Frozen in time. That’s where I’ve been. Frozen in photographs locked in my head, filed away for just such delusional occasions as this. We moved hotels the day before yesterday - I didn’t even notice. I watched four films, or parts of them anyway, but couldn’t tell you what they were. But I do remember the dreams, disturbing and prolonged, filled with faces from the past, filled with regret and wandering. I woke up into my life after five days of being out of it and it hit me like a ton of bricks. And I thought to myself - where am I?
Of All Places, San Diego
Roy, Paul, and Lance were there, that I do know. My phone was jammed full of messages, my inbox just as packed. I ignored them both. Somewhere in the haze of rolling from one side of my aching body to the other, from crawling to the bathroom and back to the bed, something profound occurred. I realized for the first time in a long time that I am a man lost, a man pretending not to be, but one that is. I realized that my life is littered with the burnt husks of buildings and homes, the ghosts of once daily faces and once familiar actions. I realized that, perhaps, I had made the wrong decision all those years ago, and that maybe I should have gone to school and not spend my nights at coffee shops in town playing for a handful of people that just happened to be there. Of course, it’s easy to look back and say such things, perhaps even easier given the condition that I recently endured, but I felt it through and through nonetheless.
So now I find myself at the age of 36 in the city of Chicago. It’s late, pushing 4AM, and as I write this I find myself glancing up every so often struggling to recognize the face reflected in the mirror in front of me. I wonder where I have been, what I have done, and the reasons behind it all. I wonder how music became my profession, how something that has been such a negative part of my life became the one thing that I am known for, that I excel at, that remains the only thing in private that still moves me to tears. It’s at times like these that I question the existence of a high power because only someone foolish enough to create all of this would dedicate the time to masterminding a practical joke of this nature. I love to hate what I am. And because of that I have become too comfortable with loving to hate myself as well.
I have been asked in almost every interview that I have done over the last fourteen years how I go about doing what I do. And, if I’m going to be completely honest, every time I answer that question I lie. The truth is, I don’t know the answer; there are no guidelines, there is no process. It simply comes out of me like an audible cancer into the world and remains there, malignantly caught in ones and zeros, broadcast by radio and television stations, becoming parts of the lives of strangers removed from the unknowingness of its birth. I feel it in every part of me, eating away at me, but know that it is something completely inoperable, something that if it were removed would spell my destruction.
Compared to the problems of most people such tripe is high minded at the very least, arrogant at best. And, of course, that simply makes it all the worse. But laying in those beds over the last few days, unable to keep anything down, my body wracked with pain, I came to realize that maybe self sacrifice is the nature of this game. And that far beyond my understanding of it all, the understanding of it by strangers is of far greater importance.
So I find myself in Chicago, in the early morning hours of St. Patrick’s Day, waiting to do what I have done countless times before. Spend an hour or two with that unseen exorcist on stage attempting to turn dark to light in the little spaces that separate us.
….Keep your head up eyes open Matt!! Learn!!
Good luck!
Well, Nice to see you’re up and at ‘em. Your music gives us reason to get up everyday and sing along. When you’re ill we all feel it…well, maybe not all of it(Nausea). Stay cool and get better Matt…Can’t wait to see you the next time you come through the ‘Peg.
Of all the entries I’ve read on mg.org this one affects me most.
“I love to hate what I am. And because of that I have become too comfortable with loving to hate myself as well.”
You have said everything I have never been able to say to the people in my life in those 2 sentences. I don’t know who I am, or who I’ve become. Either way I hate who I am. Your music has always been my light in the dark and without it I would surely have left this earth of my own free will many years ago. You give me strength and wisdom and hope. You allow me to believe that one day the tides will turn and I will be okay with who I am. I apprecaite your sacrifuce more than words can say. You make my world a better place. For that I am forever grateful.
I hope you can get some rest before tonight’s performance. I really do. Some of us would hate to see you push yourself so hard that your body might decide that enough is enough. That sort of stress is not good for anyone.
Take care of yourself, Mr. Good.
I had a dream last night that you were sleeping beside my unicorn.
I’m glad you came back to us.
I too find myself up in the wee hours of the morning…3 am in gloomy Vancouver. Can’t sleep again tonight.
I often wonder why I have such troubles sleeping and have often thought that perhaps I am trying to escape the inevitable dreams that haunt my slumber.
We tend to be our own worst enemies at times. I have also found it very difficult to love myself, and i think that comes with acceptance of who I am. I feel great anxiety when i look into a mirror, because it forces me to stare at this person that I feel I have lost touch with. It not only reflects an image back at me but also forces me to then reflect on my life- the past and present. I am sure so many out there wonder where they are now, i know i do, i feel like I lost myself out there somewhere.
Did i do the right thing by moving across the country- to a place i truly love, but a place where i find myself so incredibly lonely. Was that my sacrifice? And if so, was it a fair trade off? Who am I and what have I become? So many regrets, wishing things could have been different, so angry that my self sacrifices were all for nothing. It is a constant (losing) battle dealing with my thoughts of lost/failed love; I miss some of the things that were once present in my life that brought such excitement and content. I feel like I am grieving all of the time.
it’s upsetting to hear that you are having such an internal struggle. Music being such an integral part of your life, the process of creating that just flows from you so naturally, has become one of life’s greatest rewards and yet, also the most overwhelming sources of stress and unhappiness it seems. It is who you are and what you love and hate.
Being the perfectionist that you are, I picture you meticulously assembling all the pieces together, then deconstructing them and then doing it over and over. I also imagine you doing that with your life’s events, just as you do with your creating. As perfectionists, we tend to think too much, over analyze and be so critical- (of ourselves, in what we are doing) all in search of finding the logic and sense behind all of our questions.
