. I was nonchalant, as I have been about death for awhile now. My parents were in a word: scared.
They couldn’t get past the fact so many had died, and they had so many questions about why this was happening. I told them that in my opinion, it was time. That everyone dies, eventually.
My answers didn’t help my parents, but there has been a lull in the amount of wakes they’ve had to attend. Maybe that’s why they are so quiet now.
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That’s pretty cool BB!
I hope your friend recovers quickly Matt!
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yes life is the deadliest.fight it all you want.die healty?pretty?
embrace death and so life.great strenght to be found beyond fear.
perhaps a bit of madness to the untrainned eye.
i try to think in terms of generations.lifetimes,as one.
if no one wants to be sick,everyone wants comfort of mind and all,
how will the human condition truely improve?
the only true cure is evolution.adaptation.
how is that possible unless we embrace our condition?
we use to fight death,now we fight pretty much any kind of life that could possibly be of any kind of menace or even remind us of disease.disease,disease everywhere..
creasy.yes anything can hurt you.
but fact is,everything is what keeps you and all else breathing.
dont fight death now.prepare.
if theres something to fight youll see soon enough.
till then think of the kids!!
we all have a unik combination and opportunity to create a better now and then.
we must stop counting on bisnessmen(doctors included) on matters of such importance.
its our responsability.
would you sacrifice your health to find a cure?
your peace of mind to find a better way?
how many humans are we now?youd think adaptation wouldve done the job by now..
but no.comfort.yes yes.comfy isnt it?(sarcastik)
also makes me wonder..if i embrace death as life as death,will there still be a separation,a need for it in the end?
well goodmornin:D
goodluck to the lady
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It is revelations such as these that can make or break us. I believe to dwell on the end only cheapens the now. And by the time we make it to whatever that end may be we are so tired from worrying we never even realize the beauty that was life. That is far more tragic than death itself.
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Oops I hit enter before I was finished.
Of course, when it comes to contemplating the loss of life I find it much easier to focus on myself than those who are near and dear to me.
There is no emotion I find more genuine than that of missing someone. And the possibility of having to feel that for a loved one is simply terrifying and exhausting.
I hope your friend returns to health quickly Matt. The strength of those around her will surely lift her up.
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Quoting zitadawn:
Well put
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Great post Matt. No matter where you are or what you do eventually you’re gonna die. It’s that simple. Live each day as if it were your last. Don’t get upset or frustrated by the little shit. Smile, be nice and enjoy evey momenty you’ve got, especially this time of year. I’m really making an effort this Christmas to make it more about enjoying time with family and friends and making some great memories instead of getting wrapped around the whold commercial machine that Christmas has become over the years.
To all of you members of this community I wish the best of the season and I’d like to say thanks for all of the great psts - its a great place.
Cheers!
sf
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Beautifully and well written Matt,
“To the world you are a person, to one person you are the world” Someone I loved told me that and then later hurt me, this person is not in my life anymore but always in my heart. Forgiveness of life’s crap, accepting of life’s crap, and then moving on and being ready for the next crap (’cause it always will come) is my best ability to live life at peace.
BB said it best, there is hope, find the hope and breath that in. Life and death is true…live the life part to your best ability and so that when death comes, you know in your heart, you lived your life well and you can be at peace with life and death.
It helps to take a bath with a glass of tinto vino.
May that beautiful women in your life live with peace in her heart.
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sending positvie energy to your friend, and hoping that you got some sleep…..
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Quoting Patrick Pitt:
I was wondering the same thing.
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Once I start thinking about death it is hard for me to stop.
I am somewhat obsessed with it.
I e-mailed Matt about 5 years ago asking what he thought about death.
I should see if I still have the e-mail, his response was along the lines of…It’s probably like most things we spend a lot of time worrying about, in the end they aren’t as bad as we expect….
The more I think of death the more I come up with crazy shit like this:
You know what they say when your numbers up, your numbers up?
Could this be possible for your birth?
Were “you” waiting in a long line to get here?
Were you born to your parents by dumb luck?
Was it just your turn to go?
Perhaps you were next up in line and you ended up where you are by pure luck?
Perhaps at this very moment there is someone sitting in” the lobby of life,” ticket in hand, all ready to go.
They are watching the cosmic arrivals and departures board and it looks like they are going to be headed to California.
It’s close.
It’s either California, to an immigrant mexican couple, fucking as we speak in the bathroom of a seedy restaurant, or to Australia, and a well-to-do couple going at it old school missionary in their lavish bedroom.
They’re hoping for the trip down under.
Little do they know, from the time they opened the door until the time they walked through, there have been 1067 ejaculations on planet earth and they are really headed to a teenage couple in Alberta that is freaking out about a torn condom.
