Tuesday, Detroit
I should do a ‘calm down’ entry, so here goes.
I first want to say, with regards to my last entry, that I am not reliant on pills to the extent that I was in the past. I have not touched an Ativan since the night I was taken to hospital and only use Gravol occasionally, primarily when flying or I have an upset stomach. In those cases I tend to take the chewable, non-drowsy ginseng ones.
Beyond that, there are a few things that I am finishing off due to my recent bout with food poisoning, which was severe. There is also the medication that I take on a regular basis for my illness, which has worked for me thus far. I realize that there a lot of people out there that believe that mental illnesses can be treated without medication – unfortunately, when it comes to chemical imbalances in the brain, that’s not something that I agree with. While there have been studies done, there have been no hard results produced that schizophrenics, for example, can successfully combat their illness with breathing exercises and herbal remedies. While they might help, I personally do not believe, based on all of the reading that I have done, that people who suffer from serious chemical imbalances can bring their conditions seriously under control without the help of medication. If you’ve never had an authentic manic or depressive episode, then you’re in no position to comment as far as I’m concerned.
That said; I am talking about individuals that suffer from clinical illnesses, not those that think they might, or are simply going through a rough patch, and so on. In truth, the expedience with which medication is dolled out in such situations has produced a volatile debate that routinely fails to take into consideration those that actually require it.
If there were a way for me to rid myself of my condition, I’d gladly do it. In fact, I would willingly trade an arm or a leg in exchange for the oportunity. But that’s not in the cards unfortunately. I suffer from an illness that is genealogical, that has existed in my family through generations. Many before me drank themselves to death because it was the only way they knew to deal with the problem in an age when mental illness was something that was simply too taboo to confront. In their cases it had seriously damaging effects on those around them, such as physical abuse.
Suffering from bipolarity is a day at a time affair. There is no shining light at the end of the tunnel that symbolizes emancipation from it. It is something that, once you are diagnosed with it, you live with for the rest of your life. And that means a day at a time.
This blog will therefore reflect the differing moods that wash over me like waves because of it, and that is something that should be taken into consideration by those that read this site on a daily basis.
March 18th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
I am also a firm believer as well that medication is NEEDED for chemical imbalance. It is not something that can be treated through meditation, diet, vitamins etc. If is a lack of chemical in the brain which requires the balance. Years ago I thought different, until I was diagonsed with Depression and Anxiety Disorder. I have no idea what I would do without my 60mg of Celexa a day. It is unimaginable.
March 18th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
I can’t believe you’d trade your livelihood as a musician, by removing an arm, to be rid of a disease.
But then again, that just tells me how little I understand BPD.
March 18th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
I would just like to add, since you tend to read the first few responses, I’m still waiting for an article about the recent extension of Canada’s mission in Afghanistan to 2011.
(it seems you guys have removed the ‘edit’ function. hmph.)
March 18th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
[quote comment="46399"]I can’t believe you’d trade your livelihood as a musician, by removing an arm, to be rid of a disease.
But then again, that just tells me how little I understand BPD.[/quote]
Mental illness has to be the most horrific of experiences. Having your emotions and mind being torn up and spinning everyday is not pleasant. Living with fear, anxiousness, sadness, torment and utter disfunction is no way to live. The upmost importance to me is mental heath, and I can completely see where Matt is coming from regarding sacrificing an arm.
March 18th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
yup, as i posted before, i just found out i was depressed, and i am taking anti-depressants. The handful of the people that know about my condition are lecturing me that i shouldnt be taking pills, and that there is non-medicinal cure to this. I find that most of the time they do not get it, they dont understand the fact that it is not just sadness, it is complete and utter depression. I am going through thearpy sessions, but the fact of the matter is it is a chemical imbalance, and talking about it is not going to help it.
there i said my peace, time to work on my 3 essays!!! oh joy (thats complete and utter sarcasm)
March 18th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
“This blog will therefore reflect the differing moods that wash over me like waves because of it, and that is something that should be taken into consideration by those that read this site on a daily basis.”
I have a family member who recently said they have bipolar.. A great aunt I never knew committed suicide in the 40’s due to not knowing what was wrong. It’s taken alot of time to recognize when an manic event is occuring or about to occur and understand it but I realize it is never anything personal when the moods are abit over the top or out of control. I also know in my experience that they do not want to be helped or babied. Which I struggle with immensely because I’d like to think I’m a caring person and care for those close to me.
Thank’s for this entry, it’s one of your best…. and I hope we all have abit of a better understanding after today, on people suffering from bipolar.. … it is sometimes hard reading your posts when it seems you are at a low point.. because there is nothing we can do.. but can only hope that by writing it all down, you got it out, what you were feeling.
March 18th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
It has been about six years since I was diagnosed. I’ve had to struggle at times with docs that want to over medicate me and worse, have had several serious med reactions. Often, taking things day by day seems too difficult; how about for 20 minutes? Someone once said ‘I’m affable, responsible, but hard to be around.” Given the state of my life I actually laughed and cried in the exact same instant when I first heard that. As many others will agree, and I’m sure you know, this is a struggle. Positive attitudes mean shit when you bottom out. Common sense means nothing when your sleep deprived, neurotransmitters-playing-tag brain insists on doing a tango down the dairy aisle while your mouth shoots off a string of vicious attacks to the nearest living thing. Or non-living. Sometimes it doesn’t matter. There are good days, you just have to learn how to deal with those, too. For those that say to ‘cheer up’, to just ’snap out of it’ or just take extra vitamin C, well, I can’t say here what I’ve said to those sorts; it would get me booted from your site. As you said, if I could trade being bipolar, oh, I would. It has made me want to do almost anything to get away from myself. Warped my sense of what is acceptable. Magnified all self doubt to mammoth proportions. Of course, I am a rapid cycler and also suffer from mixed episodes. When you talk about this, I get it. I really know. For both of us and the others out there that also have screwy neurotransmitters, I wish I didn’t. And yeah, other illnesses (a cold, food poisoning) can exacerbate an episode… just a warning. As always, be well.
