This is seriously one of the best satirical websites of all time. Click around and have some interactive fun with the kids…

- Palin As President

Oh, and I just watched Mongol. Thumbs up.

I’m not going to lie, I’m a little disconcerted this evening. The latest polls show Obama a point ahead of McCain, the first time he’s retaken the lead since the Republican National Convention.

Not that polls are all that accurate.

In this instance I hope that there’s a 10% margin of error, and that that margin favours McCain. I already have a first class ticket to London burning a hole in my travel agent’s pocket, so he’d better win, cause that shit ain’t cheap.

Hey, did you know that in a single year the number of people living on the edge of emergency around the world has doubled? That’s 220 million people.

Just thought I’d throw that out there. Don’t get me wrong, I have enough to eat, so it’s not like I spend a lot of time worrying about it. And as long as my soon to be ex-escort bride watches her figure then I don’t see any point allowing it to give me an ulcer. Seriously, I’m one man. What chance does one man have at finding happiness in this world growing beets in Southern Italy with an ex-European escort, let alone solving the world’s hunger problems?

I find it incredibly strange that there’s a fast food restaurant on almost every corner in the free world and yet there aren’t any in those places where people are starving. If you think about it from an economic standpoint it’s a win-win. Open 10,000 fast food restaurants in sub-Saharan Africa and staff all of them with people that need assistance – your customer base would be unshakable being that your employees, their families, the employees of other fast food restaurants, and their families, would eat every meal at fast food restaurants. I don’t really see what the problem is. Hell, if fast food can keep most of North America’s poor alive, and obese, then it can certainly do the same thing overseas. And let’s face it, obesity is a much easier problem to address than starvation.

I think I might have just inadvertently solved the world’s hunger crisis. Ulcer definitely averted.

George Bush or children’s television…

President George Walker Bush has a great deal in common with children’s television. As we’re all aware, children’s television commonly focuses on the development of the imagination and the employment of rudimentary language and hyperbole. In doing so, it often presents outlandish scenarios that are constructed on the fantastical – such as large yellow birds that are able to speak to invisible elephants. Interestingly, President Bush also presents outlandish scenarios constructed on the fantastical, though I cannot confirm that he engages in conversations with invisible elephants – though I wouldn’t be shocked to learn that he does.

Like children’s television, President Bush, who has unfortunately been gifted the moniker of the world’s most powerful man, commonly addresses audiences employing scripted, teleprompter aided, fifth grade level vocabulary. Unlike children’s television, which is also scripted, President Bush commonly has trouble successfully giving a speech without making errors.

Unlike children’s television, the fantasies promoted by President Bush do not involve talking roosters that live in bags or trains that transport the public to a land of make believe. Of course, like children’s television, the Bush administration does employ puppets.

Unlike children’s television there is only one lesson to be learned from Mr. Bush’s Presidency. Children’s television, on the other hand, mixes it up and commonly focuses on something new in each episode.

On occasion, characters on children’s shows sometimes perish or are injured in attempt to teach children about mortality or safety. Mr. Bush’s Presidency shares this similarity in that it has killed and injured thousands of children.

Like children’s television, Mr. Bush’s Presidency acts as a reminder to thousands of mothers across the United States - that their children are gone.

Canada’s urban homie squads or the Taliban…

When you’re a hard ass urban gangster, fear isn’t an issue. Unless, of course, you’re faced with hardened fanatics actually returning fire rather than peeing their pants when you produce whatever handgun you’ve illegally acquired because your penis is only 2 inches fully erect.

Let’s cut the shit – the truth is that you wear bad clothes, have access to 24 hour drive through, listen to horrible music in your Escalade at a volume that ensures that everyone within a two-mile radius can hear it, and peddle drugs simply so that you can flash a wad and make yourself look like you’re anything but the unintelligent, drug dealing, lowlife that you actually are. Because that’s what you do, homie-clause – you deal drugs.

You’re a hard ass.

The Taliban, on the other hand, grow and sell drugs while living in the wilderness dodging air strikes, have successfully held off the militaries of major world powers for years, and do it all without enjoying the crooning of Fiddy Cent. Unlike you, who strut around like you’re invincible, the Taliban are hardened fighters that can draw on a considerable history of actually being hard asses. Hell, these are cats that used to have women run over by tanks in football stadiums. What have you done lately, tough guy?

The truth of the matter is that your pathetic ass should be marched down to the nearest CF recruiting station and subsequently shipped off to Afghanistan so that you can come face to face with real hard asses. You can opine on your life of crime back in the land of milk and honey with your fellow soldiers while you’re taking incoming mortar, small arms, and RPG fire whilst not trying to piss yourself. It’s a far cry from partying, peddling coke, and playing Guitar Hero until five in the morning.

You are, without a doubt – hard. Make no mistake about it. Let’s face it; anyone that consciously chooses a life of crime must be a Mensa member, there’s just no two ways about it. Two, by the way, is the equivalent of one and one – so imagine you’re selling to two different customers and add that together.

The police, or the five-0 as you so lovingly refer to them, are laughable in your eyes. That’s why, in my humble opinion, JTF2 should be appointed the task of dealing with you.

Forget due process, The Charter, and all of that other horseshit. The boys in Joint Task Force Two should just be given a mandate to hunt your ass down and dispose of you. Personally, it would make fantastic reality television. Unlike you, they have access to a wide variety of wonderful toys and are actually trained in their use. Just imagine Canada’s version of the SAS painting the back of your head all over the entrance to your crib when you step out your front door– and all without a sound made.

