You know, when I read what you wrote I swear I could’ve written it. The way the phone call went - everything.

My father (a few years older than your Dad) just went through exactly the same thing. And he had other, serious health complications during his ordeal, including the discovery of two abdominal aneurysms not long after his chemo sessions had ended.

I just wanted you to know that my Dad’s doing fairly well and is getting near the “out of the woods” stage (although it’s hard to believe….I think once the big “c’s” entered the picture, you never really feel worry free or at ease with things).

Good luck….it’ll be o.k.

I would have called HOPE … Faith…..but it seems the Word
automatically makes People think of Religion and therefore
closes their Minds….before giving it any more Thought….

And I still do believe that it is what keeps us going…..

I honestly don’t know how I am feeling at this moment…Besides swaying on the edges of being in an almost delusional state from lack of sleep, I find myself numb.

I haven’t really slept in days, just a nap here or there since thurs or friday morning- I can’t remember which. I think I hear the same sirens you do every night. As I sit at my computer or lay in my bed- I am kept awake by the city life outside, that hums just over top of my anxious thoughts. I find it too coincidental that you would write such a piece regarding death- when that is all I have been thinking about these last few days- especially the part about your friend and cancer.

YOu see, I got a phone call the other morning and when i answered, the tone in her voice soft, but serious. I felt the pit of my stomach tighten as it sank and my heart skipped a beat… THis is the same feeling I get everytime I anticipate someting bad is about to happen. Then she tells me, “We just got back from the doctor’s office- your dad has bowel cancer”…. And for a few days leading up to the news, I just knew something was wrong. I could feel it. Daddy hadn’t been feeling well lately and he HATES going to the doctor- but i really encouraged him to make that appointment. And so now we wait…

Waiting is like standing in the longest line-up, knowing when you get to the front, you are either going to pick the card with the winning hand or find out you’ve just lost the biggest bet of your life- ironically the cost of the bet- IS your life.

It is quite serious because the doctors were going to send him in immediately for surgery- which would entail having a a huge section of bowel removed and replaced with a colostomy. ….Way to live your life out after that. (”That would sure cut down on the nightly “entertaintment” that we hedons so enjoy”…cute, trying to make things sound funny- but more than i needed to know Pops…) Joking aside, a surgery like that is super invasive, not to mention if you have to have that done, the situation is becoming critical. LUckily, one surgeon had a second opinion and thought he might be able to save a piece- if it didn’t spread/grow any further.
He begins a regiment of DAILY chemo AND radiation for 6 consecutive weeks, after which they will assess him. GIve his body a “break” for another 6 weeks, then do surgery.

So, I think about your friend as I have about my father- I just keep praying everything will be okay. That this is just one of life’s obstacles that we are made to overcome. I have never been a religious person, and it seems in vain that I only seem to turn my hand to faith when I am in the most dire of situations. My mom tells me I should pray and that she does often. She says not many of her prayers have gone unanswered, that being said - the woman doesn’t ask for much. I just can’t picture my life without this man in it. I was “Daddy’s Little Girl” and he was my hero.

I find myself crying insessantly at the thought of his loss and then have to take a step back and give my head a shake. It is like I have already planned out the end. THe near future is in itself is unpredictable. So, why worry about something that I don’t have the answers to..We’ll cross that bridge when we get there..I know that the inevitability of death- is in all of our futures, it just can’t be any time soon for him. He’s only 61.

We just went through this last year with my aunt. She had breast cancer- TWo types. One very rare type (Paget’s) and the commnon kind. BY the grace of God she is in remission- but only after having a double mastectomy…the hardest part for her is feeling like she is less than the beautiful woman that she is. I just can’t imagine. It makes me feel guilty when i even consider the notion of altering my assests, when she doesn’t have choice at all. In fact, it was almost like they were raped from her body.

I swear it is all the chemicals in the soil on that island. Young people (late thirties to early 50’s) dying left right and center from cancer. It certainly does not run in my family. Neighbours are dropping off like flies and two of my friends have lost a parent each. ONe from brain cancer one from bowel in the last year or so.

And in all of this I worry about myself. I guess I have worried about the following thought- waaayy before learning of my family’s health conditions….So…I am 25 but in my 26th year. 26 years…My sister was 26 when she died . 9/9/99-> a date i will never ever forget and forever etched in my memory….I try not to think about it- but for some reason I feel like I am on this time clock and only after I turn 27 will I feel in the clear. Silly notion but something that causes me great anxiety. Such a waste…how someone so young, with their whole life ahead be snuffed out like a lit candle and left a young one behind who may never remember her vividly. I won’t get into it right now, it’s a story for another time.