March 18th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
After living with someone who suffers from bipolarity since I was eleven, it is very refreshing to hear someone speak honestly about the condition. My aunt was diagnosed when she was thirty three. We spent the two years before that dealing with the manic episodes that left her with tickets to Hawaii and a marriage to someone she’d never met before. And the little shows me and my little brother had to put on to keep her eating. To get her to crack a smile. When you’re young and learning as you go every piece of information you can get brings you a little closer to understanding. I know this probably doesn’t mean that much but for what it’s worth it comforts me to know that someone else can stumble onto this website and find some of the understanding that I know would have helped me. There are so many other thing to thank you for on top of this but thank you for your bravery and your honesty.
March 18th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
It’s funny, all this time, reading all these posts of your’s Matt, I have been inspired by your candidness and warmed by the concern of others and yet also baffled by the reactions, the panic and the advice.
It’s interesting the leaps people will take from reading another person’s darkness. So as a creator and as myself I can’t help but see similarities between this experience and those of my own, on a much smaller scale.
I’m speaking for myself from my own experiences as a writer and a painter (although not published and although I gather no funds from these 2 greatest passions of mine, I still consider myself these things before anything else for they come more naturally to me than breathing).
I keep the majority of my writing to myself for it is dark, unsettling and so ready to be misunderstood. I’m personally afraid of the conclusions one might gather from it. For me, I’d rather not have a friend or family member jump to some horrible conclusion because of the words my mind insists on gathering together. And that is what people do, they assume the worst.
But my paintings, those visual representations of my deepest feelings, opinions, impressions, and hurts, hang everywhere throughout my home. And I have experienced more than a few sideways glances because of it.
It’s so discouraging, I am a complex person who at times on a much smaller scale has been pigeon holed for the very creativity that consumes my being and feeds my soul. It is an undeniable urge, an unstoppable passion, this need to release the sorrow that would otherwise smother me. And this release makes me stronger and balances me, it makes room for me to continue. And yet it is this release that has at times alienated me from people I would have considered safe.
I would not be the person I am if I did not carry the creativity that possesses me. And I would not be so shy, so timid to share this aspect of myself if the people who have encountered it had not so readily define me as a disaster because of it.
I once wrote “I am embarrassed to be a writer.” to myself. I think it is one of the saddest things I have ever admitted and no one has ever seen it.
So what am I trying to say, I don’t know exactly. Just that I can see why one may be inclined to hide their darkness when it is so much healthier to release it, despite the obvious hazards.
March 18th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
ever since i was medicated as a teen,ive been very afraid to and have not tried any other medication.
i fear it would stop me from experiencing life spirituality as i am meant to.
with all the wierds of this brain of mine.
yes it does make it hard to do certain things,but also easier to do others..
which i consider of greater importance.
ex;spirituality art over job money.which will eventually probly lead me to live in the woods,of course.i think this world could use alot more exentrics.
chemical imbalance,to me,is an observation of one aspect of it.
the very highs are as good as are bad the very lows.the gap increases.im only 30.
was alraidy suicidal at a very young age.i can only guess where it will lead.
but its hard for me to deny this huge part of me.i touch hell but the bliss is getting soooo good.
i wonder..is that ever a concern of yours?
do you ever think of what you may be missing out on?
what if what seems like a curse could infact be a tool?(very high price tool)
by the way;breathing exercises good food does help alot for me.little stress as possible.
good air.silent space.
what some would call hallucinations have increased with the years,the veil seems very thin now ,
but it can be just so damn pretty.i cant resist.
yes.the mind’s a tricky place indeed.
March 18th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
Thank you.
I wish everyone could read this; maybe they wouldn’t be so ignorant about it. All I know is around here if I tell someone I suffer from it, I literally am called ‘crazy.’ It’s really sad.
March 18th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
“If you’ve never had an authentic manic or depressive episode, then you’re in no position to comment as far as I’m concerned.”
Yep.
I’ve never had a problem that called for medication. The idea of people popping pills to deal with every little thing (and I think some people do) scares me, but at the same time, I don’t see how something like depression or manic anxiety could be managed without some kind of chemical treatment. One day at a time, indeed.
March 18th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
I’m glad to see you up and feeling better. Fall in love with Music again. There are plenty of Political Blogs out there who will take up the slack if you decide to take a rest. Heck I won’t even bring up China’s genocide in Tibet! I’ve learned to let it go. Get with friends and step back from the daily struggles of the World and all it’s two-bit politicians. “The Universe takes care of itself”….J. Kerouac
March 18th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
I found out today that a fellow in another department, who had been on stress leave since Christmas, committed suicide on the weekend. I didn’t know him well, so all I can do is wonder what was going on in his life - was he mentally ill, or unable to cope with a bad situation that hurt him so much he felt he had to die? Both?
In my early-mid teens, I used to be one of those “pills are for wussies” types, believing that sort of logic was something to pride myself on. By the time I was 18-ish, I’d come to the realization that I held that belief out of insecurity and ignorance. (Granted, medicating in those early-mid teen years is up for debate. My Mom was approached about it when I was taken to the hospital as a 13-year-old. She said no, and I’m glad she did. But that’s just me.) Repairing the chemical imbalance in one’s brain is no different than repairing, say, hyper- or hypothyroid conditions. People tend to forget that mental illness is physiological. This is ridiculously annoying.
