As we’re all aware by now, unless you ignore the news entirely, the North Koreans have conducted an underground nuclear test that produced an earthquake that registered 4.5 on the Richter scale. As one might expect, the test has produced widespread international condemnation. According to an unnamed US official, Pyongyang provided less than an hour’s notice of the test to Washington, which, as we’re all aware, just won’t do because, as is always the case, the United States informs absolutely everyone before it tests anything.
That said, it should be noted that the Comprehensive Nuclear Test Ban Treaty Organisation have been unable to determine if the explosion was, in fact, a nuclear test. They were able to state that the test produced the afore mentioned seismic activity, but could not confirm whether a nuclear explosion was responsible for it. Obviously, Pyongyang did conduct a nuclear test, being that to fake something of that magnitude they would have had to detonate upwards of 15 kilotons of high explosives to produce a similar result – which would be one hell of a bluff.
The North Korean government walked out of six party talks not long ago after the UN condemned them for launching what Pyongyang said was a satellite but Western powers claimed was a missile test.
Given the data that has, as of today, been largely ball-parked by various nations, the explosion produced by the test was roughly equal to that of Fat Man or Little Boy – meaning the production of a blast yield of some 13 to 18 kilotons. Of course, the next step is for the North Korean regime to produce a reliable intercontinental delivery system and then attack someone – which will probably be accomplished by various high ranking members of the KPA playing a delightful game of pin the tale on the donkey using an enormous map of the world while Kim Jong-il sits on a massive gold and diamond encrusted thrown getting his hair styled and clapping like a 9-year-old girl on her birthday while yelling “hot – cold – warmer – warmer – burning – nope, cold again!”.
I suppose there’s always the chance that Pyongyang could just gift a weapon to al-Qaeda at the next meeting of the Legion Of Doom, which, if you’re a member, takes place this quarter at the luxurious InterContinental Resort Moorea, is BYOB (because Hamas complained that the bill they were stuck with at New Years was astronomical), and features a special after-meeting party featuring Jewel and Adam Lambert. It should, in the words of Omar al-Bashir following last year’s Polynesian Spring Break Blowout thrown by the ETA, be “pretty freaking awesome”. As usual, RSVP well in advance (I’m looking at you, Karimov!).
Now that I have tipped off every major intelligence agency as to the location of the upcoming event (or did I?), there are a few things that everyone should begin practicing in the event that Pyongyang decides to lob an intercontinental missile at North America because, as we’re all aware, megalomaniacs just love the idea of the their own annihilation.

First – get under a desk as quickly as possible. Decades of in-depth scientific research have proven that desks offer the greatest protection in the event of a nuclear attack.

Second – have a nap. You’re going to be down there a while and with nuclear winter looming just around the corner you’re going to need your rest.

Third – when the dust settles, go outside and look up to see if a gigantic version of Jesus’ head is floating in space crying.

Fourth – remember that after a nuclear attack the sun will be blocked out so the likelihood of Morlocks leaving their subterranean realm increases a million fold. Morlocks eat people, so they could very well attempt to eat you, a family member, or a friend.

Fifth – your best defense against a Morlock attack is full plate armour, preferably magical armour (if you can get your hands on it), and a large war horse.
Obviously, the post-nuclear ‘to do’ list is considerable. To be honest, the chances of you surviving more than a month are roughly 1% (which is a figure adjusted to take into account Morlock attacks coupled with extremely limited access to full plate armour – magical or otherwise – and warhorses). That said, take some solace in the fact that while the North Koreans were successful in decimating one or two targets, the world’s major powers responded with such an overwhelming counterstrike that those few survivors left on the Korean peninsula will spend the last 72 hours of their lives wandering through a barren landscape as their flesh falls off of their bodies.
Fear not, the desk embargo that much of the world has had in place against North Korea for decades will pay off.