When I was pregnant - no drugs allowed! - I would literally sleep for 15-30 min a night towards the end. I was a bad bad girl if I took 25 mg of Trazodone to help me sleep, but that hardly helped. It’s not about relaxing, or yoga, or chilling out, or just stop thinking!! It’s a physical thing. In the final weeks of my pregnancy, when I confessed I was sleeping less than an hour a day, my midwife (God bless her clog-wearing self) shot me up with demoral and gave me some type of opiate/mix/painkiller (I also have a herniated disk, which when you have an 8lb baby and placenta ameneotic fluid, etc. pushing upon said slipped disk = really fucking hurts). My midwife (please y’all go the midwife route, it’s humane), she grabbed my arms as I was crying and not wanting the meds, and she pulled me in close and and said - don’t listen to the doctors, etc. that tell you that you can’t take these meds. Your baby is full-term. You are not sleeping and in intense pain. I care MORE about you than I do this baby. That’s my job. You need to not feel pain and to sleep. And, I wish you would have stayed with your normal dose of Trazodone throughout your pregnancy. Finally someone who understands the harmful affects of insomnia and better yet, understands that it is not about a rouitine, or caffiiene or smoking or yoga or just thinking too much.

The drama continued. If said mother is no longer breastfeeing (btw, while pregant sorta ok to take Trazondone), then Trazodone is a ok. Breastfeeiding? Trazodone (sorta ok while pregnant) is then a big NO-NO. No one could explain why. BUT….AMBIEN with a newborn and breastfeeding is A-OK. Doctors, the FDA, lack of female research, etc. have come up with this doctrine. So, physchiatrist says ok, go with the Ambien while you are with child, but btw, shrink says that she is also having a baby and retiring so when you need a refill of the Ambien, you’ll have to go to your regular doctor. I did. She screamed! I don’t give Ambien to anyone, and the type of person that should NEVER take it is a new, breastfeeding mother of a 6-week old. OK…then….what do you suggest? She says that she has never seen a new mother with an inability to sleep. Huh? Yes, I am your case study. It must be me. I am exhausted and stressed and in pain, but I can’t sleep because…? She says, I will give you another 30 days of Ambien - but that’s it! - and you can only take the Ambien if you continue breastfeeding. If you stop breastfeeding, I can give you the Trazodone. Now that’s a conundrum. Sleep v. feeding baby? (the Trazodone’s affect had been lessening over a long period of time, hence my hesitation to go back on that, and oh, kinda big deal to stop nursing based upon my insomnia meds).

This has really become too much of an aside, tirade, rant and pretty much irrelvant unless MG impregnants an insomniac, so I will end with the only solution I could find. (1) on to Seroquel to sleep swallowed after a couple of drinks; and (2) obviously no more breastfeeing and I can only rarely get up if my son wakes up. Pretty much daddy’s on night duty.

Moral of the story: insomnia is a serious tragic non self-inflicted condition. Tea, yoga, melatonin, etc. doesn’t do the trick. Down to the bits that I left uptown. I need a fix ’cause I’m going down.

I’ve got that mental gymnastics think going on too…hard to shut off sometimes. A hard workout helps…as does drinking but that isn’t nearly as healthy. I used to tell an old girlfriend she just needed to shut down that busted head of hers every once in a while…and relax. Hers’ wasn’t a case of a powerful mind as I could hear the marble rattle around in there…but the message is essentially the same. Just got to shut this damn thing off every once in a while. I think I used to use her as a distraction to take my mind of other things…

I’m of course over simplifying for all those with real problems/disorders…. My noodle just needs a rest. Keep up the good work Matt…musically, literally…you’re ahead of the curve.

For the sleep drugs that no longer work (like Clonazepam) would it be worthwhile to stop taking them for a bit and see if you could get to sleep just as well without them?

You CANNOT just suddenly stop taking Clonazepam or any benzodiazepine (ie you cannot “cold turkey” these meds) if you have been on them daily for a long time (3 weeks or more). It is very dangerous to stop those medications suddenly; you can have seizures. You have to taper down gradually.