That aside, ever wonder if your Dad wacked it once more before he fucked your mom if you would still be here?
Are zillions of different possibilities really flushed down the toilet / swallowed everyday?
Were you / was I going to get here one way or another?
Ever wonder if your true love was born 100 years ago?
What if they are born 500 years from now?
Forget the other side of the world, what if they were just born on another planet?
Damn it’s going to be hard to find them.
I think it’s time to compile the last 10 years of my ranting into a book (it’s a fine line between genius and crazy really) and give it to my friends and family as a Christmas gift.
If I manage to be alive for another year, I have just bypassed Christmas 2008 shopping madness, a copy of my book for everyone, which upon reading, half my friends and family will never want to have anything to do with me again, which will in turn make Christmas shopping 2009 that much easier.
SUCCESS!
O.K. now I just have to manage living for another year.
—
Shit. I best stop typing and be taking some more pills or eating a sand which or something.
Cancer recently took a close family member at 42.
I love the new record, but I still have a hard time listening to 99% of us is failure.
All my best to you and your friend.
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we are not going to die.we are dying.just slower for some than others.
sometimes the fear is more hurtfull than the disease would be.
you dont know the monster until you treat it as a friend.
all these we call disease are they not worthy of being?..mosquitos?..
how would we know?
from where i stand,we look like a very contagious and hurtfull disease ourself.
but but but..hmm..yes great potential.and such hard and good work we have done.
well get there.somewhere.better.
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Quoting umop apisdn:
I could barely get through reading this. Crazy is right…not sure about the genius part! I guess I may be more conservative then you because there was way too much sperm for me in those few lines.
You were going to be here one way or another. You were going to write this post on this very day. Your true love is out there. On THIS planet.
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ODD I was up at 3:16 a.m staring at the walls and out the window.. just as I have every other night this week. For some reason I cannot sleep, my mind has been riding on a roller coaster for some time now…eventually it will either get used to it or the ride itself will close down.
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This is kinda funny, as it reminds me of when I was little.
I recall, preparing for camping one morning, somehow the idea popped into my head at the age of 4 or 5 years old, that I was going to die.
I became hysterical. My mother had to call my father to calm me down, and I talked to my dad over the phone and felt a lot better.
I believe this is because around that time my dog Dutchess died. I was very attached and thus didn’t eat for 3 days.
I stopped worrying about it then, but deep down I didn’t want to die.
Fast forward a decade or more, enter into the depression years, I actually wanted to die and prayed to die, just to end the unhappiness. Once I went to university (at 25) I started over, had some rough “want to die” times and even came quite close to taking my own life. There’s always a choice to be made and I chose, as I decided long ago, that it is far more difficult to stay alive, and if you really hate yourself, you’ll stay alive.
After that, dying never bothered me, but people close to me dying has and always will. I don’t care if I die on my ride in to work this morning, slipping on the wet pavement and some asshole on the cellphone runs me over. I worry more about my gf who has a family history of breast cancer. I’ve become attached to her, I know I’d survive, it’s not like I would not be able to move on, but just thinking about her encountering that, the pain and suffering, is just unimaginable.
Matt I can understand your worries. I am hoping it is just a 3am thing and not a permanent part of you now. Your next album would rival Roger Waters if this was a “new Matt” coming out.
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Death and Christmas.
Like hand and glove.
Where’s my dark eyeliner…
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Quoting pamwoz:
The Internet = Serious Business.
Conservative? I have no idea why you are bringing politics into this.
Conservative, Liberal, Democrat, Republican, we all come from sperm.
As an admitted Conservative why do you hate sperm?
There is never too much sperm…in those few lines, in you, in me….shit we are all made of the stuff.
Enough about sperm. I mean really. I am sick of typing the word. I will no longer use it in this thread.
Moving along.
Some get me, some don’t.
I admit my original post is pretty hack, grammar issues, shifts in tense, it lacks focus, clarity and creativity.
I give it a D-
In all seriousness though my wife may want to have a word with you regarding my true love being “out there.”
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Sleeplessness gives way to instropection, doesn’t it?
At the moment, I cry pretty much daily. I thought (and cried) last night about the fact that I’ve worried my entire life - starting at childhood with issues there, my mother’s stroke and paralysis, a 25 year abusive relationship, the poverty that followed after I got out on my own with my two kids and we endured massive flooding (our home still sits in ruins as insurance abandoned me).
The past couple of years were the real devastation though….a lot of cancer and death. Too much. Losing my mother to the ugliness of brain cancer and facing the very real possibility of my father following closely after her has made me realize that none of it matters. The only thing that really does matter is taking care of each other while we’re here. Being kind and making each day a little better. For someone.
