Browbeaten by big monsters and made out to be a paint-by-numbers cutout of who you are, this life’s more dimensional than three-dimensional, so why do those who you rely on to assist you in something like recovering from an accident insist on keeping you only two-dimensional to do so? I am not numbers on a chart, I cannot be surmised to be mappable and calculable and predictably treated. It is, without doubt, the most irritating thing I’ve endured through out the last year and a half.
Over the course of the last year I’ve written several entries pertaining to the accident I was involved in whereby I was hit by a car walking across an intersection, suffering a broken neck and knee. In this time since, I’ve recounted some of the tribulations I’ve experienced, along with some of the psychological aspects of my journey. As I arrived home on this beautiful spring day today from taking my dog Chloe out for a walk, I began thinking about the degree to which I myself create the mental journey beyond its more tangible aspects, and how easy it is to play the victim for longer than necessary after being one.
There are always variations in landscape. That’s true for scenery as much as it is for one’s life. With it, variations in weather. I’ve moved through some very difficult periods of time where so many different parts of who I am struggled to find the will to move on. For those who’ve faced similar trials, I’m sure you can relate.
Yet today, something’s different. It’s as if I’ve been expecting the rain now for long enough that I almost missed that the sun’s out. When you’re so embossed and emboldened by a daily routine of fighting what seems to be an endless routine of insecurity regarding the outcome of something very important, in this case my health and financial security, it’s almost as if you in a way become that fight, and as a result become less than all of who you are.
No doubt there have been mountains to climb on this road. More recently however, there have been ever present signs that I’m more surrounded by molehills and the constructs of my own dread than anything else. Breaking from myself in this regard is my next task.
I’ve already begun to make some changes which reflect that, and I’m sure there are many to come. Of all the realizations I’ve been having about where I’m really at, the most significant is the acknowledgement that I alone am to find my way out. It’s more significant in epiphany than in writing, surely. But to recognize that everyone involved in this whole mess will not be the ones to clean it up and also feel comforted by that, strengthened by that, is what I mean.
Maybe I couldn’t accept that before. Maybe I just didn’t like the weather- whatever the reason, I’m happy about it now.
Well, it sure looks like you are coming through it now. I wish you a great recovery – and I love the pic…simple yet complex, organic yet abstract and considered depth of field. When the playwright Dennis Potter knew he was dying, he suddenly began looking at everyday, mundane things for granted – for instance, he became immensely aware of the beauty and complexity in blossom on a plum tree. It’s only when our lives take a linear about turn do we start to really notice what’s around us, I think.
Excellent post, Dale. I had the exact same revelation about the fighting (re something in my own life) a few months ago…it’s like a fog that lifts.
Stunning photo, too. Christmas lights in spring…for a gentle reminder of where you aren’t anymore.
good revelation,dale. after tragedy it is one’s own spirit that pushes them through to true happiness or drowns in self pity never seeing what good is left or still to be found. get busy living or get busy dying. best wishes on your journey.
Not sure why I’m making a connection but I just watched Into the Wild last night.. Then reading even just the title of this post brings the movie to mind…
I used to have these 3 words writen on my mirror during my writing days:
“Courage Power Strength”
When I was in Bosnia and surrounded by evidence of ethnic cleansing, destroyed homes and displaced persons I felt so hopeless. So helpless and so useless. The UN only allows you to get so involved.
There was this starving dog. We took it in. To him we were hope.
Things have improved there but out of that shithole at the time the thing I remember the most clearly is helping that mutt.
Hope ain’t easy, it’s born of events difficult. That’s why no matter where I am I try and enjoy myself. You’ll get your comin’ uppins Dale.
And it is a kick ass day outside!
Wow. I cannot imagine what it must be like to find yourself in that sort of situation in reference to the accident. It almost sounds as if you went through a portion of self-imposed victimization. And please don’t take that the wrong way. It is the equivalent of crawling in bed and pulling the covers over your head until you are at peace with what lies both outside of and within their confines. Of course it’s on a grander scale, but you were giving yourself time to heal and feel what YOU had to feel. There is no comparing you to anyone else, Dale, as there is only one you so your own pace will always be right in some way or another. Your post makes me think of the phrase ‘When the student is ready the teacher appears’. It also makes me smile, you have the sound of someone who is finding themselves again. My best to you!
Quoting Patrick Pitt:
That is so slap-you-in-the-face simple and true that I wonder why I never thought of it that way before. I may rely on you for profound insight from now on.
This post made me shead a tear in joy.
