Canada’s urban homie squads or the Taliban…
When you’re a hard ass urban gangster, fear isn’t an issue. Unless, of course, you’re faced with hardened fanatics actually returning fire rather than peeing their pants when you produce whatever handgun you’ve illegally acquired because your penis is only 2 inches fully erect.
Let’s cut the shit – the truth is that you wear bad clothes, have access to 24 hour drive through, listen to horrible music in your Escalade at a volume that ensures that everyone within a two-mile radius can hear it, and peddle drugs simply so that you can flash a wad and make yourself look like you’re anything but the unintelligent, drug dealing, lowlife that you actually are. Because that’s what you do, homie-clause – you deal drugs.
You’re a hard ass.
The Taliban, on the other hand, grow and sell drugs while living in the wilderness dodging air strikes, have successfully held off the militaries of major world powers for years, and do it all without enjoying the crooning of Fiddy Cent. Unlike you, who strut around like you’re invincible, the Taliban are hardened fighters that can draw on a considerable history of actually being hard asses. Hell, these are cats that used to have women run over by tanks in football stadiums. What have you done lately, tough guy?
The truth of the matter is that your pathetic ass should be marched down to the nearest CF recruiting station and subsequently shipped off to Afghanistan so that you can come face to face with real hard asses. You can opine on your life of crime back in the land of milk and honey with your fellow soldiers while you’re taking incoming mortar, small arms, and RPG fire whilst not trying to piss yourself. It’s a far cry from partying, peddling coke, and playing Guitar Hero until five in the morning.
You are, without a doubt – hard. Make no mistake about it. Let’s face it; anyone that consciously chooses a life of crime must be a Mensa member, there’s just no two ways about it. Two, by the way, is the equivalent of one and one – so imagine you’re selling to two different customers and add that together.
The police, or the five-0 as you so lovingly refer to them, are laughable in your eyes. That’s why, in my humble opinion, JTF2 should be appointed the task of dealing with you.
Forget due process, The Charter, and all of that other horseshit. The boys in Joint Task Force Two should just be given a mandate to hunt your ass down and dispose of you. Personally, it would make fantastic reality television. Unlike you, they have access to a wide variety of wonderful toys and are actually trained in their use. Just imagine Canada’s version of the SAS painting the back of your head all over the entrance to your crib when you step out your front door– and all without a sound made.
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I loves me some satire with my morning tea
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Damn!
nuff’ said
love it
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What’s wrong with playin Guitar Hero til 5 in the morning?
Oh yeah, it’s not Rock Band!
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Truer words were never spoken. Although I’m not too sure if this comparison would either smarten people up or just goad them in to being more retarded to try prove something. Probably the latter, but at least it would indeed make a good TV show.
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Right f-ing on. Big fish in a little pond - so tough when they’re the only ones packing a gun. We have created an environment for these criminals to flourish - getting rich on drugs and getting high on their “power”. When are we going to develop the collective will to actually deal with this problem? Take the profit away from the criminals, enforce the criminal code and put some guys in jail. Is anybody else tired of hearing “…so-and-so, well known to police…” It’s time to deal with this problem.
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Yeah because we all know that true bad-asses wear baggy jeans around their knees and can’t walk without using one hand to hold them up.
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This post immediately reminded me of the song “What’s Hardcore?” by K’Naan. He raps about growing up in Mogadishu, Somalia and how all these “gangstas” have no idea what it means to be hardcore.
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wow wow wow! loves it! satire with oh so much truth just ruuuuules
dont forget, so-called “hardasses”, that opium is harvested by *gasp* hand and that *sigh* Afghani Kush weed costs a literal arm n leg over there; so why not go there and harvest it yourself instead of whining about paying 250 an ounce?
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Is this an election promise? If so, you’ve got my vote.
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Now those are some ideas I would vote for! Matt, I think you should write another book and fill it with satirical gems like this post…
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I would actually start watching TV again if this was a reality TV show…genuis!
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damn lawyers. I blame them
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Couldn’t have said it better myself!
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Aaaahhhh, LOL, that was cute.
Especially the part about them cruising around town blasting the utterly shitty music, that they wrongly assume everyone -as you say- in a two mile radius- wants us to hear. I assume we don’t get a choice in the matter.
Nothing like flashin your trash around- Way to avaoid the “po=po’s” and be on the “down low” boys.
Good idea, shipping their asses off to fight in a real war…Time to stop playing GI Joes and be serious.
I always used to think that people like that would be wonderful candidates for animal testing. Save our furry friends and replace them with this kind of scum. Ethics? F*ck ‘em- you can’t get any closer to the ideal model this way.
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Matt, you are such a hoot!! That is one SERIOUSLY sharp piece of writing ;0)
Young ‘hard-arse’ guns here are just the same, although we’ve a long way to go to catch up with the North American Habit. Just this week though, another teenager was shot and murdered in London. And the ‘experts’ blame this growing culture among (predominantly – it has to be said – young black males) on poverty, of all things.
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Think I’ll put my money on the guys who learned to shoot an AK-47 before they could walk over the numbnuts who cut their teeth on Grand Theft Auto.
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I love it ! much better than another wrist slap!