When I have a moment when I wish my kids could shower in a bathroom that isn’t full of mold or go to college like others their age, I try and reassure myself that they’ll be o.k. because we’ve got each other. Every day is a battle and we’ve been losing for some time, but I fight for hope in the form of positive thoughts and appreciating what we do have vs what we don’t. I think of the fact that, although my life seems dark and empty, compared to some out on the street, I guess I live in paradise. Sad to me that the tradeoff for sanity is knowing that my situation, as awful as it is, isn’t “as bad” as others. That the worry I feel is rather small compared to someone without a roof over their head at all. It’s truly sad that knowing that I could be worse off than I am should somehow comfort me? I look out my window and try and appreciate that I have one there at all when I’m having one of those moments.
I’ve spent the bulk of my life worrying and not living at all. But reality is that we are all going to end up in the ground anyhow and worrying won’t change that. It just sucks the time before we go.
I don’t worry about my death, ever. …if I didn’t have kids, it actually sounds easier than this living hell. But having children puts a whole new spin on things and the world that they’ve been dumped with is my deepest worry. What will happen to them?
I’ve accepted the inevitability of death as something to end the pain one day. If I didn’t have children, I’d welcome it. Kind of unfair to feel that way when some are facing terminal illness…I guess it’s easy for me to say.
Most nights for me are spent lying awake, listening to the sounds of the night and reflecting and worrying. Just biding time. Questioning what the hell it’s all about and asking a lot of “is this all there is” type questions of myself. Or someone else, I don’t know.
(This comment now has me humming “Hurt”).
I don’t know where I’m going with all of this….
(and zitadawn…your comment really “spoke” to me….well said)
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I’ve been experiencing similar thoughts about death for the last few months.
I tried to look right into it…you know…feel it…perhaps try to know it…maybe then I wouldn’t fear it.
I came up with nothingness, too!
The time we spend here is nothing more than fleeting memories of time and space in no particular zone.
It’s not who you SAY you ARE, It’s what you DO…
When I was a kid I remember watching an old couple on their steps…
I wondered how happy I would be to age if I was a murderer, or a prostitute, would I be proud of myself as I aged through life with my bag of rocks on the shoulder…
I have nothing against prostitutes, but I would not choose that for myself.
I’ve come to these conclusions…
There is no heaven waiting for me up in the clouds or in the sky…
There is no hell worse than the one I know…
The best I could ask for would to be that my soul was dispersed into energy particles flowing on a breeze, brushing someones sad face…
The worst, being nothing to look forward to at the end of the journey, but maybe that’s the beauty of it.
Finally nothing else to worry about. Nothing else to feel bad for…
But if it’s just me and this big world…and death is just the end…I get no more punch cards…not even a get out of jail free card…then I’ve decided that you’ve got to make the most of what you got and do whatever you can to help the world…because if it doesn’t matter anyway…and all I care about is improving this damn place…than I have nothing to lose…rather to try than to not…rather to care than to be selfish…rather to help than to buy…to love than to hate…
A wise man once sang:
“If there’s nothing left to die for, than you and me, lets go out-going all the way!”
That guy should write a book or something.
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death is inescapable. we’ll all face it.
if they do pass on, it will be hard because they will not physically be there - but they will live through the memories you have.
if they battle it out and survive, you’ll have many more memories to create.
either way they are with you.
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and, in my worry filled thoughts and post about me, I forgot to extend my heart felt concern for whatever it is you’re facing Matt. Whoever “she” is, I hope she wins the battle and it isn’t too painful. Hang in there.
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I really don’t know what to say in responce to his post. The last time I had to deal with cancer was almost four years ago, when an old friend of mine from the theatre passed away from prostate cancer. I wish so much I could have been there to see him before he died.
Is it wrong of me to say that before I came and read what you had to say this morning, I had Always Look on the Bright Side of Life by Monty Python stuck in my head for about half an hour?
I hope they caught your friend’s cancer in time. As much as there is a continous battle to find the ultimate cure, the truth is people win the battle with cancer every day and go on to live fantastic lives. My Nan had one of her brests removed almost five years ago and she’s well on her way to the 100 mark like she promised. :) Not to mention, and I know this is a little bit more contemporary, but from what I understand, despite at least a year of chemo and a bone marrow transplant, Kevin Hearn of Barenaked Ladies has a daughter. :)
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Quoting umop apisdn:
I meant I’m traditional in my views and values…it had nothing to do with politics.
I don’t hate it! I was just really caught off guard by all your comments about it…and fucking.
About your wife, I told you your true love is on this planet. Looks like you found her then?
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Quoting pamwoz:
Yeah she’s pretty neat.