I don’t know you- I am not going to make any assumptions. It is very apparent that you are one who gives and gives and gives. You need to give yourself a break. How much self sacrifice is too much? When it comes to a point that you given so much and not saved enough for yourself- it’s too much. You need to try an alott yourself the happiness you deserve.
I read your words and it strikes a chord in me because i feel so similar in so many ways. I feel like I am so stuck at times and just going through the motions of life. Days turn to nights and the world goes on around me and I feel like an apparition standing there static, that noone notices. I could yell and scream and no one hears me, and yet I wonder if I were to simply fade away, if anyone would ever notice anyway.
Stephen Crane:
In the desert
In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said: “Is it good, friend?”
“It is bitter-bitter,” he answered;
“But I like it
Because it is bitter,
And because it is my heart.”
Just wanted to finish by saying if music is what chases your demons away, if it is the medicine that heals and soothes your soul and moves you like no other- I hope you continue to embrace your talents for as long as it is possible.
Like you said it is like an inoperable cancer that simply cannot be removed from your being. It is like MG comes as package deal and one simply could not exist without the other. As much as I appreciate your music and what it has brought to my life, I would hate to think that the pleasure and comfort it gives me has come at great expense or anguish to you. As much as you strive to deliver, continuing to sacrifice to the point of unhappiness is not fair to you. Like i said before, save a little of yourself- for yourself:0)
It’s been heartbreaking reading the updates over the last week, not knowing where the health (and the tour) was headed next.
From the sounds of things, you’ll be working out demons on stage.
That makes me even *more* stoked to be making the trip from Indiana to the Motor City for the show Tuesday.
Chin up, Matt.
Hop on the subway (red line) and get off at Chicago Street and also at Chinatown (35th/Archer). Just walk around and see what you find. Chicago is one cool place and tends to make people forget about the shitty things going on in their lives for just as long as you’re visiting. There’s a lot of history in that town and it has a hard time keeping secrets. The Art Institute of Chicago at Madison and Michigan is also a must visit.
I don’t know if you’ve acquired an appetite again, but Chicago has some of the best food on earth. Lou Mitchell’s for breakfast (best you’ll ever have… one egg = 2 yolks), Mr. Beef for lunch (brown line to chicago st… head west to Orleans then go south and you’ll see it), and the Happy Chef Dim Sum House in Chinatown for dinner. Up by Wrigley, there’s a dumpy little place called El Burrito Mexicano with the best tacos and burritos north of the border. If you want great Italian food, you can’t beat Pompei Bakery on Taylor in Little Italy. Last but not least, if you want some chicken soup with a nice matzo ball, there’s a place called Ashkanaz Deli on Cedar St at Rush St. It’s not nicknamed Jewish Penicillin for nothing….
To paraphrase from the movie “Into the WIld”, at the very core of the human spirit is new experiences. For each of us, there are some more defining than others. Some more revealing than others, and some more uplifting. Sometimes, when we’re not ready, they down right kick us in the ass. This could be your enlightenment…not to change who you are, but to revel in it. Take heed of your lessons, and practice them well. I am not trying to state the obvious, but I have gone through a similar situation a couple years back. It was at this point I realized I could not change the world but, by one person at a time. Sounds like you’re felling better, (at least now coherent). Looking forward to seeing you tonight in the Windy City.
Making the trip from the middle of Indiana over to Chicago to see you tonight is going to be the highlight of my week, though I (and I’m sure everyone else as well) would have understood if you had canceled. Food poisoning is bad enough. Add fighting internal demons on top of that and I know I wouldn’t be able to do it. I admire you.
Hope all goes well tonight!
Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder where I would be if I had made the “other” decision. If I had taken that road less travelled, flipped the coin and turned left instead of right.
We are who we are because of the decisions we have made and the roads we have travelled.
It’s been said before that “this is your life and it’s ending one minute at a time.”
Sure we can’t go back but we can always make the most out of the here and the now.
Look to the horizon, no regrets.
It’s a worthwhile journey and we all travel different roads.
We will all find ourselves in the end.
Thank you Mr. Good.
Quoting Monkey:
HA HA! I love dreams how interesting.
Dude…seriously…. you gotta cut yourself a break.
I have stared into my own eyes with the crisis of being countless times.
But you know what? …. it this funny, yet somehow profound, statement always kinda puts things into perspective for me:
Nothing is perfect
I am nothing
Therefore,
I am perfect
Capiche?
Wow, I think you’ve described how many of us feel at some low point or another in our lives, including myself. That is one of the beauties of your art, while it is so deeply personal for yourself in ways no one can ever know, it is also profoundly comforting in its familiarity to others.
But you are more than a musician Matt, just as I am more than what I do for a living.
We are all a sum of ALL our parts and to be denied that is grievous.
I think many of us question our lives and the meaning of our actions. But no matter who we are or what we do, in the end each of us is left to the voice in our head.
I look up to you because you write your pains down and share with the world and this helps others. I write down my pains and keep them to myself, because I fear sharing something so great. I fear the pain I feel will give greater pain to those I love most–my parents, my children, my sibling. And for this fear, my thoughts are locked away and rarely shared. Poetry was a calling from early on, but to share most of my poetry/stories would hurt people I love too much (or deem me insane). I have burned many, so no one will know the pain I’ve endured, even upon my death. For this I am a coward.
I do know that great writers have great pain, strong emotion and thoughts (some torturous, some of love) many will never experience. There is a higher level of thought that comes with the process.
Speaking for myself (and I’m sure others), I became a MG listener because of the emotional process. I merely downloaded a free ITunes song one day (born losers) and thought- this guy gets it. And for a few minutes every day my Ipod reminds me that I’m not alone when my voice tells me I am. Thank you Matthew for sharing a part of yourself, you are not alone.
I detect a slight flavor of self-loathing…
Welcome to the land of the lost…pull up a chair.