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Yes.
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Finally. TV worth watching.
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In the olden days they would have made you a king.
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I’m pretty sure a couple of us angry housewives could take em down if push came to shove. Don’t fuck with my washer at the laundromat or it could get ugly.
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MY Gansta’s Paradise.
Keep up the fight for my gansta’s paradise,
my oversized t-shirts and platnium “Ice”,
I live to be selfish selling crack or smack,
which pays for my large fries & big macs,
If you look at me wrong or step on my toe’s,
you’ll die like the rest of my foes,
I have lots of reason to kill,
just test my will,
See ….I’m the bully on the block,
with a pocket full of rock,
who thanks you for fighting the good fight, for my rights,
althougth I care nothing for your life,
I only care about my needs,
and have no concerns for things overseas.
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Sometimes, you sound like those you despise.
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I must say, this was a twist I certainly was not expecting. Satire indeed…
Although I do take your meaning; there are hardcore badguys and then just the guys that play at it. Currently, here in Alberta, we are seeing an influx of Somali refugees; not bad in and of itself but with all groups there will always be a criminal element. These guys are hard, growing up in Mogadishu tends to put things at their most base level: survival. It makes things tricky when they open fire regardless of who may be around. It is like they do not expect to live too long and if they do, well, take what you can. Pretty interesting dynamic.
I would leave the eradication in the hands of the police, they know who the badguys are and where to find them. And I think a lot of them would love to get rid of the problems in their community, they see them everyday.
Although the Death Squad approach a la Brazil never really works out in the end…
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UTTERLY BRILLIANT POST!
My comments: don’t forget “Grills”, ’cause teeth jewellery that can cause irreparable damage is COOL.
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I went on this huge field exercise in the summer of 2006 called Vigilant guardian, thats when I saw them… actually I didn’t see them because JTF2 is “The wind”. Thats what I’ve heard them called.
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I’m hard like Christmas Candy - but I listen to Costello, The Pogues and Marvin Gaye….How’s my street cred?
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I feel like clapping!
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Another brilliant and oh so funny post Mr. Good.
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Whadda ‘ya mean “only” two inches?
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Have you ever heard the song “Report Card” by Soulja Boy Tellem (yes, Soulja Boy… what a crock) Anyway, it is hilarious because it totally devalues education and has some of the elements of this amazing post, cos you know, failing school, disrespecting profs, getting crunk and selling drugs is super fresh!
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I have a story… it is called.. Matthew Good is the greatest man alive….. it goes something like this:
Matthew Good is the greatest man alive. The End.
I hope you all enjoyed it.
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I loved that story Mwillson. It was really excellent.
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How about a trip to Afghanistan instead of jail time or community service for the little shit heads convicted on drug offences.
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Quoting greg b66:
Do you refer to cancer patients as “shit heads”?
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Quoting greg b66:
Anyone else have ‘Copperhead Raod’ running through their head? I’m not sure providing gangstas with small-arms training (or even target practice) is a great idea.
Assuming, of course, any of them make it back…
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Please don’t make the association between cancer patients and the little fucks running around the cities with guns in their hands and drugs in their pockets.
I’m offended for my Father, who’s just battled cancer and for my mother, who recently lost her valiant fight against it. They have nothing in common with the shit heads being referred to here.
My brother is a recovering addict and I know, first hand, about the shit heads. They threatened my parent’s lives in their attempts to collect drug money, owed by my brother.
The dealer IS the cancer, not the patient.
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Quoting deb:
I was obviously not referring to cancer patients. Thank you for responding to that ridiculous statement. Couldn’t have said it any better if I tried. My condolences to you on the loss of your mother.
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Quoting deb:
These “little fucks” are doing the bidding of bigger fucks who control the drug trade, all of whom are trying to make a buck like the CEOs and politicians. My “cancer patient” remark was in reference to those in the throes of addiction who constitute the staggering majority of the “drug offences” to which this fellow had alluded. These “little fucks” to whom you refer are no different than our “heroes” in uniform who fight and die at the behest of their corporate overlords. Calling them a “cancer” on society doesn’t begin to address the problem; they’re someone’s children, too.
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“These “little fucks” to whom you refer are no different than our “heroes” in uniform who fight and die at the behest of their corporate overlords.”
I don’t know what I feel more baffled by: Being referred to as a hero or of having Corporate overlords.
I wonder if my overlord is hiring?
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Quoting misinformation:
It’s not those in the throes of addiction who are acting like big shots, driving around in luxury cars shooting each other out the windows and in restaurants…it’s the guys supplying it to them. The addicts are sitting in a run down house or back alley somewhere, too caught up in their own thing to care about any of it. For the most part, not bothering anyone unless it’s when they steal stuff to get money for the next hit. They don’t give a flying fuck about image or what they wear or drive as referred to in this post (mostly it’s just run down bikes with baby carts full of bottles and shit hooked on the back). So you’ve missed the mark there….got the wrong group.
Having sympathy for these “children” also doesn’t begin to address the problem. They needed a good swift kick in the ass long ago and then maybe they would’ve learned a thing or two about respect. I honestly don’t care whose children they are, they’re still little fucks to me.