Death…the topic of the moment. The topic of my life to an extend. Something I have always been fascinated with, but not so much in a morbid way. I dunno if it because i have been witness to so much of it in my young years or what? I wanna be a forensic pathologist and have even pondered doing mortuary science. There is somethign calming about the whole experience, I think. I guess I just want to help those who have no options left. Whether it is to find answers to the questions they left unanswered or just help bring closure to those who have been left behind.

Life truly is death, or at least they are on a continuum with one another. A duality- in that, one simply cannot exist without its polar other.. With every breath we take we are both living and dying. It is ironic and almost euphoric dont you think? Everyone is so afraid of “the end”, when they are in the midst, experiencing the very core of the catabolic process- right fucking now. Like you mentioned, everyone is trying to fight a losing battle… Doing things that they think will just prolong the process… What a money making scam that is, huh?

I guess everyone has their own reasons for fearing the finality of the inevitable. So many questions that simply cannot be answered. Will someone be there to meet me “on the other side”? Will it hurt? Will i get to do all i ever dreamed or had set out for myself- or will i run out of time? Will the kids be okay? Will the bills get paid? Did I leave things undone? Do i have regrets? blah blah blah…

I guess in the end, we truly are just the impressions of ourselves left behind..Memories that will eventually fade. As my great grama used to say, “When you’re dead, you’re dead”. Smart lady. Life in this world will continue on for everyone else, and 6 months from your grand exit- the flowers will slow in their arrival, not many people will come “visit” your resting place and eventually- to most, you will be forgotten. A piece of history, sewn into the earth, or wherever you were put.

Besides having all of that on my mind- in the odd times I am able to sleep these days, I find myself being tormented by my “falling” dreams.. They actually alter between falling and the very opposite. Being sucked up into the air, very quickly as if I were in a vacuum, and then- at a certain and very scary point, way above the earth- that force lets go and I fall. Even when i lay in my bed awake, I get this wave of heightened anxiety and feel as though the earth below me is going to give way and I am going to plummet to my death. Maybe it is just getting used to being on the 17th floor, or maybe I am just over analyzing my own reality and this is a construct of my subconcious.

Either way…death is on the mind. Though it is something i truly except as this unshakable fact- i do fear it. Something, someday, I may be prepared for it, ready for it, and except it- or maybe not at all. Maybe i just answered my own question. Hell,
maybe i will be like one of the lady’s I used to care for. I used to get her up in the morning and she would look at me, then look around the room and say, “OH Jesus! Am I still here?!! For God’s sake’s why I can’t i just die?..I’m old and I’m over it! This life has me tired..” …LOL I loved her…she finally got her wish…

I have been up since Monday afternoon- (it’s 9:30 Wed a.m.), but had a nap yesterday for about 4 hours. I need to find my bed- i cant even concentrate and i have to get so much work done today. Ciggy and some sleep….that’s my deal.

Quoting pamwoz:

I could barely get through reading this. Crazy is right…not sure about the genius part! I guess I may be more conservative then you because there was way too much sperm for me in those few lines.

You were going to be here one way or another. You were going to write this post on this very day. Your true love is out there. On THIS planet.

The Internet = Serious Business.

Conservative? I have no idea why you are bringing politics into this.
Conservative, Liberal, Democrat, Republican, we all come from sperm.

As an admitted Conservative why do you hate sperm?

OKay..Firstly, some take the definaition colloquilly and some dont..obviously…I am sure she is not conservative in the political sense in this case…she just means- conservative in the sense that, talking about spooge isn’t neccessary to this conversation..The reiteration of it over and over is kind of repulsive as it isnt written in a creative sense and has nothign to do with the subject matter at hand.

That being said..of course it is good to get some..Who does n’t love everything that comes along with a good shag..the sweat, the intensity, the talk, the contact, the bodily fluids..it’s hot!
Just not for this thread.

Quoting umop apisdn:

I could barely get through reading this. Crazy is right…not sure about the genius part! I guess I may be more conservative then you because there was way too much sperm for me in those few lines.

You were going to be here one way or another. You were going to write this post on this very day. Your true love is out there. On THIS planet.

LOL..I got thru part of this (early hits a.m.) and thought the same thing (but never commented) …WTF???!!!…a bit off top with life and death, thought he sperm has a tiny part( to do with creation) the rant about ejaculate for sometime- threw me thru a loop. That, in itself had mush less to do with the existance of a being and not, and swaggers all over being obscene.