I am sitting here in a bit of a daze. It makes me feel a little sick, or should i say guilt ridden, that something that brings me such peace is slowly eating away at you. The music you create brings me out of the state that you are in. Somehow.there is something wrong with that. Why is it that genius people like yourself are such tortured beings? I am hoping that you will snap out of this delirious mood you are in find the joy in things again. This may soungs strange, but i think you should give Ekhart Tolle a try.His new book,A New Earth, teaches us about living in the now,and ego idenification,etc. It is an eye opener in many ways. I hope you feel better soon. Your fans love and admire you so much. Our lives are enriched by your being,. Try to remember that when you are feeling down. Best wishes to you. Feel better, and take care of your self.
I hope you feel better soon. That being said.. you’re 36 and in all of this world there is only one person who can put you in a place where you want to be.. and that’s you. Don’t spend so much time being sad (to put it mildly) find what makes you real - you only get one life. And then it’s over and there’s nothing.
no second chances… no wishing you could take it back. No double thinking.. the end.
so, lost some weight with the sick-as-a-dog program I see…
matt…youre not alone in these thoughts…i just turned 40….weeks before i moped around thinking what ifs…what if i had actually gone to classes…what if i hadnt stayed with that asshole for 6 yrs….what if i had some balls at that job….getting off the crazy pills (couldnt afford them any more) didnt help. its weeks after…and im still doing it…i think some of us will always have these kinds of thoughts….you ever think that most people dont ‘think’ all the time? that they go about their lives with empty heads? my head is constantly filled with noise….always 2 levels of thinking….i think youre like that too….i’ve gone out with people…and looked over at them while eating supper…or watching tv…to see that totally vacuous look…not the look of someone lost in thought…the look of actually nothing going on up there…and thinking…are they in the minority? i wish my head was empty sometimes…sometimes the noise is good.
that pic scared me dude….a week ago i was thinking how pleasantly plumped your face looked….it even looked like you had a tummy! youve wasted away. ive been coming back here daily…more than daily…seeing if you had made a post…hoping you’d be feeling better…posted something political…angry you were worried about money (you know you have fans that would pass a hat around for you right? right???)
anyway…some of us are happy you made the choices you did…some of us are thankful you do what you do.
i wanna say snap out of it…but you know…sometimes…i dont wanna snap out of it.
we love you dude…and thanks for your talent.
let go of the past and find someone to love
fear will never remove the need and you’ll get to the end of your life wondering why you gave away your hope to someone who didn’t care enough to take it
I’m not a big fan of the concept of destiny; I think we’re all guided in some sort of self-determined fashion, although often our options are limited by what the world has thrown at us. That being said, I think there is something inside of you that lead you in the direction of music. You might have chosen another path at some point, but music would have always called to you (look at Wallace Stevens; he spent most of his life working for an insurance company, but in the end he wound up a poet).
So much of the artistic process is tied up in emotion. The greatest works in whatever artistic field–be it painting or fiction or songwriting–are almost invariably inspired by strong feelings, whether they’re positive or negative. Unfortunately for you, your muse is a dark one.
…
“Compared to the problems of most people such tripe is high minded at the very least, arrogant at best. And, of course, that simply makes it all the worse. But laying in those beds over the last few days, unable to keep anything down, my body wracked with pain, I came to realize that maybe self sacrifice is the nature of this game. And that far beyond my understanding of it all, the understanding of it by strangers is of far greater importance.”
Don’t dismiss your own problems as tripe. Your problems are your own, and just as legitimate and valid as anybody else’s. True, maybe you’re not dying of starvation in a third world country–but there is always somebody who is worse off than you are (if you take it to the logical extreme, there is only one person in the world at a given time who has the right to complain). We all have our problems, and we all have the right to struggle with them.
Its so odd, for the first time since coming here.. I stared at my post unsure of whether or not to send it.. but am going to…
Not sure if your going to get to read this Matt, but here it is, emtional for me to write, raw and uncut for you to reading. And in no way is this to take away from what you posted, its just that what you have written has ripped off a scab…one I thought was healed. And although I have told you seperatly from here, its in the open for all to read, here is how you entered my life…
For a long, I hated myself ,as well. I hated myself for being that little girl to happen to walk by the wrong place at the wrong time. My walking got me raped.. raped got me looked at, getting looked at got stupid questions asked.. the perpetual, Are you okay? Is there anything I can do for you? So many times I wanted to just scream at them.. to just leave me alone., that I wasnt alright, that I almost died, that I was no longer a clean girl. I felt very dirty and their stupid questions just made it all the more painfully obvious, I was not Dawn/Sarhari anymore…so why wouldnt they stop asking me questions.. why are they whispering everytime I walk by?
For many years after my rape, I was never comfortable with who I was.. what I was.. I was just me, at least I kept trying to be. But everything I knew was gone…that was when I started the long string of attempted suicides.. that last and final one was last year. My best friend sent me a email…and that is where you enter Matt. See your angels and demons, that you embrace within yourself, your music, is what saved my life.. it was the sound that I heard deep in that state of bliss, the bliss you embrace when your comfortable with what you have done, and in one note, your voice, your music slapped me into reality, it was nothing in particular about Suburbia, not a damn thing, but it was the voice of someone who, I felt, was as haunted as I was.. that the demons that tormented you were, very possiably the same ones who taunted me.And for once in a long time, I didnt feel alone. In those gentle chords your art warmed a cold heart.. and made me seek help.. and I am healthy now, in spirit in mind and in body. And in part I owe that to you.. and so, humbly, from the bottom of the tormented heart that I was, Thank you. Your music has become the soundtrack for my soul.