To find out more about benzo withdrawal for anyone who is interested type “Heather Ashton” into google. http://www.benzo.org.uk/profash.htm She is the top expert on benzodiazepine addiction and withdrawal.

Matt I really feel for you with the insomnia. I have struggled with severe insomnia for half my life (I’m 28). I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (I’ve had four manic episodes; severe depressions; I’ve overdosed on ativan and had my stomach pumped - urgh… you know all the fun stuff that goes along with mania, depression and the desperation that chronic insomnia causes. You know what I’m talking about unfortunately).

In my case, I was mis-diagnosed with bipolar. The bipolar disorder treatments didn’t help me because I have an infection that caused my manias and depressions.

I have already emailed you about this in the past but thought I would post about it again. I have tick borne infections (borrelia, bartonella and babesia) - more commonly known as “Lyme disease” and co-infections.

I am not saying you are mis-diagnosed with bipolar this is more of a general comment about Lyme disease being mis-diagnosed as bipolar. If you have a history of camping it is possible you have tickborne infections (especially if you have a history of camping in British Columbia; there’s a ton of tickborne infections in BC). I used to do a lot of camping (I got Lyme in BC and other places too but was mis-diagnosed for over a decade). In my experience not many doctors in Canada know much about Lyme disease and they don’t know it can cause psychiatric symptoms but it can. For more information about Lyme disease in Canada type in the “Canadian Lyme disease Foundation” into google.

I have struggled with severe TMJ (worsened by the Lyme disease) and bad gastrointestinal symptoms and severe bouts of anxiety (probably caused by the bartonella infection; bartonella causes a lot of central nervous system symptoms including anxiety/agitation and other psych symptoms).

Anyway I find it interesting to know that bipolar can be caused by many things including brain infections. The truth about bipolar disorder is they don’t know what causes it. I used to think of bipolar disorder as a disorder in its own right but now I’ve come to see it as a collection of symptoms with many possible causes.

Also, I have been reading through these comments a bit and some people are suggesting Matt go to therapy. Matt already mentioned way back in pervious posts that he has been to therapy.

Matt I admire you for opening up about your experiences! It can’t be easy to discuss these things. I find it *very* hard to open up about my health issues because people are quick to give advice (usually very bad/patronizing advice). I have found that generally speaking people seem to think they would be able to cope better when in truth they have no idea the hell you’re going through.

“Mine is an illness of arrogance…” As long as you are still referring to the same issue and haven’t changed pace secretly, I’d like to say that you’re full of shit.

It isn’t a competition to see who has the worst life. And if it is, lets change pace for a moment. You mention pain and suffering. What about those that hold people hostage and shoot off their guns and terrify their captors but it’s all over in a matter of hours or days? Or the sick fucks that like to screw small animals? What about that? What if it was one of YOUR animals? They torture them and rupture the large intestine and leave them writhing in agony while the contents of their intestines leak into their torn body to poison them. I’ve seen the end result and let me tell you it isn’t pretty. I’d say that is a pretty horrible life too. And just because someone else is suffering ‘more’ than you, how does that decrease the validity of your suffering? It doesn’t. How do you measure suffering? Brief, violent and intense vs erratic or ongoing? Although I know it is fairly basic, don’t forget that it is a highly individualized thing. There is no Snellen chart for this, most of it is perception.

Having the means to combat a problem does not constitute as arrogance. Speaking of it to others doesn’t either. If you gave up any and all help available to you, it would not be forwarded to another worthy individual. That’s not the way it works. You can’t trade it. Besides, all the assistance in the world doesn’t always fix things. If they don’t get fixed can you forgo the guilt over it? Are you now closer to being on par with those you mentioned? Being broken is awful. Staying that way intentionally proves little.