I understood what you meant.
I am just being a jackass. Sarcasm and the internet is a bitch.
I will stop being an ass in this thread.
In all seriousness, death scares the shit out of me and I tend to go all cattywampus when writing / thinking about it.
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Quoting umop apisdn:
I know, I tend to get upset when talking about it. I used to be afraid of it too, but in the last year I’ve come to realize that there is something else out there.
“Earth has no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal.”
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so well and beautifully put, both Matthew’s and BB’s posts.
Death can come at any moment… literally out of the blue. I’ve seen that happen recently, this past summer, in two separate incidents, to close friends. One, literally dropped dead. He was a healthy 23 yr old. The family is still waiting to find out what happened… the initial autopsy didn’t help, it’s still a mystery.
The second incident, also a healthy 23 yr old… he had survived cancer when we were in high school, only to die in an unspeakable motor accident…
i guess the saying is true in both these cases ‘the good die young’, because both men were one of the best and genuine people i had ever met.
both were shocking and devastating news. and it’s still hard to believe what happened to this day…
going through these and many deaths from the past (mostly due to cancer), i would think i’d be desensitized by now… but it still hurts and stings. But also numbing, because the fact is we all will die sometime. It’s like a slap in the face reminder. Death can come at any moment.
i hope you and your friend will get through this Matt…
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My aunt has brain cancer. She was diagnosed 3 years ago and it’s a miracle she’s still among us. Recently she decided to stop her treatments. She made peace with herself and is now ready to face death. She is the srongest women I know.
I wish all the best to your friend Matt.
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“…Fear it if you must, and in doing so fear life. They are one in the same in the end. For to be born is to die, that’s the deal.”
I really needed to hear this and it really put things in perspective for me.
I hope things work out for you and yours.
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Great post Matt…and to be a bit off topic, did you know Hospital Music a staff favorite on itunes right now? at least in the US store.
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i actually do find comfort in this along with the fact that we are but a speck in this vast universe that has gone on for a mind-bogglingly long amount of time and will continue to do so. none of the stupid mistakes we make in life, or our accomplishments, really matter in the end. i admire the fact that you can still make yourself care about things in this world when this is the reality.
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Holy Fuck Matt.
I wrote something last night that covers the exact same thing.
It’s just a soundbite quote I created to represent a certain personal philosophy, but it’s meaning to me is very similar to your post.
“We are born without wings, so we learn to fly.
We are born without having lived, so we learn to die.”
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So then life can be taken as a pathway of sorts. In the distance is a certain end, with the manipulated variable being our perception of how far away that end really is. Is it all just an exercise in futility, or is there reason behind existence? We can wonder and reason and search, and in the end we will die anyways.
Today, tomorrow, yesterday. When the actual event takes place the timing of it most likely won’t matter. We won’t be around to mull over such things. Instead, it seems that a more important question is one that asks if death is actually life? If what we live out on a day to day basis is the point of all existence, then it would seem that life persists only to spite its occupants. If it is some sort of preparation for what happens next, then I would recommend finding something worth preparing for. If not, and this is all we have, then we are in great need of pity.
You can love those around you; but like the citizens of Oceania in George Orwell’s 1984, they will be vapourized sooner or later. Eventually it will be your turn.
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Question: Did that book have a message other than one of the absolute futility in attempting to disturb the natural order of existence, or was the point that we cannot respect ourselves until we act on the need to do so?
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Most things remain a mystery unless we are educated in some way. Everything that exists lives and dies, this is not a mystery. In sickness and in health we must realize that we are sometimes cornered by the existence of life’s brutal forces in many forms, shapes and energies. Sometimes I pray but to whom or what? -???- You too, we all have a force of energy. We mix it our own way and our intention makes the most of itself. You choose goodness or darkness. We can all learn from one another in many ways no matter what your opinion is. Good thoughts are on the way to you.
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Sorry to say, hope is not a part of the equation as it has no real bearing on outcomes. Life and death are constants, hope is only a human intersection. By stating that I am not attempting to be dire, nor was this entry meant to be. I am not depressed, it has nothing to do with Christmas as chucklehead suggested (grow up Chad), it’s just an entry about something that was on my mind, no bad or good about it. It’s just thought.
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Sometimes people don’t know how to handle thoughts. Thoughts expressed, sometimes dark scare most people into thinking that something might be wrong or with you. Keep thinking outloud and writing about it. The sun doesn’t always shine upon us all the time.
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I might spend my evening listening to Our Endless Numbered Days.
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I’m not trying to be argumenative over an unfortunate and sad situation but….did you have any hope when you were thinking of your friend’s surgery today? Hoping that they got the cancer and removed it so she wouldn’t have to endure chemo, I know I did and I know you did too.