Your never alone in any of this.. love and friendship are always just a call away, and what you feed your demons eventually becomes what destroys you. Dont let the numbness that can embrace us all, in our darkness and pain, be what gives you a false sense of security. It may be comfortable, but its not always right. Its okay to take breaks, its okay to break down and its okay to know that what you have in your vocal cords and finger tips, that magic, is what brings comfort, help and hope to so many others, there is not ego in that. Not at all. Your demons are our angels.. and I can understand hating and loving what you are. Completely..
I think the physical beating you’ve taken has exhausted you mentally, bringing up every last little negative detail about everything … I’d venture to guess that if you looked back upon the other times where you’ve been sick due to external afflictions like viruses, your thought patterns would appear very similar.
I’d personally ask you to revisit this after tonight’s gig and see how you feel after making the connection with your audience. We all wish we could be in Chicago tonight to help lift your spirits. Know that we’re thinking of you and cheering you on.
Dawn, as usual, you rock the party. *throws the goat, flicks lighter*
NEVER regret the choices you make. An education (university or otherwise) is just a piece of paper, hundreds of thousands of dollars and 4 -10 years wasted on learning about what other people did or think, meanwhile loosing all that time to things we could be doing to change our world.
If I had the talent, voice, way with words that you do then I would share it with the world and leave my footprints in the snow for all to see, if they choose.
Personally, I have been purchasing your cds and attending your shows since the Underdogs cd came out and will continue to do so as long as you tour through New Brunswick because I want to support the music you make, the profession you have chosen. You have changed the lives of thousands of total strangers not only though your music, but also through your online blogs. You have taught me so much about not only about politics, but also about addiction, poverty, things that I have been fortunate enough to have not come into contact with during my short life.
So, the next time you feel lost or regret what you see in the mirror I want you to remember that the person you are looking at, with everything you’ve gone through since the beginning, has taught me, and probably thousands of others, more about life than any of the professors I had in High School, University, or otherwise.
All the best for a speedy recovery and thanks again for being the cheapest Poli Sci prof ever!
There does exist a higher power, Matthew Good, though you need not look to the sky to find it, for it lies within you and everyone you know and love.
Evey so often
Life likes to push us
past the Boundaries of our Understanding…
forcing us to deepen our Perceptions
and to change the Way
we have been thinking about Everything…
There’s a Reason for it…..
Close your Eyes and trust it…..
ahh…reflecting
“Writing, I think, is not apart from living. Writing is a kind of double living The writer experiences everything twice. Once in reality and once in that mirror which waits always before or behind.
Catherine Drinker Bowen quotes (American Writer, 1897-1973)
Happy St. Patrick’s Day
I hope you feel better soon.
I danced at my wedding - on a bright day last year to ‘House of Smoke and Mirrors’. It was the last dance. It’s my favourite Matthew Good song and I know them all. A song I am confident to say brings me to tears. But enough - It was a beautiful day all the same. You should have been there.
There has to be a death star.
That must have been some bout of food poisoning. I hope you fared well enough without the critical meds, I can’t even imagine what that was like.
Just a quick note to mention that had it not been for what you have achieved throughout your life as a musician, my sister would literally not be alive today. In our background, ‘things’ happen for a reason (no need to get into a philosophical debate, there are more than enough of those) - I just wanted to mention the importance of what you have done.
And if anyone doubted the decision to cancel the recent shows, I can recall a tour stop in London, Ontario last October(?) where you sailed through a show very sick with bronchitis (not an easy feat, I’m sure).
Take care.
P.S. A 20-minute diversion: http://www.storyofstuff.com
okay, so you may not have learned all you wanted to. you may not like the person you are. you may question your profession, your past, present, and future. and you may dislike all of it.
but just remember that you teach us all, and have for years. you are a person we respect and appreciate. your profession helps a countless many all over the world. and as much as you may regret certain things, everyone does, and unfortunately we’re forced to deal with it.
just keep in mind that even though you may love to hate yourself, all of us here love you, and all though we dont really know you on a personal level, care about you. i have immense amounts of respect for you matt and really appreciate all that you have given us.
just try and hang in there, being sick is a terrible thing, especially your case in particular. being sick far from home, in untollerable amounts of pain, barely able to get out of bed; its the equation for a miserable unhappy person.
just try and think of the positives.
okay matt?
and next time you look in the mirror, smile at that handsome guy reflecting back at you, k? for me? ;)
Concerts are my therapy. The music peels away all the crap. I can feel good about myself for a while.
I, too, felt this post to my core.
“I realized for the first time in a long time that I am a (wo)man lost, a (wo)man pretending not to be, but one that is.”
I’ve been on my own, raising my kids without the man that I thought I’d be with forever. The one I’d been with for nearly 25 years and was the only thing I knew. And sometimes that hits me like a lead balloon and I wonder what I’m doing…I wake up out of the coma that is the everyday going through the motions and feel very scared and alone. I am a private person with no friends (other than my internet ones)…none, zero. My mother (my best friend) had been paralyzed on her left side for 20 years and I had a drug addicted brother who was knocking on death’s door. So that, believe it or not, kept me “focused”, gave me an agenda each day. When Mom died suddenly last year and my brother cleaned up his act and got into NA, I no longer had “a plan”. My kids have grown up and now it’s mostly just me, sinking deeper into that hole…still going through the motions but with the realization that I’m not even living, I’m just existing. But I’ve done it so long now that it’s all that I know.
I always feel bad when I make someone’s post about me….but I wanted you to know that some of us can really relate - maybe I’m way off base, but I think you just described, in perfect words, what I feel on a daily basis. I don’t know, is this just about food poisoning and pain…somehow, I don’t think so. I know mine’s deep rooted depression but I keep fooling myself into thinking that I can just crawl out of it, just suck it up.