I still don’t actively *do* anything for my depression. I have no idea what I’d be classified as were I to get a true diagnosis. But it is not for anyone else to tell me how I, or anyone else, how to go about treating themselves. Suggestions are okay, but lay off the preachy-preachy. I think most people mean well, but Matt’s been wearing big-boy pantaloons for a long time now. :)
March 18th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
I have never had a problem that requires medication (except for the normal cold, flu and allergies) but i do have friends that have conditions that require daily medication and have seen them go thru the stages of “I don’t need these” and fall right back into the deep dark scary place that people with chemical imbalances have. And then come back to reality that ya, maybe this taking a pill every day is a good thing. To see a loved on go thru these dark phase just kills me…because i can’t do anything to help them. Taking a pill for something that you can not control is not a bad thing like people seem to think that it is. My parents (so freakin old school) “you can’t live your life on pills” …blah blah blah… in one ear and out the other (like a good little girl i am LOL) do not agree with this. Medicine is a good thing :)
March 18th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
That’s a really articulate disclaimer, feel free.
From a position to comment though, I thought there were hard results about nicotine tempering schizophrenia to an extent
http://www.schizophrenia.com/smokereport.htm#pos
which is a breathing exercise, of sorts.
March 18th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
What is the criteria for authentic manic or depressive episodes?
March 18th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
More than two years ago I was diagnosed with Bipolarity and I have experienced the ridiculous life-altering moods it puts you in. I’ve been on several different medications but so far they either make me worse or make me non-functional. I’m off of meds right now and it’s a very uneasy feeling knowing that if I stay off of them that I will eventually have an episode.
Half the battle of bipolarity in my opinion is finding a way to control it that doesn’t make it worse. My mentor (who suffers from severe depression) has sworn off meds after he tried to commit suicide while in the grips of their side effects…it’s such a tough thing to go through.
Doctors tell me that it can take up to seven or eight different “cocktails” of drugs before you find one that works.
My point here goes along with yours, Matt, that people shouldn’t comment on the disease and what works and what doesn’t unless they’ve been through something similar…it isn’t something just anybody can identify with.
March 18th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
[quote comment="46411"]Thank you.
I wish everyone could read this; maybe they wouldn’t be so ignorant about it. All I know is around here if I tell someone I suffer from it, I literally am called ‘crazy.’ It’s really sad.[/quote]
That’s the reason none of my family and very few of my friends and acquaintances know that I suffer from it. Unfortunately, as Matt has said several times on this blog, there is still a damaging stigma attached to mental illness and its sufferers. At least it’s better than it was thirty years ago…and it will be better in another thirty years. At least progress is being made.
March 18th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
it will find you
and you’ll sleep well
March 18th, 2008 at 5:36 pm
Stiff Upper Lip
March 18th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
I understand that people can be pretty oblivious to mental health issues. It’s easier to understand someone’s health physically because you can see it with your own eyes. Mental health may not be obvious to other people so it’s harder for them to understand how it feels in your head.
I’m glad that you actually talk about mental health issues, it’s a tough subject to talk about and bring up to people. There’s a huge lack of education and understanding for mental health. Most of my public education involved physical and sexual health. I am assuming for many other people it is and was the same. It’s time we address our body physically, mentally and spiritually.
Support is a huge factor when it comes to finding help and managing mental health problems. So keep talking ! I think education is key to helping others get help and teach others to be less ignorant towards those who need help.
March 18th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
NOT just for ACDC…
http://skyways.lib.ks.us/poetry/juleps/stifflip.html
here’s the last of it…
…If you’re honest and faithful and true,
Your friends will be faithful to you–
Keep a stiff upper lip.
Don’t cheat, don’t be tricky, don’t lie,
And never, no, never say die,
Keep heaven and hope in your eye–
Keep a stiff upper lip.
J. M. Cavaness.
March 18th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
I know a lot of people who are on the NO PILLS EVER! bandwagon, even for non-mental illnesses. Friend of mine got hit by a car and refuses the painkillers and muscle relaxants her doc prescribed in favour of alternative therapies. (And then complains that she’s in pain.) Well… natural is all well and good, but when I’m hurting, I’m all about better living through chemistry.
As far as mental illness goes… I fully believe it should be considered the same as any other ailment. Some heart conditions can be controlled with exercise and diet and stress reduction, which is great, but others need medication. No different with the brain.
Personally, given my own history, I don’t think my depression can be managed on my own; unfortunately, that’s where I find myself now, free falling, because the medication I was on was just wrong wrong wrong for me… so wrong that I’m now scared to try anything new. That’s my safety net, though, for when and if I just can’t manage on my own any longer.
“This blog will therefore reflect the differing moods that wash over me like waves because of it…”
Good god, just…. yes, completely and totally.
March 18th, 2008 at 6:10 pm
Live from Detroit real time (via cell phone to me in Vancouver):
Well, he’s soundin pretty good in Detroit…. I heard a guy yell out: “That’s why we love you”…
99% is on right now. just started……
Oh this is just what the doctor ordered for me tonite…
Thanks Angel boo boo
March 18th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
My philosophy is that medications exist for a reason. I do truly believe that more people use them than truly need to, but there are countless cases where a chemical answer is not only acceptable, but necessary. There are times when chemical imbalances are too great, when pain is too great, or when the body simply cannot do what is required of it (whether it’s sleep, or heal, or self-regulate).
The thing I find the most interesting is when people decide that “natural” supplements are the answer. Umm, fundamentally, ginseng is as foreign to your system as is aspirin, or penicillin, or hydrocodone. It’s not something your body produces naturally for itself. They only vary in how they affect your body, and how strongly. Botulism appears in nature, as does hemlock. The fact that they aren’t manufactured doesn’t make them inherently safe.
I hope you find the combination that works for you, Matt, to get you back to your peak.
March 18th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
Man, is there a pill for one suffering shortness of breath listening to Load Me Up in Acoustic..? Jay sus..
