All Hail The New Lazercon Dynasty!

People around these parts tend to take things pretty seriously, and I suppose I can’t blame anyone being that the majority of the content on the site is rather serious. Of course, me winging off to some tropical hideaway is a rather fantastical idea, and one that I wasn’t at all serious about – though who wouldn’t want to? The truth is, I just wanted to write an entry that supported Dale’s magnificent quote used at its conclusion.

But I see now that even placing an entry in the ‘humour’ category isn’t going to stop a lot of readers from taking me seriously. That said, I think it’s time that I cashed in on this devout phenomenon – Jim Jones style.

Let’s face facts; the world is replete with crackpot religions and religious leaders. Thus, I see no reason why I shouldn’t be able to join their ranks. So here’s what we’re going to do…

1. Our Ideology

First, and most importantly of course, is that I am the supreme leader, the direct descendent of Gargon Lazercon, once the most feared intergalactic ruler in the history of time itself.

Centuries ago, my Grandfather, that being Gargon Lazercon, was imprisoned during an intergalactic coup d’état. His entire family was sent to the planet Izorg where they were forced to work the gas mines of Arbonoth. It was on Izorg that my father, Trigoth Lazercon was born, who eventually united the gas miners and led an uprising against the planet’s overlords. The brief uprising was unsuccessful, but it did allow my father and his nine wives enough time to escape Izorg, which was actually his plan all along. Frozen in a cryogenic state, their ship wandered for centuries through space before finally being caught in Earth’s gravitational pull, ultimately resulting in them crash landing near Chiapas, Mexico.

After emerging from their cryogenic state, my father and his nine wives quickly adopted human forms and, for over a century, ran one of the most successful Piñata businesses in the country. I would be born, along with my brother, in the latter half of the 20th Century, and raised to one day reclaim my family’s status as intergalactic royalty.

As the supreme leader, my goal is to father as many children as possible, impregnating human females with alien embryos that will one day constitute a force great enough to take control of the planet itself and then use its resources to produce an armada with which to reclaim my family’s birthright.

During this process, male followers will be used as manual laborers and reproductive drones up until such time as my children are born. At that time, by way of a lottery, my children, who will require their bone marrow and white blood cells to amplify their powers, will then sacrificially eat the oldest members of the community.

2. A Compound

As we’re all aware, every religious cult needs a good compound. Therefore, a remote location will have to be secured so that one can be built. The acquisition of weapons will also be required, and every follower, young and old, will have to be thoroughly trained to use them in the event that we are ever confronted by a government agency or military force. Of course, my considerable powers of telekinesis will be able to repel rocket attacks and similar aerial bombardments, but in the event that that occurs it will be imperative that I immediately have intimate relations with no less than 20 virgins to ensure that my powers are reconstituted. This, of course, is for the protection of all the compound’s inhabitants.

Beyond that, the compound will also feature an Olympic size swimming pool, hot tub, championship golf course, state of the art gym, a Walmart, Starbucks, McDonalds, Subway, Nike outlet, Red Lobster, and a Krispy Kreme.

Unfortunately, the use of computers will be prohibited, so the Starbucks will not be offering Wifi.

3. Zero Day

Zero Day is the day on which I will unleash my children upon the world and begin my take over of Earth, which I will eventually rename The Piñatagon. Of course, those earthlings that have played a role in helping me achieve my goal will be spared and placed in key upper management positions with ample stock portfolios, medical, dental, and so forth.

Most of the human race will, when all is said and done, be enslaved. The male population will be used as a food source for my offspring. The female population will be split into two groups – one of which will be made available to my male followers, and the super hottie category which will be reserved for my own use to produce more offspring.

4. Membership Is Just A Click Away

Joining this exciting final phase of human history, and, of course, ensuring your own survival (unless you’re really, really old) is as easy as three simple payments of $99.99, which you can charge to you Visa, Mastercard, or American Express. Simply email us with your information and a brief statement of what skills you possess that would make you a good candidate and we’ll get back to you as soon as we can depending on the volume of orders received. Of course, women should remember that they will be used for reproductive purposes as part of the cult’s directive, and therefore should be fertile. As an added incentive, for a limited time only, we’re offering a reduced rate for such women – only three easy payments of $39.99. With that you will receive a fertility certificate and a keepsake necklace beautifully adorned with over 50 cubic zirconias.

5. It Truly Is An Exciting Time To Save Your Own Life

If people actually believe the rubbish that L. Ron Hubbard’s faithful have been pushing for decades, I see no reason why this should be viewed any differently. Minus, of course, the fact that the ultimate goal of the cult is to subjugate the human race.

All of that said…

All hail the new Lazercon Dynasty!