Burning Bush

The following is the text of George W. Bush’s canned endorsement speech, given at the Republican Convention last night… along with snarky, juvenile, condescending, patronizing, passive-aggressive, downright mean, and unnecessary comments in italics by yours truly…

Good evening. As you know, my duties have me here in Washington tonight to oversee the Federal government’s efforts to help citizens recover from Hurricane Gustav.

And mostly because Hurricane Gustav is a great excuse for keeping the national embarrassment from actually appearing at the convention… And he can say “Brownie, you’re doing a heck of a job” right from the Oval Office…

We are thankful that the damage in New Orleans and across the Gulf Coast was less than many had feared. I commend the Governors of Alabama, Louisiana, Mississippi, and Texas for their sure-handed response and seamless coordination with the Federal government. I thank all of the wonderful volunteers who stepped forward to help their brothers and sisters in need. We know that there is still risk even after the storm has passed. So I ask citizens across the region to listen closely to local officials and follow their instructions before returning to their homes.

Or the good folks from Blackwater will shoot you…

All of us are keeping the people of the Gulf Coast in our thoughts and prayers. As you gather tonight in Saint Paul, I want to share some thoughts about our nominee – a great American, and the next President of the United States, John McCain.

You know… the guy he shamelessly fucked over for the nomination in 2000…

Before I do so, I want to say hello to two people in the hall with you tonight. I could have no finer examples of character, decency, and integrity than my mom and dad.

Note to George… must find better examples of character, decency, and integrity…

I know what it takes to be president. In these past eight years, I’ve sat at the Resolute Desk and reviewed the daily intelligence briefings, the threat assessments, and the reports from our commanders on the front lines.

As long as Condi reads them to him by the fire and they aren’t more than a page long… (in order to not tax his gnat-like attention span)

I’ve stood in the ruins of buildings knocked down by killers, and promised the survivors I would never let them down.

George W. Bush’s definition of never letting someone down: Letting someone down.

I know the hard choices that fall solely to a president.

Which is why he lets Dick Cheney make them instead…

John McCain’s life has prepared him to make those choices. He is ready to lead this nation. From the day of his commissioning, John McCain was a respected naval officer who made decisions on which the lives of others depended.

When he wasn’t crashing planes or graduating near the bottom of his class at Annapolis…

As an elected public servant, he earned the respect of colleagues in both parties as a man to follow when there is a tough call to make.

Which is a nice way of saying he floats with the prevailing wind…

John McCain’s life is a story of service above self. Forty years ago in an enemy prison camp, Lieutenant Commander McCain was offered release ahead of others who had been held longer. His wounds were so severe that anyone would have understood if he had accepted. John refused. For that selfless decision, he suffered nearly five more years of beatings and isolation. When he was finally released, his arms had been broken, but not his honor. Fellow citizens: If the Hanoi Hilton could not break John McCain’s resolve to do what is best for his country, you can be sure the angry left never will.

Not that the left has anything to be angry about…

As the father of seven sons and daughters, John has the heart of a protector. He and his wonderful wife, Cindy, are adoptive parents. John is a leader who knows that human life is fragile, that human life is precious, that human life must be defended.

Except for when that human life consists of whomever Bush considers to be evildoers… or the innocent children of evildoers… or Texas death row inmates…

We have seen John McCain’s commitment to principle in our Nation’s capital. John is a steadfast opponent of wasteful spending.

George W. Bush’s definition of wasteful spending: Anything not spent on the military industrial complex…

As president, he will stand up to the high-tax crowd in Congress and make the tax relief permanent.

Because dammit, the rich simply cannot afford to pay more taxes…

He will invest in the energy technologies of tomorrow and lift the ban on drilling for America’s offshore oil today.

George W. Bush’s definition of the technologies of tomorrow: Oil, coal, oil, coal, and oil… and oil…

John is an independent man who thinks for himself.

Not necessarily a bonus… for proof of that, just look at who he picked as his running mate…

He’s not afraid to tell you when he disagrees. No matter what the issue, this man is honest and speaks straight from the heart.

Like when he told his overweight and handicapped first wife that he was leaving her for a wealthy blonde beer heiress…

Last year, John McCain’s independence and character helped change history. The Democrats had taken control of Congress and were threatening to cut off funds for our troops.

But luckily for John, the Democrats have no spine and voted for the funding anyway, fearing that they wouldn’t look “patriotic” if they actually ended the war… you remember… what they promised the American people in the 2006 election…?

In the face of calls for retreat, I ordered a surge of forces into Iraq. Many in Congress said it had no chance of working.

Yup, if by working you mean walled up sectarian enclaves, a couple of suicide bombings a week, Sunnis taking our money, rearming and momentarily fading into the woodwork while Shiite death squads finish up their ethic cleansing…

Yet one senator above all had faith in our troops and the importance of their mission, and that was John McCain. Some told him that his early and consistent call for more troops would put his presidential campaign at risk.

At risk? really? Americans are pretty simple… they love empty macho rhetoric… after all, they did re-elect Bush in 2004…

He told them he would rather lose an election than see his country lose a war. That is the kind of courage and vision we need in our next commander-in-chief.

George W. Bush’s definition of courage and vision: Continuing to blindly follow a failed policy regardless of its results…

My fellow citizens, we live in a dangerous world.

And he’s made it more dangerous…

And we need a president who understands the lessons of September 11, 2001: that to protect America, we must stay on the offense, stop attacks before they happen, and not wait to be hit again.

George W. Bush’s definition of offense: 4,100+ dead troops, 30,000+ maimed, countless dead Iraqi civilians, 2 million internally displaced Iraqis, 2 million Iraqi refugees, $800 billion, and a country with virtually no electricity or clean water… TOUCHDOWN!!!

The man we need is John McCain. When he takes office next January, John will have an outstanding leader at his side.

A great leader? Who? Abraham Lincoln? Is Gandhi coming back from the dead? Anyone seen Alexander the Great? Nebuchadnezzar? Hello? Is this thing on?

America will have a strong and principled vice president in the governor of the great state of Alaska, Sarah Palin.

PRINCIPLED?!?!? I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit…

In the time the Oval Office has been in my trust, I have kept near my desk reminders of America’s character – including a painting of a West Texas mountain lit by the morning sun. It reminds me that Americans have always lived on the sunrise side of the mountain.

He keeps the Mexicans on the sunset side…

We are a nation that looks to the new day with confidence and optimism.

Because we have conveniently learned to ignore reality…

I am optimistic about our future, because I believe in the goodness and wisdom of the American people.

I’m not sure the rest of the planet is quite so optimistic…

I am optimistic because I have faith in freedom’s power to lift up all of God’s children and lead this world to a future of peace.

A peace full of air strikes, oil wars, cholera and the sweet fragrant smell of cordite in the air…

And I am optimistic about something else: When the debates have ended, and all the ads have run, and it is time to vote, Americans will look closely at the judgment, the experience, and the policies of the candidates, and they will cast their ballots for the McCain-Palin ticket.

Yes… For we are a nation suffering from battered wife syndrome…

While I am not with you in the Twin Cities on this wonderful night for our party, with Laura Bush speaking, you have clearly traded up.

Not hard to do…

I am so proud the American people have come to know her gracious presence, her determined spirit, and her loving heart. Laura has been a fantastic first lady. Thank you, Laura, and thanks to all of you in the hall tonight.

All hail the frumpy librarian…

God bless you, and God bless America.

Lord bless us indeed…