Matt you are rockin my world tonite!!
March 18th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
not one of us clever enough to be here supporting or learning from what you do, thinks that you can cure your illness with meditation or yoga. nor do i believe anyone thinks that you abuse of medication now or ever have, for no reason at all. i think everyone wants to share their stories a lot truely believe they will be helpful to you….seeing the innocence in others is always best…
we are all, in fact, flawed in our own way, whether it be mental illness or other misc damage.
March 18th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
Hey Matt
As someone who suffers from schizophrenia and also someone who has been med free for years, I’ll have to somewhat disagree with you. It might not be a typical case, but an experience nonetheless.
Now, I didn’t get better with breathing exercises and herbal medicine mind you - if someone is in a really bad spot and currently taking pills, they should continue until they are at least through frequent episodes. However, I did make a LOT of positive changes to my life and wrote a daily journal for awhile to monitor patterns. This was done with the help of one or two people I was fortunate enough to have around.
As for pills, they were my life for a long time. I was a zombie - dead to the world with no emotion or feeling whatsoever. I had a few bad experiences with pills when my psych was “trying out” a cocktail which included paxil, which is a big no-no when someone is possibly in the midst of a schizophrenic episode, which I was for a couple of years straight. That being said I nearly died, and once I felt that I had at least half myself with a firm grip on reality, I stopped consuming my tiny little friends. The pattern of taking pills when I didn’t feel right never left, though and i took a much too large dose of my “just in case of a real emergency” stash that I had in the cabinet. After waking up 3 days later (antipyschotic meds are designed to put you in a coma, not kill you) I swore them off unless I could no longer function in my day to day life.
Ever since then, I have been med free and my episodes are fewer and farther between than ever. When they come, it’s bad and can be incredibly overwhelming, but I am healthier now than I’ve ever been. I have a 6 day a week job that involves working directly with clients, and have no problems with it at all.
I of course am not saying that this is for everyone, and people with any kind of mental health issues should attempt it. It is a chemical issue and while most disorders are not nearly understood, some people just need to take meds indefinitely. I, as well as many other schizophrenics, have just been lucky enough to find something that works.
I guess I just wanted people to know it isn’t totally impossible.
March 18th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
m, what worked for you?
March 18th, 2008 at 6:42 pm
Honestly, everything. Diet, exercise, day to day patterns, patterns of thought, keeping 3 different journals (crazy, diet, and non-crazy observations/reflections),…everything. There are a thousand things I did at different times, and it was definitely not easy. I had to realize when an episode was starting that things that were about to happen, or things I would ‘experience’ weren’t real. Or weren’t based in reality. That was hard without pills to numb it. But again, I had someone there letting me know that it was ok a lot of the time. Sometimes it didn’t help, but a lot of times it did.
I think I was lucky and that yes I did a lot to help myself, but maybe my brain was just more “ok” with different methods. For awhile I thought I just didn’t have it as bad as other people, but that was clearly not true. I don’t know, I think a lot of it was my own particular brain chemistry and the timing of the things I did. Who knows, really.
March 18th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
I have bipolar disorder and would gladly undergo a fucking labotomy if it were at all possible for a cure. I take meds because without them I would be dead, my miracle pill is lithium. Now people assume that I enjoy taking cocktails of anti psychotics and mood stabilizers, well I dont dammit. It is a daily UPHILL STRUGGLE to live with this fucking burden. I’ve lost many friends and supports because they could no longer stand to be around me. If people actually believe natural alternatives will cure a biological/ chemical problem then they are fucking retarded !!!!!!!!
March 18th, 2008 at 6:59 pm
In a time where it feels like everyone lies it’s refreshing to see someone who is so honest about themselves and what they are feeling at any given moment.
March 18th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
[quote comment="46440"]I have bipolar disorder and would gladly undergo a fucking labotomy if it were at all possible for a cure. I take meds because without them I would be dead, my miracle pill is lithium. Now people assume that I enjoy taking cocktails of anti psychotics and mood stabilizers, well I dont dammit. It is a daily UPHILL STRUGGLE to live with this fucking burden. I’ve lost many friends and supports because they could no longer stand to be around me. If people actually believe natural alternatives will cure a biological/ chemical problem then they are fucking retarded !!!!!!!![/quote]
I don’t think anyone here believes that natural alternatives will cure mental illness nor are we implying that you shouldn’t take prescribed medicine. We’re only suggesting that perhaps, in addition to medicine, these things can also be beneficial to an overall state of well being and shouldn’t be overlooked as supplemental therapies. There were many things touched on here, not just mental illness - nausea, insomnia, etc. And some of the techniques described in the comments here ARE proven to be beneficial and CONTRIBUTE to better overall health. So no, on their own they won’t do diddly to “cure” mental illness….but hand in hand, with the prescribed drug therapy, I’m sure they would have some positive effects. And especially so when it comes to sleeplessness. So before the people who were trying to be helpful are jumped all over here, understand that there are several things to factor in when it comes to wellness. And supplementing drug therapy with relaxation techniques and healthy lifestyle choices can never be a bad thing.
“Retarded” isn’t really a great term to use, as it implies that “retarded” people are “stupid”, which also isn’t true.
March 18th, 2008 at 8:20 pm
What is so sad about this illness is that most people on average don’t get properly diagnosed for up to 10 years. I am a psychiatric nurse and have Bipolar II. It can be quite a challenge to treat and one size does not fit all. Many of us fall in different areas of the spectrum.
Having this illness has made me a better person. I am so passionate about what I do. I take pleasure in the simple things in life. Sure, there are some bumps in the road and exacerbations. My internal clock has to adjust to the longer and shorter days. It just so happens that I had one of those nights that I was a little wired. That’s ok, because, I was up listening to this beautiful music of MG that a friend on psycho-babble web site just recently turned me on to. I was surprised to see that he will be in Phili next week. Hope my hubby and I can get tickets before they are sold out.