Odd…but not genius..by any means

Holy Fuck Matt.
I wrote something last night that covers the exact same thing.
It’s just a soundbite quote I created to represent a certain personal philosophy, but it’s meaning to me is very similar to your post.

“We are born without wings, so we learn to fly.
We are born without having lived, so we learn to die.”

Beautifully put.

I say to you, life is the only truth there is. There is no other God but life. So allow yourself to be possessed by life in all it forms, colours, dimensions - the whole rainbow, all the notes of the musical scale. It is simple, it is only a question of letting go. Don’t push the river, let the river take you to the ocean. It is already on its way there.
Relax, don’t be tense and don’t try to be spiritual. Don’t create any division between matter and and spirit. Matter and spirit are simply two sides of the same coin. Relax, rest and go with the river. Be a gambler, not a businessman, and you will know more of the God of Life, because the gambler can take risks. The gambler can put all that he has at stake. But the thrill of the gambler when he stakes everything and waits…what is going to happen now? In that very moment a window can open. That very moment can become a transformation of the inner gestalt.
Be a drunkard - be drunk with life, with the wine of existence. Don’t remain sober. The sober person remains dead. Drink the wine of life. It has so much poetry and so much love and so much juice.

Think of a life without death - it would be an unendurable existence. It is impossible to live without death. Death defines life, gives it a kind of intensity. Because life is fleeting, each moment becomes precious. If life were eternal, who would care? You could wait for tomorrow forever, so who would live here and now? But because tomorrow there is death, it forces you to live here and now. You have to plunge into the present moment, you have to go to its ultimate depth, because who knows, the next moment may come or may not come.

Seeing this rhythm, you can be at ease, at ease with both life and death. When unhappiness comes, you welcome it, when happiness comes, you welcome it, knowing that they are partners in the same game.

This is something that has to be remembered continuously. If it becomes a fundamental remembrance in you, your life will have a totally new flavour - the flavour of freedom, the flavour of non-attachment. Whatever happens, you well remain still, silent, accepting.

We all think that we are invincible, immortal, but the day will come
when we are faced with our inevitable demise. For me, this reality
became abundantly clear when I was 23 years of age and I held the box
that contained my father’s cremated remains at his memorial service. In
my arms was all that was left of the man who had held me in his own arms
when I was a child. The wooden box with the embossed gold plaque that
simply stated: David John Robertson Born: December 12, 1951 Died:
November 12, 2002. His life, his successes, his failures all to be
reduced to 5lbs of ash and bone fragments. As his memories fade from my
mind all that remains of him are yellowing pictures that in years to
come will be nothing and it will be as though he never existed at all.

I pray to a God whose existence I question in the event that an atheist
outlook will doom me to an eternity in hell, which in turn leads me to
wonder which “God” I should direct my prayers to?

As human beings, our one true primal, inborn purpose is procreation for
the propagation of the species; to continue our lineage through
spawning. If this is not your course of action and you do not do
something thing that merits historical immortality you are left to
pontificate the true existential question, “What is my reason for
being?”

We are all dying from our first breath. That is the cold hard truth and
despite the measures we may take to attempt to postpone the inevitable
one day we will cease to exist, at least in the physical form that we
now inhabit. Dying may evoke a multitude of fears but isn’t letting
those fears consume you and never really experiencing life in itself a
fate more fearsome than death?

I just heard Talk Talk’s “It’s My Life” on the PA system at the grocery store, and came home to find a shopping cart parked outside my door. And so it goes…

My thoughts are with your friend.

Sleeplessness gives way to instropection, doesn’t it?

At the moment, I cry pretty much daily. I thought (and cried) last night about the fact that I’ve worried my entire life - starting at childhood with issues there, my mother’s stroke and paralysis, a 25 year abusive relationship, the poverty that followed after I got out on my own with my two kids and we endured massive flooding (our home still sits in ruins as insurance abandoned me).

The past couple of years were the real devastation though….a lot of cancer and death. Too much. Losing my mother to the ugliness of brain cancer and facing the very real possibility of my father following closely after her has made me realize that none of it matters. The only thing that really does matter is taking care of each other while we’re here. Being kind and making each day a little better. For someone.

When I have a moment when I wish my kids could shower in a bathroom that isn’t full of mold or go to college like others their age, I try and reassure myself that they’ll be o.k. because we’ve got each other. Every day is a battle and we’ve been losing for some time, but I fight for hope in the form of positive thoughts and appreciating what we do have vs what we don’t. I think of the fact that, although my life seems dark and empty, compared to some out on the street, I guess I live in paradise. Sad to me that the tradeoff for sanity is knowing that my situation, as awful as it is, isn’t “as bad” as others. That the worry I feel is rather small compared to someone without a roof over their head at all. It’s truly sad that knowing that I could be worse off than I am should somehow comfort me? I look out my window and try and appreciate that I have one there at all when I’m having one of those moments.