This post brought a tear Matt. Although I don’t know you, I feel sometimes like I do. And that you are a friend, one that I care deeply about and am pulling for. Do what YOU need to do, even if you don’t know what that is. Take the time to figure it out…you owe nothing, except to yourself.
Damn, now I’m going for a fucking root canal. But hey, at least it’s something.
What a moving entry; it amazes me how honest and real you always are to your fans on here.
All I can say is that we the fans are so glad you can vent your demons through your music, and that it moves us just as deeply as it moves you. I can’t tell you how many times it’s moved me to tears.
I hope you’re well enough to play tonight; don’t push yourself.Take care, Matt.
Thanx for sharing those deep thoughts and thanx for being open and honest . Thanx for communicating what’s going on in your mind and thanx for not bottling it up. In my own life ,i find myself relapsing into those episodes of doubt ,guilt, hurt and dispare….and at times extreme anger….and i always come back to the same songs and the same conclusions that, i can choose to be that way or to allow myself the time to hurt and let it all out and heal and then from there move on and grow and learn and understand that if i hadn’t gone the path that i had and those things that had happened to me and the people around me i wouldn’t be in the position i am right now and the person i am ….and i wouldn’t change anything for that one bit….i can come out of the shadows and the depths of bewilderment and be the only thing i can be…..me. I hope you can start stepping forward and keep MARCHING….your loved by many….and your music touches the deepest parts of the human psyche. Hope to be enjoying your soul and you music behind it tomorrow night in Detroit….am hopping on a plane here in Medicine hat in an hour arriving in London ontario in 13hrs….hope to see you there and hope your able to pull together and be on stage……Cheer’s!!!!
Justin
“ommissions of the Omen” if possible please???
” I love to hate what I am. And because of that I have become too comfortable with loving to hate myself as well.”
i just found out i am suffering from depression my whole life and i wasnt even aware. and i came to that exact same realization about myself on saturday, while i was on the phone with my aunt. because of that i have made the things i think about myself true, i actually do believe that i am wothless (which upset my aunt ALOT).but im still working on changing that and i think its going to take a lifetime.
ps. cook27: i actually wrote that in one of my philosophy papers i got a 60 lol
Stuck in neutral at the stage of self actualization
I feel your pain.
Your music heals so many of us, and I think it heals you too. I think you should feel good about how many lives you’ve touched with your music. You’re making a huge difference in the world!
I too have had a reflective weekend. I’ve been running off my feet for the past 9 months (ever since the breakup with the fiance) and I’ve been telling myself I’m okay. But I’m measuring my worth by what I manage to accomplish. Although I’m proud of myself in some respect, it’s sad not to have someone to share life with. This weekend was the first time to really have some quiet, free time and realize I’m alone.
You are a prism. Itself not light, but when it passes through you, those around you see the refracted rainbow that you pour into the world.
And it is a beautiful rainbow. One that has saved lives, changed their directions for the better, burned through minds like comets and ignited insight.
You are never at the eye of your own storm. But those who stand at a distance and marvel at its power think you so.
Again, I am deeply proud to know you as I do, even though I know you not as you truly are.
Quoting Dale Mugford:
What a beautiful post, to such a moving entry.
Once you get better and you are done with the tours you need to take a long vacation. Just get away, don’t touch a guitar, don’t even look at a guitar, if you see one, just run the other way. Enjoy the silence. Hawaii maybe.
Awww… Dale, that is beautiful & so true.
Hang in there Matt.
Quoting Patrick Pitt:
well said.
Matt,
Not sure if you’ll read this but I figured I’d let you know that I will be at the show tonight in Chicago and that I’ve waited 8 years to finally be able to see you. I contemplated flying to Canada so many times to catch one of your shows but it just was never possible. I was in Buffalo, NY but a day too late to catch you a while back.
I’m sure you know that what you do touches a lot of people but I wanted you to know that it has been a tremendously positive influence on me and I’m so glad that I finally get to share it with you tonight; even if I’m just one guy singing all the words to your songs lost in the crowd.
Thanks for what you do, Matt
-Drew
This is why I have always been able to identify with your work, both in terms of your writings, from song lyrics to the manifestos, and blogging like this. Your ability, and perhaps need, to express yourself honestly, despite feeling not just insecurity, but self hatred, is so impressive. I think the people who are your biggest fans can relate to something personal in that. It is why so many of your fans thank you for making a difference in their lives, for providing them with a way to feel less alone.
I suppose that simply adds an extra level of irony, but I wanted to make sure I said it.
Get out of the downtown core. Buy a house with a sunny backyard and stretch out on the grass with the boys.
One foot in front of the other, right?
Reading this is very strange timing for me, given that I feel like I’m going through a similar (though non-food-poisoning-prompted) crisis. All I’ll say is that I understand. Not the music part, obviously, but the rest, the feeling lost, the regret, the hatred, the confusion, the wrestling with demons. It all became too much for me last night, but today things seem slightly better, as I hope they are for you.
Whatever you feel about your music becoming part of the lives of strangers, know that it helps at least some of those strangers through their own bad times. That’s how I deal with things like this– finding comfort in the words of others reflecting what I’m thinking or feeling, words I’m not talented enough to dream up on my own. I’ve quoted Leonard Cohen to you before for that very reason, and I’m going to do so again. I’ve always loved this one, and now it reminds me of you:
The Only Poem
This is the only poem
I can read
I am the only one
can write it
I didn’t kill myself
when things went wrong
I didn’t turn
to drugs or teaching
I tried to sleep
but when I couldn’t sleep
I learned to write
I learned to write
what might be read
on nights like this
by one like me
Someone just asked me where you live. I said “I think in an area that might not make him happy and I think he will move far away some day soon, for some reason”. I said “I think it is probably very hard to be where he is, looking out his window at homelessness and mental illness right outside his window, knowing it could be him, but it isn’t.. Knowing that it’s possible he thinks he deserves that because he is a person going through something they might be going through”.