P.S.
For any of you bipolars out there who are still struggling, the drug Lamictal saved my life. Don’t give up! There is hope. Just believe!
March 18th, 2008 at 8:50 pm
Great show tonight in Detroit…
Overly pessimistic post here before you took the stage, in my honest opinion.
Watching my mother fight the hell of bipolarity and its occasional hospitalization is qualification enough for me to proceed, and I maintain the argument that there IS a light at the end of your tunnel, and with an open mind, you do control your own mental destiny.
No person with the clairvoyance required to evaluate the politicall landscape on a regular basis the way you do is doomed to be a slave within their own mind. Maybe the drugs do more good than harm, maybe not - but on the extremes - less is more.
All the best -
March 18th, 2008 at 9:05 pm
[quote comment="46402"]I would just like to add, since you tend to read the first few responses, I’m still waiting for an article about the recent extension of Canada’s mission in Afghanistan to 2011.
(it seems you guys have removed the ‘edit’ function. hmph.)[/quote]
I’m out of the loop out here. I just searched the web and found nothing. Toss me a link.
March 18th, 2008 at 9:12 pm
http://www.cbc.ca/canada/story/2008/03/13/motion-confidence.html ?
March 18th, 2008 at 9:18 pm
[quote comment="46436"]Hey Matt
As someone who suffers from schizophrenia and also someone who has been med free for years, I’ll have to somewhat disagree with you. It might not be a typical case, but an experience nonetheless.
Now, I didn’t get better with breathing exercises and herbal medicine mind you - if someone is in a really bad spot and currently taking pills, they should continue until they are at least through frequent episodes. However, I did make a LOT of positive changes to my life and wrote a daily journal for awhile to monitor patterns. This was done with the help of one or two people I was fortunate enough to have around.
As for pills, they were my life for a long time. I was a zombie - dead to the world with no emotion or feeling whatsoever. I had a few bad experiences with pills when my psych was “trying out” a cocktail which included paxil, which is a big no-no when someone is possibly in the midst of a schizophrenic episode, which I was for a couple of years straight. That being said I nearly died, and once I felt that I had at least half myself with a firm grip on reality, I stopped consuming my tiny little friends. The pattern of taking pills when I didn’t feel right never left, though and i took a much too large dose of my “just in case of a real emergency” stash that I had in the cabinet. After waking up 3 days later (antipyschotic meds are designed to put you in a coma, not kill you) I swore them off unless I could no longer function in my day to day life.
Ever since then, I have been med free and my episodes are fewer and farther between than ever. When they come, it’s bad and can be incredibly overwhelming, but I am healthier now than I’ve ever been. I have a 6 day a week job that involves working directly with clients, and have no problems with it at all.
I of course am not saying that this is for everyone, and people with any kind of mental health issues should attempt it. It is a chemical issue and while most disorders are not nearly understood, some people just need to take meds indefinitely. I, as well as many other schizophrenics, have just been lucky enough to find something that works.
I guess I just wanted people to know it isn’t totally impossible.[/quote]
That’s a really interesting story. My god brother is schizophrenic and can barely function as a normal person when off medication. When on them he’s a little better. If you don’t mind me asking, what is your subtype? It’s just a shot in the dark, but is it DSM code 295.6, ICD code F20.5?
March 18th, 2008 at 9:27 pm
[quote comment="46452"][quote comment="46436"]Hey Matt
As someone who suffers from schizophrenia and also someone who has been med free for years, I’ll have to somewhat disagree with you. It might not be a typical case, but an experience nonetheless.
Now, I didn’t get better with breathing exercises and herbal medicine mind you - if someone is in a really bad spot and currently taking pills, they should continue until they are at least through frequent episodes. However, I did make a LOT of positive changes to my life and wrote a daily journal for awhile to monitor patterns. This was done with the help of one or two people I was fortunate enough to have around.
As for pills, they were my life for a long time. I was a zombie - dead to the world with no emotion or feeling whatsoever. I had a few bad experiences with pills when my psych was “trying out” a cocktail which included paxil, which is a big no-no when someone is possibly in the midst of a schizophrenic episode, which I was for a couple of years straight. That being said I nearly died, and once I felt that I had at least half myself with a firm grip on reality, I stopped consuming my tiny little friends. The pattern of taking pills when I didn’t feel right never left, though and i took a much too large dose of my “just in case of a real emergency” stash that I had in the cabinet. After waking up 3 days later (antipyschotic meds are designed to put you in a coma, not kill you) I swore them off unless I could no longer function in my day to day life.
Ever since then, I have been med free and my episodes are fewer and farther between than ever. When they come, it’s bad and can be incredibly overwhelming, but I am healthier now than I’ve ever been. I have a 6 day a week job that involves working directly with clients, and have no problems with it at all.
I of course am not saying that this is for everyone, and people with any kind of mental health issues should attempt it. It is a chemical issue and while most disorders are not nearly understood, some people just need to take meds indefinitely. I, as well as many other schizophrenics, have just been lucky enough to find something that works.