Look, my brain has the same issues yours does. Don’t allow yours to trick you into something that strays this far from the truth. Even so, brains are like that. Mine convinces me that I should be ashamed for having food when others go hungry. Then I put off eating because I feel so guilty that I have no appetite. Next thing I know my blood sugar has dropped to the mid 40s yet I’m still conscious… most likely the stubborn part of me that wants to be sure I experience every bit of suffering that I should for having food. When this happens in a ‘phase’, when my brain tricks me, it spreads out from there and I truly believe I’m responsible for every bad thing somehow. Logical, no. Does it happen, yes.

That’s why I said you were full of shit. Sounds like your brain is tricking you. I get angry having a differently functioning brain also. Overwhelming though it may be, give yourself credit where credit is due. Show yourself the kindness you bestow on others.

EXACTLY! That’s what I was trying to get at but I am not the best at expressing myself lol thanks

Every day I think about my charmed life and try not to feel guilty about it.

And that’s precisely it. There will always be someone worse off than you, but keep in mind that there are always some that view YOU as the one who is worse off than they are because it is subjective. But it’s not a contest. That’s why I said what I said in my previous comment; sick as it is, life is about parallels and angles that, while are horrific at times, it works in it’s own perverse way no matter who agrees. Sounds like alot here stomp, shout, protest and challenge it head on - which is often the only reasonable way to deal with this portion of life.

I wish you luck with your sister. Hardly anyone acknowledges those that are left to deal with the scattered pieces of mental illness and related chemical imbalances. More needs to be done about that because I know that without even trying, I’ve led those close to me down a path that would make a jog through hell seem appealing. ;) I don’t think you should feel guilty about your life. Lucky perhaps, but there is no reason for guilt. =)

She worries me because she doesn’t have the sense to appreciate the seriousness of her condition nor get the help that is readily available.

Every day I think about my charmed life and try not to feel guilty about it.

What I found interesting about therapy is that the therapist didn’t say anything I hadn’t already thought of myself, it’s just that I’d also come up with half a dozen other, less likely explanations. Somehow, an external observer’s opinion held more weight for me than my own, despite it ultimately being the same viewpoint. Guess it’s just the self doubt everybody carries around to some extent. Of course I don’t seem to have anywhere near the mental anguish a lot of the posters here seem to be suffering through, so their experience would probably differ considerably.

I read your post, and realized you hade made a “Take my wife, please”joke.

Taken out of context you wrote: ” When my wife ran off with a mutual friend I found it helped me considerably.”

Sorry……….. I hope things are well for you now.

It isn’t a competition to see who has the worst life. And if it is, lets change pace for a moment. You mention pain and suffering. What about those that hold people hostage and shoot off their guns and terrify their captors but it’s all over in a matter of hours or days? Or the sick fucks that like to screw small animals? What about that? What if it was one of YOUR animals? They torture them and rupture the large intestine and leave them writhing in agony while the contents of their intestines leak into their torn body to poison them. I’ve seen the end result and let me tell you it isn’t pretty. I’d say that is a pretty horrible life too. And just because someone else is suffering ‘more’ than you, how does that decrease the validity of your suffering? It doesn’t. How do you measure suffering? Brief, violent and intense vs erratic or ongoing? Although I know it is fairly basic, don’t forget that it is a highly individualized thing. There is no Snellen chart for this, most of it is perception.

Having the means to combat a problem does not constitute as arrogance. Speaking of it to others doesn’t either. If you gave up any and all help available to you, it would not be forwarded to another worthy individual. That’s not the way it works. You can’t trade it. Besides, all the assistance in the world doesn’t always fix things. If they don’t get fixed can you forgo the guilt over it? Are you now closer to being on par with those you mentioned? Being broken is awful. Staying that way intentionally proves little.

Look, my brain has the same issues yours does. Don’t allow yours to trick you into something that strays this far from the truth. Even so, brains are like that. Mine convinces me that I should be ashamed for having food when others go hungry. Then I put off eating because I feel so guilty that I have no appetite. Next thing I know my blood sugar has dropped to the mid 40s yet I’m still conscious… most likely the stubborn part of me that wants to be sure I experience every bit of suffering that I should for having food. When this happens in a ‘phase’, when my brain tricks me, it spreads out from there and I truly believe I’m responsible for every bad thing somehow. Logical, no. Does it happen, yes.