I disagree, hope is part of the equation in life, if we didn’t have it then the outcome would be; we would all just lay down and die sooner instead of living, there would be no life before the death. It’s the algebra in the equation. Look at how many people have made awsome entries about life and death and how they got through it. I think each one of us was given hope and strength from others who opened up and wrote their thoughts as well. Thank you to you Matt, Deb, and everyone who wrote their thoughts today. I don’t mean to dig but its been a hopeful day:)
I’m happy to hear your not depressed Matt.
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such an insiteful point of view.
i wish only the best for the one you care about.
no one should ever have to suffer with illness.
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Holidays always suck for those who have lost (or are loosing) the ones they love most. I watched my Mother die of AIDS when I was 18….the drugs weren’t strong enough and it was discovered far to log after we could make progress. My immediate family has all passed expect for brother…thank god we are close and can laugh about the memories. Just gets a little lonley when you hear of everyone elses stories (or more so “complaints”) about going to see family for the holidays
Be thankful every day for what you have. My mom was my best friend and an outstanding, independent woman. I feel incredibly fortunate to have had her for 18 years when others have their parents for a lifetime and don’t really know who they are.
Its just a fact of life…what you decide to do with that will make the time you spend all the more enjoyable.
So Matt….keep playing those sweet songs and making us smile and feel good for the time that we’re all present!
Merry Christmas!
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Hi Matt,
I had a dream last night about you and Pete. I’ve met you, but never Pete….strange how our dreams sometimes seem so real.
One minute you are here, the next you are gone. We are born, we live…and learn ….and then we die…the light goes out……it is that simple.
Dying is a part of life……some people suffer….some go out in a flash…..I don’t know which is worse.
Wishing you the best and your friend as well.
Love from Buffalo,
Michelle
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(couldnt delete)
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You should watch Dexter. The first season’s on dvd and I think you’ll like it.
My People believe in re-incarnation so I’ll be back again one day to torture this planet once more.
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My closest encounter with death was that of my father’s a few years back. It came as quite a shock, he just collapsed one day & that was that. It happened overseas while he was away so it wasn’t like anyone witnessed it. People just came to our door & gave us the news. So for the first few days it didn’t really sink in. I woke up everyday thinking he might just walk in the door any minute & everything would be as normal. But he never came.
What came instead were the flowers & cards of condolences that people kept leaving which were piling up around the house as a reminder; couldn’t escape it. But I think it woulda been a lot harder if it had been a long drawn-out illness where I’d be forced to watch him suffer.
I hope you don’t have to go through something like that in your case.
It’s been 6 years now (this last Wed) since his death & it feel like his memory is slowly staring to fade, although I don’t think it’ll ever fade completely, it’s starting to feel more distant & that kinda scares me…
but he’s left his impression & maybe that’s enough
I don’t think I’m really afraid of my own death so much as that of those around me. & Also the effect my death could have on those who I’d leave behind. I wonder how some of them would cope. I don’t have kids to stick around for like some of you out there. & Usually I figure people have a right to do with their own life what they wish but to take your own life is sort of selfish, if you think about it in terms of taking yourself away from others who depend on you, look to you for guidance & such. Like you sort of owe it to them to endure all the shit.
If we’ve come to the conclusion that this whole thing is futile, yet we all continue on…
Why? Something must make it all worth it in the end.
(& I’m not referring to rewards in an afterlife, if such a thing exists, of which I’m not so sure. & if it does, the nature of it may not be anything like we imagine… But that’s another issue altogether
I once read an interesting theory of the ‘hell fire’, where it wasn’t eternal like people usually say. You would just go there to be cleansed of your sins & once you were clean you could go, having become pure once again. In that case everyone would end up the same once again after everything.)
I dunno what the point is really.
Perhaps “there’s nothing for it, only the reality that what you do in this life, the impression that you ultimately leave, is all that will remain.”
That reminds me of Hoborg, from the Neverhood.
-”A being who Had to create, because…he had to.”
My dad bought us that game years ago…
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My world has just gotten brighter knowing someone else has played and enjoyed Neverhood.
Thank you for that reference, brings back a lot of memories.
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here’s a link to the Neverhood creation myth/story:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1876255383014330862&total=34&start=10&num=10&so=0&type=search&plindex=3
clay people rock
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I agree with margo, very insightful.
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Life is Death, but in between the words, “Life” and “Death” is living to the fullest.
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Quoting Matthew Good:
Is Chad, perhaps the owner of the site, “disorientation”?
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Quoting deb:
Hey deb.
I hope you had a bit of an aahaa moment with your comment.