I guess I just wanted people to know it isn’t totally impossible.[/quote]
That’s a really interesting story. My god brother is schizophrenic and can barely function as a normal person when off medication. When on them he’s a little better. If you don’t mind me asking, what is your subtype? It’s just a shot in the dark, but is it DSM code 295.6, ICD code F20.5?[/quote]
HUH? I am completly lost with your last sentence Matt. What is subtype DSM code 295.6??? Fill me in…
March 18th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
This is why Scientology scares the living daylights out of me. Having an unbearable form of manic depression, its hard to try and stay off meds. There are days where I wish I had something to make me feel better and think straight, and then there are the other days where I find myself wondering if medication is really for me. The rough patch ended for me the day I realized that I was thinking irrationally and having suicidal thoughts throughout the entire day, and it kept me from sleeping, eating, working, more or less everything I once enjoyed I no longer wanted to partake in. I gained about 20lbs which I worked very hard in the past year to take off. Losing an apprenticeship position in a virtual dreamjob didn’t help at all either. I’m nearly 21 now. (Give it a few days). Realistically at the rate I’ve been going at I would be surprised if I made it to 25. Since the depressions been off and on for months at a time I go through periods where I feel totally fine and then the next minuit out of the blue I’m shut out in front of the computer checking my inbox five times an hour. I’ve also been on the rocks due to the fact that most types of medication has little to no effect on me. (For example, regular tylenols, I’d have to take 4 or 5 of them to feel any effect, and this isn’t from building up tolerance either, I rarely ever take any sort of drug for that reason alone).
I find that people who say everything is 100% mind over matter must have some sort of screw loose. It is possible to think positive. Believe me, I try thinking happy thoughts like lesbians and painting, but that only gets you so far and by the time you knowe it theres really nothing you can do to change the way you feel. Medications have helped a few people I know with Manic Depression and Schizophrenia, and seeing what it does for them I highly doubt that will power alone would calm their symptoms down to the point where their condition was at least managable.
(That might have been just pointless rambling but its 2am and I’ve been up too long to really make sense..yay insomnia!)
March 18th, 2008 at 10:03 pm
jnifer:
“Historically, schizophrenia in the West was classified into simple, catatonic, hebephrenic (now known as disorganized), and paranoid. The DSM contains five sub-classifications of schizophrenia:
* paranoid type: where delusions and hallucinations are present but thought disorder, disorganized behavior, and affective flattening are absent (DSM code 295.3/ICD code F20.0)
* disorganized type: named ‘hebephrenic schizophrenia’ in the ICD. Where thought disorder and flat affect are present together (DSM code 295.1/ICD code F20.1)
* catatonic type: prominent psychomotor disturbances are evident. Symptoms can include catatonic stupor and waxy flexibility (DSM code 295.2/ICD code F20.2)
* undifferentiated type: psychotic symptoms are present but the criteria for paranoid, disorganized, or catatonic types have not been met (DSM code 295.9/ICD code F20.3)
* residual type: where positive symptoms are present at a low intensity only (DSM code 295.6/ICD code F20.5)
The ICD-10 recognises a further two subtypes:
* post-schizophrenic depression: a depressive episode arising in the aftermath of a schizophrenic illness where some low-level schizophrenic symptoms may still be present (ICD code F20.4)
* simple schizophrenia: insidious but progressive development of prominent negative symptoms with no history of psychotic episodes (ICD code F20.6)” (taken from Yahoo Answers)
March 18th, 2008 at 11:04 pm
I agree to the post. I take meds for fucked up sleep as I eluded to a while back.
I think its all a mass conspiracy by pharmaceutical companies…they have access to our food supplies to inject them with “fuck up chemicals”…then we eat all that shit and it fucks up our melons……..then we go to the doc and he/she gives us the drugs to mask the real problem….who benefits? ahh, Country leaders who are paid off…..food companies who are all paid off….in fact thousands and thousands of people are all paid off to keep their mouths shut about all of this….
Its amazing that with all the people that really know about this conspiracy, no one talks.
I think someone is watching me type this….I better sign off before they figure me out.
March 18th, 2008 at 11:17 pm
I really wish I could get my family to read what you posted, but my parents are among those who are generally have been ignorant when it comes dealing with my depression. (Bipolar II) I’ve given them the materials and I let them know I’m going to be OK, but conversations almost always turns into a lecture where all I’m told is that I need to to loose weight and completely forget about the Ex because “if I don’t do anything, he’s won.” I’m also told that I should be so open about my bipolarity because it’s not something I should be proud of…and then my mom wants me to write her something because she thinks my style is hilarious. I haven’t written anything worthwhile to share to my family in years. I’m too guilty and ashamed that all I’ve been able to spit out is depressing blog entries on MySpace that would only result in a lecture focusing on how I scare my parents.
It’s just best if I stick to dealing with this shit alone until I’m able to see my case worker (every two or three weeks), talk to my best friend (weekends only if we have time) and write depressing blog entries for MySpace. Oh, and read other blogs created by people who also have deal with this shit.
Thanks for bringing this stuff up these past few days. It helps to talk about it with others.
March 18th, 2008 at 11:27 pm
I made some major grammatical errors. It should be “are generally ignorant” and “I shouldn’t be open”
And a PS: I learned I’m So Tired by the Beatles on the guitar this week and thought of your posts the entire time I worked on it. There’s definitely a song for everything, isn’t there?
March 19th, 2008 at 1:04 am
Take care, dear.;)
March 19th, 2008 at 1:53 am
For jnifer:
The DSM is the the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. It’s “the” handbook book for mental health professionals.
[quote comment="46414"]Suggestions are okay, but lay off the preachy-preachy. I think most people mean well, but Matt’s been wearing big-boy pantaloons for a long time now. :)[/quote]
I totally agree.
[quote]This blog will therefore reflect the differing moods that wash over me like waves because of it, and that is something that should be taken into consideration by those that read this site on a daily basis.[/quote]
I think you’ve already been doing this for a while. In some ways, I’m envious at your ability to put into words what’s going on inside you. There are times when I wish I could put my feelings into comprehensible words. But, I just plain suck at it.
March 19th, 2008 at 4:32 am
In some ways, I’m envious at your ability to put into words what’s going on inside you. There are times when I wish I could put my feelings into comprehensible words. But, I just plain suck at it.[/quote]
Eva, darling… you’re better at it than you think, but I agree with your sentiment here completely. The man has an amazing talent in this realm. It translates in lyric and performance, and after seeing him live for the first time, it hit home even more. Well put, and I loved this post. Though I don’t feel a “calm down” post should necessarily have to be warranted after sharing ones feelings, this was really well done.