We do what we do for reason’s we don’t even know or can explain, or that is how I see this life.
People think I’m creepy because I can’t live without my camera.
I think I’m creepy because I can’t live without my camera. I’m constantly searching…
Searching for what?
Beauty is all I come back to…. I’m searching for beauty.. Because there is so much beauty out there in the world, I want to save it…. People say ‘photoshop that blemish’. I say ‘what blemish, I don’t even see it, I see so much more than a mark on your face’.
I see depth.
I see a poet.
I see so much beauty in you. Beyond beauty…
You can’t look at yourself in the mirror and actually think there is nothing there. I can’t accept that. There is so much there.
You say what all of us think but were too afraid to say it.
And we thank you for it….
I wish it wasn’t so hard for you to embrace the man that you are…
I’ve always been fond of that saying, “when you look into the abyss the abyss also looks into you”.
Yesterday afternoon, while waiting for my son’s plane to arrive from Yellowknife, I was watching a live performance of the Foo Fighters on one of those HD channels - I just caught the end of it actually. Dave Grohl was alone on stage, house lights were up, and he was talking about how he got to where he is and how some of his songs came to be. The version of “The Best” he did in that encore set was pretty moving - the connection he was making with the audience got me thinking.
I started thinking about music, musicians - specifically the ones whose music I associate with, those I respect, the ones that I eagerly await new material from. I realized that there are only a few of them that I really identify with - Matt Good is at the top of a short list. I wondered if deep down I didn’t wish I were a little more musically inclined and able to articulate my feellings that well and make that kind of connection with people. Music is an important part of my life; I suspect that is not true for everyone (My Dad had 2 records - Hank Williams Greatest Hits and something by Shirley Bassey) - but for me the good stuff articulates common feelings and experiences. Your music tranlates things that all of us feel and want to say out loud - we just can’t seem to put the words together. You do that for us - a translator of sorts I guess.
I don’t know why you do what you do either or how you got to where you are today - but I’m glad that you do it, and do it well.
jesus murphy.
That must have been one hell of a bout of food posioning…any more, and I’d say you would have seen God.
Thinking about the “should haves” or “shouldn’t haves” doesn’t really get you anywhere.
Oh p.s. If I could thank your mom and dad for anything, it would be for bringing you into the world and sharing you with us.
I am completely moved by your post like everyone else.
I can’t look in the mirror. I can’t. I try looking into my eyes and I cry. I have no idea why. See you, have something amazing that you share with millions of people. When I feel like the world is closing in around me and I can’t barely breath, I put on Everything is Automatic, (why that one, I dont know), then finally feel like I can breath again. Its like taking an Ativan. Slowly within minutes, I tend to feel better.
I find it very unfortunate that you feel that way about your music. How can someone and something so amazing be fighting such demons? But I get it. I think in order to truly live a life fulllfilled, we are need to learn to accept ourselves for who we are, and remember that each day is different. We face decisions everyday that will effect us for sometime, whether the outcome be negative or positive, we still made that decision and need to accept it and embrace. This is how we learn and teach.
I have been an exessive fan of you since Ghettos. As cheesy as it sounds, your music has helped me through many horrible times. I have lived a life that I am not proud of, but, the only thing I can do is change what I am doing today and just focus on that. Most of us fight the demons within us Matt, it is how we embrace them and deal with the struggle of setting them free. I think we all need to find what we are looking for that makes us feel happy and content and never let go. Of course it won’t always be perfect, but that is the beauty of it. You see, I feel that we can focus on our let downs, should of’s and could of’s way too much. Maybe we need to think of the why we made those decisions at the time and wrap our head around it and find something positive out of it. I am a strong believer that things happen for a reason.
Maybe you need a change. I dont know. But their is nothing wrong with change. Again, find what you are looking for and don’t let go.
You are adored and loved Matt, by many. The connection you have with your fans is unbelievable. I think most of us feel like we know you personally. Whether its in your music or you blogs, you ignite something in your fans that change them or how they feel and make them feel good. Find that something for yourself.
Hope you feel better soon..:)
If it wasn’t for your music I don’t know how I would make it through some of my days.
Quoting Dale Mugford:
Very well said Dale!
We all struggle and look back on what we once had and who we once were, we can only move forward by making the right choices for ourselves from here on out…
Matt,
For what it’s worth:
As a fan, I’m really looking forward to {hopefully} seeing you for the first time in Cleveland this Thursday if you are up to it. Your health is foremost, BE WELL.
As a person who deals with depression/recovery issues and as a musician, I want to say THANKS.
Your songs have been of great help to me many times. To quote Hedley Lamarr in “Blazing Saddles”:
‘Go do that voodoo that you do so well.’
(that said~if you decide to quite the music biz and raise sheep or whatever, good on ya :)
cheers,
Eric
Matt, this is why we feel that you are a part of our families. You are raw and open and not afraid to let what is deep inside out. You are definitely not the only one who has endured many of these same questions. Sometimes it does take feeling low to really bring them out. I know that I have struggled, and still struggle, with many of the same things you’ve said here.
I have learned over the years that you should never downplay your own problems. You may feel they are tripe compared to others, but they are your own problems. There are people all over that think that their problems are tripe when they compare them to yours. This is simply not true.
I think you have done more to change the world with your music and your words. No schooling or education could have made you the man you are today. Even though you struggle, you are strong. We all see that and we aspire to be as strong as you are. We aspire to keep you strong.
I hope you feel better soon.