So many years ago now, April was the month when I started dating my now ex-boyfriend. For years before I started dating him, my life was plagued with an extremely negative state of mind and when he came into my life, the self esteem boost put me into my last full out mania. On top of that, my days were spent doing everything I loved so much. I was involved with at least three productions at once, I was still in school, so I was still playing with the best high school jazz band in town and because we were both at the theatre so much, you could probably count the number of times I had to turn a volunteer opportunity on one hand. What a better way to celebrate a birthday!
When he dumped me in July of that year, my mind was forced back to the extreme negativity ten fold, which is what triggered the depression that hasn’t let up since. But instead of associating August as the time of the year when everything all went wrong, I’ve been spending my birthdays absolutely dreading the year ahead of me. Last year, I got pissed drunk because I didn’t want to feel like I was turning 32 to the point I felt the biological clock on the last countdown. I wanted to feel 22 to the point I know damn well I have plenty time. I still can’t think of Bailey’s without getting sick to my stomach.
However, this year, things are playing out so much differently.
I don’t know if it’s the medication finally working or if I can’t stand being jealous of heroes because they’re strutting my stage. All I know is that I don’t fucking care anymore and I have to get on that stage. On April 1, 2008, I actually audition for my first production in three years. I’ve been asked for a call back. Come September 22, 2008, a successful call back audition could see me on that stage as a select back up singer. It’s not a lead by any means, but it’ll be the highest position I’ve ever been asked to do.
Today is the first day of true spring weather. Its 14C, the sun is out, and I’m going to be dropping by the theatre later on tonight to drop of a picture to an old friend who is retiring from the organization.
For the first time in years, things are getting are getting back on track.
Dale, thanks for the post. :)
Livewire don’t do it - I also hoped the Leafs would make the playoffs.
I’m like Babe Ruth - lots of Home Runs, but lots of strikeouts.
It’s like scrunching your shoulders because you are under stress, and because you scrunch your shoulders it makes your neck hurt. Then because your neck hurts you get a headache, and you clench your jaw because your head hurts. Then for whatever reason the stress goes away. But your jaw is still clenched and it hurts and you can’t figure out why. Not sure if that was where you were going, but that’s where my little mind goes. In the end I guess I’m the only person who can stop clenching my jaw, even if I didn’t cause the stress in the first place.
I hope things only get better for you!!!!
Well I think the key thing is that you moved on & I would say your doing remarkable well. Shit, I thought you only got “hit” once in life, so I can’t even begin to imagine what you have been though.
I mean, I probably can… & thats very frightening! Than again, …its a crazy world & I don’t know what I would of done without the Avalanche c.d. Thank goodness for music and some amazing human spirits!
Your picture is breath taking…..however! Sooo sooo lovely, thank you.
d.
Quoting Patrick Pitt:
But no Roid Rage. Well, unless it is directly related to the Leafs. Besides, I somehow have come to believe that hope is for ‘other people’. Kind of like yard work and screaming kids. Someone else, not me.
Yeah, the Leafs are, well, not the same, shall we say? I lived in a city where our team won the SC two years back to back. Insane stuff. In a good mullett-y sort of way.
Dale, inspiring post (as usual).
Hope is wonderful, it always seems to return in a comforting wave when I think I’ve lost it.
I’ve not been through your ordeal, not sure how long it would take to bounce back, but I’m very glad to hear of your epiphany. I had one years ago after a dark time, and I cried when I tried to explain it to my husband, there were no words, just feelings of the sun finally coming out–I thought perhaps it was similar to what people experience when they are ‘born again’.
I think this post will bring hope to others that are still recovering from their own trauma …
Totally enjoyed reading that post for so many reasons Dale!!
It is so true that, too often we become so consumed by our own worries and what our realities are- that we lose ourselves in the fight..As you said- we ‘become the fight’…. In saying that, because our attention is wrapped around all of that- we often become an unregonizable version of ourselves, so to speak. To be locked into a negetive mindset, or to be always lying in wait, for the rain- expecting that cloud over our heads to just open up and pour down on us, we do forget that the rest of the world is illuminated.
So happy to know that you are climbing your mountains “in better and brighter weather” Dale. We can have the support in the world and yet, nothing will ever change unless we, ourselves, make the first move. Glad to see you have taken control of the reigns…
You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to move forward and heal your mind and spirit as much as your body. Let all of that other go, and let the process begin…:0)
All the best!
Shoot…agian..no edit function to playwith…That was to say ” We can have ALL the support in the world, and yet…”
constructs
that word stands out for me