March 19th, 2008 at 4:45 am
If you have the choice, give up a leg so you can still play guitar for us.
I can’t begin to imagine what it’s like to have a clinically diagnosed mental condition so I don’t tend to have an opinion on what will and will not work to treat it. I do believe each person is different and what may work for one person, may not for another. I’m just glad that you’ve found something that works for you and helps you maintain some level of comfort and control.
March 19th, 2008 at 4:56 am
Matt, if you get the time to read this…I may have a suggestion or two. I also have biploar disorder. I was diagnosed several years ago. I have had both manic and depressive bouts in the past. I was on medication for several years (and still am to a lesser extent).
While I was on the extreme number and dosage of medications (to get and stay stabilized), I believed that there was nothing else that could work. I have learned that this is not necessarily the case. I decided to look into other possibilities because of the serious physical harm the medications were doing to me (you’re probably aware of listed possible side effects, as well as others you may have personally experienced.)
Granted, any treatment with the possibility of success can only work if the person is willing to give it a chance. I don’t want to sell you anything, just tell you something that’s helping me.
If you want more information, email me. I’m assuming that since this is your website you have access to the email addresses of all users.
March 19th, 2008 at 5:09 am
I have to say — I don’t think anyone was trying to say flush the effexor and snort some mother wart… herbal remedies and natural alternatives can help with relaxation. And since I am very close to a person who has manic and depressive and please lets not forget rage episodes I will put in my two cents. A couple of years ago someone gave me the name of an herbal remedy, my husband was so sick and tired of the dose changes of effexor he had switched over to one called seroquil that made him sleep for 12 hours if not more a day and feel like shit at work - so at that point he was willing to try anything he weined off the seroquill and started on this herbal pill - eventually he was able to normalize himself where he doesn’t take medication at all - he still has episodes and every day inside his head goes on a lot of things that I can’t understand - but he manages it. If you believe there is no hope… that’s all you will get.
Now this is the story of one person.. clearly I am not moronic enough to think everyone is the same - but… it is possible - I can give you proof of that
March 19th, 2008 at 5:23 am
http://www.canada.com/calgaryherald/news/story.html?id=ad7b6780-e8a6-46be-9f03-33cf046e83ac&k=64722
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7294800.stm
March 19th, 2008 at 6:27 am
Matt - (sorry I don’t know how to do the quote thing)
Yes, I am definitely DSM code 295.6 ICD code F20.5, which is clearly how I can function without meds and without people wondering what is wrong with me. However I have made a few transitions through it, I think that’s pretty common. I started with DSM code 295.I ICD code F20.1, took a terrifying dive into DSM code 295.3 ICD code F20.0, and stayed there rather uncomfortably for years. I definitely think what subtype someone is plays a role in how much they can work with it.
March 19th, 2008 at 6:56 am
Sorry If I’ve offended anyone, I simply was venting in response to the post. I can’t stand how over analytical everyone gets about the words used and whatever else. Being that I’ve lived with this all my life I know what works and what does not, I agree that along with drug therapy, natural alternatives are effective.
March 19th, 2008 at 6:56 am
Well worth the drive and bullshit at the border last night in Detroit!…That was wicked…..Hope i can make Vermont…Take care Matt!!
Justin
March 19th, 2008 at 7:05 am
I understand the need for meds, my mom relies on them. Isn’t it strange how someone can take medication to balance things out, then turn around and try and use it to overdose? I will never understand.
March 19th, 2008 at 7:14 am
[quote comment="46472"]I do believe each person is different and what may work for one person, may not for another. [/quote]
Indeed. I tend to tell everyone who will listen, “Effexor is evil, run awaaaaaaaaaaaaay!”, but the reality is it might work great for someone else. (Though, I must admit, I’m not basing my opinion of it on my experience alone, but on everything I’ve read and come across during the years I was on it and during the excruciating withdrawal process). Do your research… that’s what it comes down to.
March 19th, 2008 at 8:23 am
TOflat,
I didn’t just think I wouldn’t make it to 25, I “knew” that for a fact. One day it’ll happen though and on your birthday you’ll think “huh, look at that..”
Not to belittle how you feel or the situation you are in, but things have a way of working themselves out in one way or another. You may have missed out on some opportunities now, but you’re young and will be a hell of a lot smarter and stronger in the long run. You’ve got a thousand opportunities and experiences ahead of you. Thinking happy thoughts won’t necessarily get you there, but pushing through all the shit no matter what, will.
March 19th, 2008 at 9:08 am
[quote comment="46461"]jnifer:
“Historically, schizophrenia in the West was classified into simple, catatonic, hebephrenic (now known as disorganized), and paranoid. The DSM contains five sub-classifications of schizophrenia:
* paranoid type: where delusions and hallucinations are present but thought disorder, disorganized behavior, and affective flattening are absent (DSM code 295.3/ICD code F20.0)
* disorganized type: named ‘hebephrenic schizophrenia’ in the ICD. Where thought disorder and flat affect are present together (DSM code 295.1/ICD code F20.1)
* catatonic type: prominent psychomotor disturbances are evident. Symptoms can include catatonic stupor and waxy flexibility (DSM code 295.2/ICD code F20.2)
* undifferentiated type: psychotic symptoms are present but the criteria for paranoid, disorganized, or catatonic types have not been met (DSM code 295.9/ICD code F20.3)
* residual type: where positive symptoms are present at a low intensity only (DSM code 295.6/ICD code F20.5)
The ICD-10 recognises a further two subtypes:
* post-schizophrenic depression: a depressive episode arising in the aftermath of a schizophrenic illness where some low-level schizophrenic symptoms may still be present (ICD code F20.4)
* simple schizophrenia: insidious but progressive development of prominent negative symptoms with no history of psychotic episodes (ICD code F20.6)” (taken from Yahoo Answers)[/quote]
Thank you sooo much. Wow, thats a lot of information to take in. The things I learn here……………..