I completely relate to your constant worrying conundrum. I used to do it too, dwell on the past and stalk the concept of my death like a tireless scavenger. And then, just a few months ago, it hit me like a ton of bricks to the back of my skull just how devastating all that dwelling was.
In doing so, in focusing so seriously on all the things I had absolutely no control over, I was draining myself, my energy, my ideas, my intent, my actions from the here and now. Essentially, I was nothing more than a robot, going through the necessary motions and saying the appropriate words but never truly embracing the exact moment I was in.
That is not living. That is not the purpose for each beat of our hearts and each cycle of breath that travels our lungs.
And all that came to me while I was tossing and turning in bed, cursing myself for worrying and dwelling on dwelling and one word came to me.
RELEASE
And I did. And in order to never go back to that most toxic habit, I had the word made permanent on my inner left arm. A constant reminder of a valuable lesson.
I realize this likely sounds way too preachy, but 2007 has been an odd year of revelations that I cannot deny yet foolishly have not shared with those around me.
Anyway, deb good luck with your habit. And try and enjoy the little things in life, because yes, “this is all there is.” And it’s both wonderful and dreadful and solid and changeable all at once.
ps Your kids are so lucky to have a parent so unwilling to call it quits.
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Paraphrasing Camus…Faced with an existence that is inexplicably absurd, it takes far more courage and spirit of rebellion to choose to live than it does to die. (The Myth of Sisyphus)
I just heard Talk Talk’s “It’s My Life” on the PA system at the grocery store, and came home to find a shopping cart parked outside my door. And so it goes…
My thoughts are with your friend.
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As I sit in my office and drone through my day like the good little
corporate whore that I am, perfectly coiffed and in my requisite
immaculate business attire, I wonder what the point is. My day is filled
with the usual cast of characters; the clients that I meet with, my
coworkers, the bryl-creemed bastard sales representatives pimped out by
my suppliers to entice me into purchasing their wares, “Picky” the
mailman with the ever present toothpick dangling off his lower lip, and
the cross-eyed bus driver who makes handing him my transit ticket an
uncomfortably sexual experience, just to name a few. My cranium aches and I
raid the plethora of pharmaceuticals in my purse for something,
anything, to numb the pain brought on by the monotony of 9 to 5.
We all think that we are invincible, immortal, but the day will come
when we are faced with our inevitable demise. For me, this reality
became abundantly clear when I was 23 years of age and I held the box
that contained my father’s cremated remains at his memorial service. In
my arms was all that was left of the man who had held me in his own arms
when I was a child. The wooden box with the embossed gold plaque that
simply stated: David John Robertson Born: December 12, 1951 Died:
November 12, 2002. His life, his successes, his failures all to be
reduced to 5lbs of ash and bone fragments. As his memories fade from my
mind all that remains of him are yellowing pictures that in years to
come will be nothing and it will be as though he never existed at all.
I pray to a God whose existence I question in the event that an atheist
outlook will doom me to an eternity in hell, which in turn leads me to
wonder which “God” I should direct my prayers to?
As human beings, our one true primal, inborn purpose is procreation for
the propagation of the species; to continue our lineage through
spawning. If this is not your course of action and you do not do
something thing that merits historical immortality you are left to
pontificate the true existential question, “What is my reason for
being?”
We are all dying from our first breath. That is the cold hard truth and
despite the measures we may take to attempt to postpone the inevitable
one day we will cease to exist, at least in the physical form that we
now inhabit. Dying may evoke a multitude of fears but isn’t letting
those fears consume you and never really experiencing life in itself a
fate more fearsome than death?
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Death by OshO Zen
Think of a life without death - it would be an unendurable existence. It is impossible to live without death. Death defines life, gives it a kind of intensity. Because life is fleeting, each moment becomes precious. If life were eternal, who would care? You could wait for tomorrow forever, so who would live here and now? But because tomorrow there is death, it forces you to live here and now. You have to plunge into the present moment, you have to go to its ultimate depth, because who knows, the next moment may come or may not come.
Seeing this rhythm, you can be at ease, at ease with both life and death. When unhappiness comes, you welcome it, when happiness comes, you welcome it, knowing that they are partners in the same game.
This is something that has to be remembered continuously. If it becomes a fundamental remembrance in you, your life will have a totally new flavour - the flavour of freedom, the flavour of non-attachment. Whatever happens, you well remain still, silent, accepting.
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Wow…
Reading the first few sentences your wrote was like talking to one of my gfs this morning..