That’s why I said you were full of shit. Sounds like your brain is tricking you. I get angry having a differently functioning brain also. Overwhelming though it may be, give yourself credit where credit is due. Show yourself the kindness you bestow on others.

I agree.. these things in the scheme of the world are not a big deal, well.. actually the worried about your figure one kills people every single day… but the other things.. these are things that some people feel affect their quiality of life, I am thankful for evrything I have in this world and especially for the health of my loved ones but I am not going to hinder my quality of life because it could be worse. Even if my problems are far more pety — and neither should you Matt - just because someone has is worse doesn’t mean you should question yourself. You get one life.. be thankful for what you have — but don’t think that it’s not that important..

Quoting superboots:

o

I’m curious though…does Canada’s health care system pay for mental health services?

I’m thinking yes… because I’ve seen my family doctor who referred me to people who specialize in anxiety and I’ve been offered to go to meetings and such… all free. Also the psyches and stuff I might end up seeing I was also told are free. I don’t know if it’s because I work full time and have benefits or not tho… I don’t think so. The place I was referred to is free… possibly because I got the referral. The free meetings and such might run out tho or be skimpy because I’ve heard of that happening to people who don’t feel like they’ve received adequate help…

Psychiatrist, yes. Psychotherapy, no. Even with my benefits, I’d be paying somewhere around $80 a session. For the time being, I stick with seeing my free psychiatrist every few months and putting the $80 towards a month’s worth of well need music therapy. (Nothing easies the pain more than a guitar lesson with the best guitar teacher in town, who took my minor hint of a McCartney worshiper on first visit to his full advantage.)

o

I’m curious though…does Canada’s health care system pay for mental health services?

I’m thinking yes… because I’ve seen my family doctor who referred me to people who specialize in anxiety and I’ve been offered to go to meetings and such… all free. Also the psyches and stuff I might end up seeing I was also told are free. I don’t know if it’s because I work full time and have benefits or not tho… I don’t think so. The place I was referred to is free… possibly because I got the referral. The free meetings and such might run out tho or be skimpy because I’ve heard of that happening to people who don’t feel like they’ve received adequate help…

yes…finally someone besides me who loves that corner.

The average person doesn’t admit that they are crazy because they don’t want to be seen as not part of the pack. They bitch and complain strive for the next hot thing watch reality TV (shudder) and do noting because they do not want to cause a stir.
The people who do something about the world at large admit that they are some kind of crazy because apparently you need to perceived that way to get anything done. It makes life a little more interesting in a weird way. Now I can’t sit back and watch the world go to hell in handbasket so call me crazy I freely admit it.

I believe this to be sooooooo true in our “wonderfully” pretensious society. At the end of the day, staying true to myself is probably what helps to keep me “sane”. If people want to think I’m crazy b/c I’m different, then I celebrate being different b/c at least I’m genuinely happy. And some days I’m truly bitchy. WE HAVE BECOME A SPOILED & UNGRATEFUL SOCIETY WHO IS AFRAID TO FEEL! Life’s too short be fucking happy to be breathing…be happy that you can walk and talk! Be happy for your not so perfect family!

Quoting ohashely:

i love everything that you type.
it always has such an impact and makes me re-think the ways i’ve been going about living.
thank you.

Another sleepless night…I will ponder Matt’s words and everyone elses.

I commend you Matt for your very personal posts whether its political, personal or just sillyness. I love reading yours and everyone elses and w/regard to the mental health topics, how cool is it that b/c of your honesty, your fans can post their own personal stories so we can all learn from them. Incredible!! I’m not sure if you respond to any of them but I do hope that someone contacted that 15 year old and gave him some sound advice.

Be well, Everybody!!