March 19th, 2008 at 9:40 am
[quote comment="46399"]I can’t believe you’d trade your livelihood as a musician, by removing an arm, to be rid of a disease.
But then again, that just tells me how little I understand BPD.[/quote]
I would rather be blnd then deal with it. For the better part of my life, I have had to take Lithium, JUST to get by..when my mother passed away a few months ago, I did some stupid crap… I stopped taking my meds and went into a sever case of mania and am back on it now and am alright… I think.
March 19th, 2008 at 9:42 am
When I first read your blog post yesterday afternoon, Matt, I wanted to respond right away, but this is the first time that I’ve been able to sit down and actually put my thoughts into words. I hope it all makes sense because I have all these things I want to say and I don’t want it to sound all jumbled and disjointed.
When I read your post, I felt like you were trying to justify to everyone your reasons for taking medication… The drug cynics will always be around, but you should never feel like you have to justify your reasons for the methods in which you are treating your BPD. You know your body and what it needs to be healthy and that’s that. No more answers needed.
Reading your post, it reminded me a bit of myself several years ago when I was first diagnosed with depression. Mental illness definitely runs rampant in my family, with two uncles diagnosed with BPD, several aunts and uncles diagnosed with depression and a mother who has had anxiety problems for many years. As soon as I informed the psychiatrist about my medical history, he look at me stunned and told me that my problems were genetic and that I would have to take medication for the rest of my life, period. For a while I sort of accepted it, that I had some sort of “genetic defect” that resulted in this mood disorder, and I couldn’t do anything about it. But then I decided to choose a different way of thinking. Yes, I had this lifelong condition, but I wasn’t going to just sit there and let it take over my life. Along with the medication, I decided to do psychotherapy, and I can’t say I would be where I am right now without that combination. The psychotherapy has helped me realize that yes, I do have a genetic predisposition to the condition, but I can make active steps in my thoughts and behaviors to help combat my tendency to get depressed and feel anxious. Luckily, I’ve been able to get off the medications, and have been meds free for about 2 years. The psychotherapy has allowed understand when I am not in control of my moods anymore, when my brain needs the extra boost of serotonin.
I really hope I’m not sounding like one of those anti-medication people, because I’m definitely not. I’m just saying that medication and psychotherapy has helped me feel like I have more control of these lifelong problems. And I know that there is a lot of research saying that BPD is a chemical imbalance, but that doesn’t mean that psychotherapy can’t help combat some of the symptoms that go along with depression.
So in short, I just wanted to put a plug in for psychotherapy and medication.
Also - amazing show in Detroit! My only criticism is that our car got broken into and several expensive items were stolen (laptop, ipod, etc). We learned our lesson though - and we’d rather be late to a show because we had to drop off the expensive items at home than keep them in the car!
March 19th, 2008 at 11:37 am
The gift or the curse of the old soul. The only thing older are angels.The gift in itself needs to be used properly to remain a gift. So many old souls searh for that of what is the same. It is opposites that you look for. Look to young souls (not necessarily young people) for comfort. The energy between two old souls is too strong. You will feel the release when you are in the right company.Remember to treat the other soul as a receiver not as a receptacle. Feel each other and it will be what is meant for both. Opposites of all respects work for young souls against old (complexity verses simplicity). Why do migarine pills contain so much caffeine when caffeine causes migraines? Try powerade to sleep (sounds odd, but it works). There are many people who love crazy people and crazy to them, means good not bad.
March 19th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
Good entry, and I agree :)
March 19th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
To everyone in this topic who has shared their personal experiences of having a mental illness (or their experiences of a loved one who does):
I have heard lots of suggestions that I thought were really useful (psychotherapy, exercise, eating habits, journalling, etc.) and others that I didn’t find the most useful.
I really related to feeling like a zombie and sleeping way more than our bodies are meant to. I also related to being bounced from one set of medications to another. (Because the medications were the wrong ones for my age, mental illness or just because the body builds up a tolerance/resistance to the meds).
The additional method that I use is homeopathy. I tried naturopathy and accupunture, but have found homeopathy to be much more effective in my situation. There is also a more encompassing form of homeopathy called Heilkunst. To get more info. , check out these 2 websites for Ontario: http://www.ontariohomeopath.com/ & http://www.homeopathy.com/clinic/
March 19th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
M
great story about your illness.very inspiring.i hope some people will be able to take some comfort in the idea that it is possible for some to take control and with hard work and dedication can over come some thing so difficult.
my hat off to you.
good luck with everything.
March 19th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
when i say M i meant m. not Matt good just to clarify.
well that’s not to take away from matt.
i was more inspired by m’s story that’s all.
no offence.
March 19th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
I enjoy your music very much, but I think that I admire the person behind the music that can come out and say that they have a mental illness more.
After working in a hospital for twenty years in a Behavioral Health Center seeing people who stay in Psych. Wards, got to Outpatient Clinics and are apart of Day Programs, you understand what it takes to make the perfect balance of Life.
I have seen what it’s like for people to battle mood swings, sleepless nights and sometimes lonely days even when you are surounded by many people. It can be the hardest thing to watch someone go through.
So I have to say that, I applaude you Matt for having the strength and courage to share that part of your life with your readers.
Maybe one day when your tour comes to my neck of the woods in New Jersey, USA, I will be able to hear music live and see that man that inspires so many just by the responses to your blog behind the words.
March 20th, 2008 at 8:43 am
Well fucking said, matt.