Did I miss something? Have I lived the last thirty-eight years in the dark? Were my parents on speed? Were their parents? Moreover, was my generation on speed? I recall there being speed, and that people did it from time to time, but I don’t recall it ever being consumed in epic proportions.
I mention this because I just went to the store to buy a bottle of ice tea. You know, just a lovely bottle of lemon infused ice tea to enjoy. But do you think there was a single bottle of it available? Not a chance. Making ice tea available would mean that there wouldn’t be enough room for the 3,487,942 different brands of energy drinks that, I assume, people drink in such staggering quantities that demand is so high as to render ice tea a thing of the past.
Where, exactly, did all of these energy drinks come from? Why do we need them? What exactly do they do? If I wanted to run around like a two-year-old hopped up on sugar, I’d take speed. Less refreshing I suppose, but at least it does the job for an extended period of time. I mean, why bother drinking MONSTER BRAND ENERGY ROCKSTAR PLUS or MEGA-ULTRA LIQUID LIGHTNING ENERGY DRINK when you can just take speed? Hell, take speed and then drink some water. Better results, less hassle.
I realize that some people like to mix energy drinks with alcohol, which, if you think about it, is like hitting yourself in the head with a hammer just so you can use your new first-aid kit. Why not skip it and just take speed? It’ll get you high, it lasts longer, the hangover isn’t as bad, it costs less, and it’s easy to carry. No need for a cooler or fridge for your vodka and your energy drinks – just a pill or two in your pocket.
That said, where is it that everyone’s going in such a hurry anyway?