Hey Matt,
I am a big fan of your music. You may be surprised to hear that i am also a follower of Jesus Christ. I don’t know exactly what your view is on Christianity but from what I’ve read in your blogs it seems you have not gotten a very good impression. I’m thinking specifically about the instance in Saskatchewan on your last tour. Not all believers are like that. If you really want to know what Christianity is all about read about the life of Jesus in the Bible. Where am I going with this? Well, I can’t say I know everything, because i don’t, in fact I know very little. But I am learning this. That satisfaction and fulfillment are only found in knowing Jesus Christ. You might be on to something when you say ’self sacrifice is the nature of this game.’ Jesus calls us to a life of self sacrifice. To love God and people above ourselves. God loves us, He loves you, more than anyone can. he wants to know you and give you purpose and fulfillment.
Quoting Dale Mugford:
Sheesh Dale, you made me fricken cry.
But I couldnt agree with you more..
Very well said..
welcome to Chicago!
Good luck tonight, Hope you feel even better after :-) I am looking forward to seeing you smile on stage in Detroit. Take Care and don’t push yourself too hard, those that care wouldn’t mind the wait.
Lots of Love :)
I wish I had something equally as articulate to say as everyone else, but I feel that words can’t quite express how profound this post was to me.
All I can truly say is that - as made apparent by the influx of support - you are not alone, Matt. I look forward to seeing you live for the first time in Buffalo, but if the need arises, please put your well-being before the show(s). I think all of your fans would hold the same opinion.
Thank you for your music.
Oh Matt; what is going on with you?? I don’t get the chance to keep up with your commentary as often as I’d like but I’ve been logging on the past several days just because your entries have been so agonizing. I’m sure you’re not in the habit of taking advice from a stranger but I can’t help but think that, even though you are made to do what you are doing, there is ostensibly, something else that you need. Writing, performing, blogging are all things you do as a cathartic medium and that’s cool. So many never get the chance or have the ability to express themselve in a way that you do; so articulate and beautifully. But, nevertheless, I think your soul is looking for more; something else. Anxiety can be so dibilitating and half the time you don’t even know what the fuck is wrong with you. That’s something that I also learned the hard way. My fears would manifest themselves in the most bizarre illnesses. Just be aware that the people that come to see you are not only fans of your music but fans of your heart as well. You put yourself out there for all to see and there is a reason for that other than catharsis. I don’t know what it’s like to go on the road; I imagine that it’s extremely difficult and can take a toll. I think you just need a warm, safe place to be for a while. I would love to be there, tomorrow, at The Magic Stick, but a previous commitment prevents it. Good luck and please feel better. Kind regards, Helen.
Quoting pamwoz:
This is true. It’s easy enough to think about how things would be if we took another path in life, but chances are, we wouldn’t be shitting rainbows so much as we would still be thinking about the other choices. As long as you find that overall, you’re content with where and who you are, that’s all that really matters.
I’d just like to say thank you to everyone who has posted a comment here. I’ve spent the last half hour reading most of them, and it’s amazing to see how deeply each of you cares for Matt. I am marveling at the outpouring of support and well wishes. It’s truly incredible. I love how unique this website is. We all feel so connected to Matt, yet he knows very few of us personally. But that’s why I love it. To me, Matt is not some famous celebrity. He’s a regular guy, a musician who puts his heart into what he does, and I feel a strong connection to that. He’s famous, but he hasn’t forgotten about the little people. I prefer to think of Matt as not having fans, but a large group of friends who listen and relate to his music.
For half of my life, I have been listening. I have anticipated release dates, scooped up concert tickets and merchandise, and read the website. The unique connection I feel to Matt’s music has shaped my life into what it is today. One that I am proud of. Sure, I feel like shit some days. We all have those days. But that’s a part of life. I know I am the same as mostly everyone else here, when I feel sad, down, or upset, I can always flip on some Matthew Good [Band]. Sometimes it will cheer me up, and sometimes it won’t. But it’s always helpful, it can take you to a new place, where you can be carefree and happy. You can just lie down and crank the volume, and suddenly everything is right. Matthew Good has remained, and always will remain, my favourite musician of all time. I am grateful to be able to listen to his music on a daily basis.
I hope you feel better sir, in every single way. I know we’re rooting for you, because we love what you do. We love how you do it. We love who you are. Hope the shows go well, see you in June! Thank you so much.
After reading this entry…..there is nothing I can say.
“So now I find myself at the age of 36 in the city of Chicago. It’s late, pushing 4AM, and as I write this I find myself glancing up every so often struggling to recognize the face reflected in the mirror in front of me. I wonder where I have been, what I have done, and the reasons behind it all. I wonder how music became my profession, how something that has been such a negative part of my life became the one thing that I am known for, that I excel at, that remains the only thing in private that still moves me to tears. It’s at times like these that I question the existence of a high power because only someone foolish enough to create all of this would dedicate the time to masterminding a practical joke of this nature. I love to hate what I am. And because of that I have become too comfortable with loving to hate myself as well.”
There are very few differences between your statement and my own situation. Probably the biggest difference being the fact 14 years ago, I was just getting ready to start the music lessons that lead to the last 10 years of my education spent obsessing over an art form that has yet to materialize in anything worthwhile. I was so obsessed with it that I would commit myself to 4 school bands at a time and outside musical plays that always collided and freaked me out when I was forced to make choices (and offending people when I didn’t choose that commitment) because I wanted it so bad. For a good number of those years, I was so notorious for it, that I was taunted and teased by my classmates to the point that it became an embarrassment and a brick in the wall that created the emotional mess I’ve become.
Fast forward to today. Last year at this time, I developed this mindset that made me feel like I was pushing 32. It was so bad, I even felt the biological clock starting to wind down. When I expressed my feelings to my close circle of support, they either took it as a bit of a joke, and some got slightly offend. But when you’re a month away from 22, stuck in front of a computer a block away from a venue that once promised a future of performance at the grassroots level, the feeling of the end is just so real you can feel it in every bone in your body. I was supposed to go away to study music when I was 19, but I let the building insecurities explode over such a basic part of life and turned my ever visible roots into constant reminder of how wrong things went. Music maybe an outlet, but it has yet to give me the confidence it has the potential to provide and certainly does not give me a reason to love myself.