Although she was up til 4.. She is going thru the worst possible time with her mother in-law.. They went in for surgery last night.. She has a tumor on her brain. They found something a few weeks ago, just the size of a pencil eraser, then as they went back to do an MRI and check on her lungs ( why she was originally admitted and had a lung removed about a month ago) the lil spot had turned into the size of a tennis ball.. I know the surgeon went in last night to see if it was benign and if they could remove it if possible. I cant imagine going through this and the strength it takes. She opens up quite often and tries her hardest to be positive and be there for her partner. I know last night they got no news.. But like I had told her this morning that no news is at least good news… hopefully..
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Life by Osho Zen
I say to you, life is the only truth there is. There is no other God but life. So allow yourself to be possessed by life in all it forms, colours, dimensions - the whole rainbow, all the notes of the musical scale. It is simple, it is only a question of letting go. Don’t push the river, let the river take you to the ocean. It is already on its way there.
Relax, don’t be tense and don’t try to be spiritual. Don’t create any division between matter and and spirit. Matter and spirit are simply two sides of the same coin. Relax, rest and go with the river. Be a gambler, not a businessman, and you will know more of the God of Life, because the gambler can take risks. The gambler can put all that he has at stake. But the thrill of the gambler when he stakes everything and waits…what is going to happen now? In that very moment a window can open. That very moment can become a transformation of the inner gestalt.
Be a drunkard - be drunk with life, with the wine of existence. Don’t remain sober. The sober person remains dead. Drink the wine of life. It has so much poetry and so much love and so much juice.
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Quoting zackmitchell:
Beautifully put.
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at risk of over displaying- i wrote this to someone this early morning and wanted to re post it, here at this site.
I honestly don’t know how I am feeling at this moment…Besides swaying on the edges of being in an almost delusional state from lack of sleep, I find myself numb.
I haven’t really slept in days, just a nap here or there since thurs or friday morning- I can’t remember which. I think I hear the same sirens you do every night. As I sit at my computer or lay in my bed- I am kept awake by the city life outside, that hums just over top of my anxious thoughts. I find it too coincidental that you would write such a piece regarding death- when that is all I have been thinking about these last few days- especially the part about your friend and cancer.
YOu see, I got a phone call the other morning and when i answered, the tone in her voice soft, but serious. I felt the pit of my stomach tighten as it sank and my heart skipped a beat… THis is the same feeling I get everytime I anticipate someting bad is about to happen. Then she tells me, “We just got back from the doctor’s office- your dad has bowel cancer”…. And for a few days leading up to the news, I just knew something was wrong. I could feel it. Daddy hadn’t been feeling well lately and he HATES going to the doctor- but i really encouraged him to make that appointment. And so now we wait…
Waiting is like standing in the longest line-up, knowing when you get to the front, you are either going to pick the card with the winning hand or find out you’ve just lost the biggest bet of your life- ironically the cost of the bet- IS your life.
It is quite serious because the doctors were going to send him in immediately for surgery- which would entail having a a huge section of bowel removed and replaced with a colostomy. ….Way to live your life out after that. (”That would sure cut down on the nightly “entertaintment” that we hedons so enjoy”…cute, trying to make things sound funny- but more than i needed to know Pops…) Joking aside, a surgery like that is super invasive, not to mention if you have to have that done, the situation is becoming critical. LUckily, one surgeon had a second opinion and thought he might be able to save a piece- if it didn’t spread/grow any further.
He begins a regiment of DAILY chemo AND radiation for 6 consecutive weeks, after which they will assess him. GIve his body a “break” for another 6 weeks, then do surgery.
So, I think about your friend as I have about my father- I just keep praying everything will be okay. That this is just one of life’s obstacles that we are made to overcome. I have never been a religious person, and it seems in vain that I only seem to turn my hand to faith when I am in the most dire of situations. My mom tells me I should pray and that she does often. She says not many of her prayers have gone unanswered, that being said - the woman doesn’t ask for much. I just can’t picture my life without this man in it. I was “Daddy’s Little Girl” and he was my hero.
I find myself crying insessantly at the thought of his loss and then have to take a step back and give my head a shake. It is like I have already planned out the end. THe near future is in itself is unpredictable. So, why worry about something that I don’t have the answers to..We’ll cross that bridge when we get there..I know that the inevitability of death- is in all of our futures, it just can’t be any time soon for him. He’s only 61.
We just went through this last year with my aunt. She had breast cancer- TWo types. One very rare type (Paget’s) and the commnon kind. BY the grace of God she is in remission- but only after having a double mastectomy…the hardest part for her is feeling like she is less than the beautiful woman that she is. I just can’t imagine. It makes me feel guilty when i even consider the notion of altering my assests, when she doesn’t have choice at all. In fact, it was almost like they were raped from her body.