I’ve spent the bulk of my life worrying and not living at all.

But reality is that we are all going to end up in the ground anyhow and worrying won’t change that. It just sucks the time before we go.

I don’t worry about my death, ever. …if I didn’t have kids, it actually sounds easier than this living hell. But having children puts a whole new spin on things and the world that they’ve been dumped with is my deepest worry. What will happen to them?

I’ve accepted the inevitability of death as something to end the pain one day.

If I didn’t have children, I’d welcome it. Kind of unfair to feel that way when some are facing terminal illness…I guess it’s easy for me to say.

Most nights for me are spent lying awake, listening to the sounds of the night and reflecting and worrying. Just biding time. Questioning what the hell it’s all about and asking a lot of “is this all there is” type questions of myself. Or someone else, I don’t know.

(This comment now has me humming “Hurt”).

I don’t know where I’m going with all of this….

(and zitadawn…your comment really “spoke” to me….well said)

Hey deb.

I hope you had a bit of an aahaa moment with your comment.

I completely relate to your constant worrying conundrum. I used to do it too, dwell on the past and stalk the concept of my death like a tireless scavenger. And then, just a few months ago, it hit me like a ton of bricks to the back of my skull just how devastating all that dwelling was.

In doing so, in focusing so seriously on all the things I had absolutely no control over, I was draining myself, my energy, my ideas, my intent, my actions from the here and now. Essentially, I was nothing more than a robot, going through the necessary motions and saying the appropriate words but never truly embracing the exact moment I was in.

That is not living. That is not the purpose for each beat of our hearts and each cycle of breath that travels our lungs.

And all that came to me while I was tossing and turning in bed, cursing myself for worrying and dwelling on dwelling and one word came to me.

RELEASE

And I did. And in order to never go back to that most toxic habit, I had the word made permanent on my inner left arm. A constant reminder of a valuable lesson.

I realize this likely sounds way too preachy, but 2007 has been an odd year of revelations that I cannot deny yet foolishly have not shared with those around me.

Anyway, deb good luck with your habit. And try and enjoy the little things in life, because yes, “this is all there is.” And it’s both wonderful and dreadful and solid and changeable all at once.

ps Your kids are so lucky to have a parent so unwilling to call it quits.

Sorry to say, hope is not a part of the equation as it has no real bearing on outcomes. Life and death are constants, hope is only a human intersection. By stating that I am not attempting to be dire, nor was this entry meant to be. I am not depressed, it has nothing to do with Christmas as chucklehead suggested (grow up Chad), it’s just an entry about something that was on my mind, no bad or good about it. It’s just thought.

Is Chad, perhaps the owner of the site, “disorientation”?

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1876255383014330862&total=34&start=10&num=10&so=0&type=search&plindex=3

clay people rock

It’s been 6 years now (this last Wed) since his death & it feel like his memory is slowly staring to fade, although I don’t think it’ll ever fade completely, it’s starting to feel more distant & that kinda scares me…
but he’s left his impression & maybe that’s enough

I don’t think I’m really afraid of my own death so much as that of those around me. & Also the effect my death could have on those who I’d leave behind. I wonder how some of them would cope. I don’t have kids to stick around for like some of you out there. & Usually I figure people have a right to do with their own life what they wish but to take your own life is sort of selfish, if you think about it in terms of taking yourself away from others who depend on you, look to you for guidance & such. Like you sort of owe it to them to endure all the shit.

If we’ve come to the conclusion that this whole thing is futile, yet we all continue on…
Why? Something must make it all worth it in the end.
(& I’m not referring to rewards in an afterlife, if such a thing exists, of which I’m not so sure. & if it does, the nature of it may not be anything like we imagine… But that’s another issue altogether
I once read an interesting theory of the ‘hell fire’, where it wasn’t eternal like people usually say. You would just go there to be cleansed of your sins & once you were clean you could go, having become pure once again. In that case everyone would end up the same once again after everything.)
I dunno what the point is really.
Perhaps “there’s nothing for it, only the reality that what you do in this life, the impression that you ultimately leave, is all that will remain.”

That reminds me of Hoborg, from the Neverhood.
-”A being who Had to create, because…he had to.”

My dad bought us that game years ago…

My People believe in re-incarnation so I’ll be back again one day to torture this planet once more.