But through it all, I would be dead a long time ago if I didn’t have it in my life.
I learned how to get back on public transit once I traded in skipping CD player and dollar store headphones for an iPod and a stereo headset three times the size of the music player.
As much as I hate the fact I let my life come to a halt like it did, three years of sitting on my fat ass listening to music eight hours a day added at least 30 new artists to my iPod and mix CDs, made me revisit old favourites and makes me revisit my roots in music theory and history.
My outlook on life took a 360 when guitar lessons reappeared last year. I couldn’t have asked for a better music teacher. I told him I was a Beatlefan on first meeting, but it was my subtle hint of a Paul McCartney worshiper to give him a green light to go right into the bass line for Something, whether I liked it or not.
The best day of my life was September 3, 2007. My third visit to London, my second pilgrimage to Abbey Road and the first since my breakdown. The train ride down I was forced to stand as it was rush hour, so now I can’t listen to Come Together without revisiting the groove of the train into Euston Station and feeling relief when I know it might not be so bad after all.
And, last but not least, the only time I’ve been able to enter the theatre at all in the past three years was for a single concert by some guy who released a record that finally got it spot on. I get to try it again in four months.
It may have turned into a burden over the years, but on the days when the only answer is to “accidentally” walk in front of the one way street during rush hour, there will always be that one more song that I need to remember to listen to, that one last CD I need to buy, that one last Beatle song Glenn wants me to master and that one last question about Pink Floyd my little sister wants to ask me when I get home…at 1am…on a school night.
You have no idea how lucky we are that you decided listen to whatever told you to do music for the rest of your life and to keep going no mater how hard the process becomes. God may very well be an untrustworthy fucker, but he’s making you do it for a reason, just as he’s making me keep listening.
Keep going. We’re all routing for you - and happy to see you on your feet (however wobbly). :)
I have no profound “Maslow” quotes, but I will say that I am a VERY FIRM Believer that we map our own destiny…nothing we can’t see does it for us….
Go give ‘em your gift tonight….
Quoting utkanos:
You are definately in for an amazing show. I have seen Matt several times and not once was I dissapointed. Enjoy yourself. And bellow those songs at the top of your lungs. Who cares!!!! (well make sure Matt can stll be heard) haha
Quoting Taylor9:
Well put! I cant wait to see you in June as well Matt.
Clarity can come at the strangest of times, don’t you think? Living with the invisible push/pull is frustrating; trying to define it can be maddening. Perhaps this illness actually had a hint of positivity (is that a word?) if it was able to shine some light on those things we all tuck away. You are who you are; there is no need for apology or explanation. Unless you are anything like me - and you feel you owe it to yourself, the one person who never buys your own story. Anyway, I’m pleased that you are beginning to feel better. Be as kind to yourself as possible for a while, ok? We could arrange for a nice cushy chair for you to perform from in Cleveland. ;)
woweeeee. the posts have multiplied since this morning. everyone is so crazy supportive, i love this! we are like one huge family ^_^
i hope all goes well tonight matt.
i have been dying to see you perform for the past 5 years (which is sayin alot since that is almost a third of my lifetime) and cant wait until may.
i am actually probably gonna take a greyhound to the show in buffalo at the end of the month, i just know that it will soooo be worth it, that you matt will be worth it. you help me every single day and i really dont know what i would do without your music and your blog. if all of us here never had you in our lives, i think we’d be rather lost to tell you the truth.
keep on guiding us matt, we appreciate your sense of direction.
Storm before the calm. Sweet dreams tonight.
Quoting Dale Mugford:
my god, Dale, that was so beautiful. I’m moved to tears (again)
dale that was a beautiful post.
i wont repeat everyone’s comments here, cuz i feel the same way, but i’m not able to articulate them as well as things have already been said. i’ll just simply say to matt; i adore you.
because of my lack of articulate ways, it’s hard to put into words (a talent that you have) thoughts and feelings. all i have is the constant voice in my head. i wish that mind reading was an ability we all have to easily share our thoughts and sincerely convey to each other that we understand and are alike (if not to the full extent, then very similar).
dunno if that made sense, but simply said, i get it.
Matthew,
you are a beautiful and wonderful person, the likes of whom the world would be lucky to have a few more of.
I loathe those who judge others for being upset at the hand they have been dealt because as its true, someone, somewhere is much worse off than we are, sometimes for the one living the life, its the worst they have known and would kill for the one who is judging us to spend a day in our shoes.
After much time spent in the “judgee” position, I’ve learned to accept that life happens for a reason and everything that is meant to be, will be…as it was meant to. And in the end, it all works itself out.
Your decision to go (and stay with) the musical route has touched the lives of many who would probably be lost without.
Keep up the great work my friend, and take care of yourself!
See ya when you come back through Canada!
Well, I’m glad you’re up and about.
And hey…being lost isn’t so bad.
Not being able to accept it would be unfortunate, as denying what is, is pointless.
We can find comfort in each other, because this is part of the human condition. So many have tread these trails before us.
So thanks for writing this, and know that nothing lasts forever. Not even this.
you say:
“like an audible cancer into the world and remains there, malignantly caught in ones and zeros, broadcast by radio and television stations, becoming parts of the lives of strangers removed from the unknowingness of its birth.”
you think of your music as a cancer released into the world?
it’s more like there IS cancer IN the world. the lies, the deceit…
and you’re like a positive shot that kills cancer with truth and honesty
don’t think of your music negatively like that
i feel like a feeb having to write shit like this