I swear it is all the chemicals in the soil on that island. Young people (late thirties to early 50’s) dying left right and center from cancer. It certainly does not run in my family. Neighbours are dropping off like flies and two of my friends have lost a parent each. ONe from brain cancer one from bowel in the last year or so.
And in all of this I worry about myself. I guess I have worried about the following thought- waaayy before learning of my family’s health conditions….So…I am 25 but in my 26th year. 26 years…My sister was 26 when she died . 9/9/99-> a date i will never ever forget and forever etched in my memory….I try not to think about it- but for some reason I feel like I am on this time clock and only after I turn 27 will I feel in the clear. Silly notion but something that causes me great anxiety. Such a waste…how someone so young, with their whole life ahead be snuffed out like a lit candle and left a young one behind who may never remember her vividly. I won’t get into it right now, it’s a story for another time.
Death…the topic of the moment. The topic of my life to an extend. Something I have always been fascinated with, but not so much in a morbid way. I dunno if it because i have been witness to so much of it in my young years or what? I wanna be a forensic pathologist and have even pondered doing mortuary science. There is somethign calming about the whole experience, I think. I guess I just want to help those who have no options left. Whether it is to find answers to the questions they left unanswered or just help bring closure to those who have been left behind.
Life truly is death, or at least they are on a continuum with one another. A duality- in that, one simply cannot exist without its polar other.. With every breath we take we are both living and dying. It is ironic and almost euphoric dont you think? Everyone is so afraid of “the end”, when they are in the midst, experiencing the very core of the catabolic process- right fucking now. Like you mentioned, everyone is trying to fight a losing battle… Doing things that they think will just prolong the process… What a money making scam that is, huh?
I guess everyone has their own reasons for fearing the finality of the inevitable. So many questions that simply cannot be answered. Will someone be there to meet me “on the other side”? Will it hurt? Will i get to do all i ever dreamed or had set out for myself- or will i run out of time? Will the kids be okay? Will the bills get paid? Did I leave things undone? Do i have regrets? blah blah blah…
I guess in the end, we truly are just the impressions of ourselves left behind..Memories that will eventually fade. As my great grama used to say, “When you’re dead, you’re dead”. Smart lady. Life in this world will continue on for everyone else, and 6 months from your grand exit- the flowers will slow in their arrival, not many people will come “visit” your resting place and eventually- to most, you will be forgotten. A piece of history, sewn into the earth, or wherever you were put.
Besides having all of that on my mind- in the odd times I am able to sleep these days, I find myself being tormented by my “falling” dreams.. They actually alter between falling and the very opposite. Being sucked up into the air, very quickly as if I were in a vacuum, and then- at a certain and very scary point, way above the earth- that force lets go and I fall. Even when i lay in my bed awake, I get this wave of heightened anxiety and feel as though the earth below me is going to give way and I am going to plummet to my death. Maybe it is just getting used to being on the 17th floor, or maybe I am just over analyzing my own reality and this is a construct of my subconcious.
Either way…death is on the mind. Though it is something i truly except as this unshakable fact- i do fear it. Something, someday, I may be prepared for it, ready for it, and except it- or maybe not at all. Maybe i just answered my own question. Hell,
maybe i will be like one of the lady’s I used to care for. I used to get her up in the morning and she would look at me, then look around the room and say, “OH Jesus! Am I still here?!! For God’s sake’s why I can’t i just die?..I’m old and I’m over it! This life has me tired..” …LOL I loved her…she finally got her wish…
I have been up since Monday afternoon- (it’s 9:30 Wed a.m.), but had a nap yesterday for about 4 hours. I need to find my bed- i cant even concentrate and i have to get so much work done today. Ciggy and some sleep….that’s my deal.
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” Sorry to say, hope is not a part of the equation as it has no real bearing on outcomes. Life and death are constants, hope is only a human intersection. By stating that I am not attempting to be dire, nor was this entry meant to be. I am not depressed, it has nothing to do with Christmas as chucklehead suggested (grow up Chad), it’s just an entry about something that was on my mind, no bad or good about it. It’s just thought. “
I would have called HOPE … Faith…..but it seems the Word
automatically makes People think of Religion and therefore
closes their Minds….before giving it any more Thought….
And I still do believe that it is what keeps us going…..
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Bruise Violet…
You know, when I read what you wrote I swear I could’ve written it. The way the phone call went - everything.
My father (a few years older than your Dad) just went through exactly the same thing. And he had other, serious health complications during his ordeal, including the discovery of two abdominal aneurysms not long after his chemo sessions had ended.
I just wanted you to know that my Dad’s doing fairly well and is getting near the “out of the woods” stage (although it’s hard to believe….I think once the big “c’s” entered the picture, you never really feel worry free or at ease with things).
Good luck….it’ll be o.k.