Nature or al-Qaeda…

Which, you might be asking yourself, is the greater terrorist threat? Since 9/11, al-Qaeda has taken no direct responsibility for any major terrorist action, not even the London bombings. And while groups in Iraq are allegedly aligned with al-Qaeda, the chances that they’re receiving direct orders from Osama bin Laden - by way of anything up to and including Morse code - is a stretch.

Nature, on the other hand, is a completely different matter altogether. It has recently devastated swaths of Burma, China, and countless other places. In fact, since 9/11, it has been responsible for one of the most deadly attacks in modern history – the Southeast Asian Tsunami. It pulled off Katrina, the earthquake in Pakistan, devastating floods throughout Latin America, and a plethora of other deadly attacks.

Let’s face the truth – it’s time to declare a ‘War On Nature’.

Nature is, without question, the most prominent member of the Axis of Evil. It needn’t a nuclear capability, nor can nuclear weapons defend against its evil designs. In truth, were nuclear weapons employed against nature, it would only work to nature’s advantage – by killing more people.

Were the leadership of al-Qaeda smart it would align itself with nature. No matter how many Infidels al-Qaeda wishes dead - nature can kill more. The 2004 tsunami alone killed 250,000 people, roughly 247,000 more people than 9/11. Exploiting its access to tectonic plates, sub-aquatic volcanoes, and the ocean, nature’s terrorist attack of December 26th, 2004, was immense in its scope and planning. Interestingly, compared to al-Qaeda’s estimated $500,000 budget employed to orchestrate the attacks of 9/11, the attack of 26/04 cost nature nothing.

In conclusion, our resources are being wasted in the wrong area. While some might consider al-Qaeda a threat, nature is far more troublesome and should be made the number one priority of every freedom-loving nation on earth.

Bottom line – nature not only hates freedom, it hates everyone and everything. Therefore it’s high time that we view nature for the terrorist that it is.

When it comes to hockey I have a dirty little secret. I’m a Habs fan. And nothing makes a Habs fan more happy than seeing them stick it to Boston in the first two games of the opening round of the playoffs. Granted, last night’s game was won in overtime and was nowhere near the thrashing that game one was, but I’ll take it nonetheless. This season the Canadiens have gone undefeated against Boston, winning all eight encounters, which obviously puts Montreal in a rather advantageous psychological position, even more so now that they have taken the first two games.

The Canadiens have played the Bruins more times than any other two teams in NHL history. In post season play, the have faced the Bruins thirty times, winning twenty-three of their meetings.

Of course, Canadiens history is storied and, when put into historical perspective, utterly ominous. Being that the franchise is currently headed by two of its greats, it’s no wonder that this year’s team has been infused with a sense of what it means to pull that jersey over their heads.

So why am I a Canadiens fan? Well, when my father came to Canada in the fifties there were only six teams in the NHL. Of those six, only two were Canadian. So my father, like any sane individual, became a Habs fan and remains one to this day. Hell, he even watches them in French when they’re spurned by Hockey Night In Canada, which is quite often given that the CBC has a secret arrangement with the Leafs organization to televise all of their games on Hockey Night In Canada no matter how bad they are.

In short, growing up we watched the Canadiens play – which would be prior to the CBC having their tongues up the ass of the Leafs organization. Between 1976 and 1979 the Canadiens would win the Stanley Cup four times in a row with what was, arguably, one of the best teams in hockey history. Only the New York Islanders dynasty of the early 80’s and the Ottawa Senators between 1903 and 1906 have ever matched the Canadiens four in a row record, though no other team has ever won the Stanley Cup five consecutive seasons in a row, which the Canadiens did between 1956 and 1960. And prior to their four consecutive wins in the mid to late 70’s, they would also win the cup in 73, 71, 69, and 68.

While they haven’t won the Stanley Cup since 1993, a fact that Hab-haters like to point out whenever they’re reminded of the fact that the rafters at the Molson Centre can’t been seen because there’s too many championship banners obscuring them from view, there’s simply no questioning the fact that the Canadiens, probably more than any team, embody the spirit of hockey excellence. And personally, you can take your Wayne Gretzky diatribes and go cry in a beer on White Avenue.

To be honest, when this country adopted our current flag in 1965, an immense mistake was made. Let me provide an example.

And guess who won the Stanley Cup in 1965? That’s right, the Montreal Canadiens.

The Truth Vs. The Mainstream Media

It’s good to know that there is a media outlet out there that still tells it like it is. A few examples.

The Truth About Darfur

How Can We Raise Awareness In Darfur Of How Much We’re Doing For Them?

The Truth About 9/11

9/11 Conspiracy Theories ‘Ridiculous,’ Al Qaeda Says

The Bias Of Censorship

FCC Okays Nudity On TV If It2019s Alyson Hannigan

There’s no doubt that Henry Rollins is a brilliant guy. But proof never hurts…

I want to become a soldier of the new right-wing. It seems far simpler than the alternatives. Answers to problems are solved in the simplest of ways – through xenophobic ignorance, through the use of aggression, and, my personal favourite, yelling.

History prior to 9/11 has ceased to exist, unless it’s history that condemns those that have the annoying habit of bringing up history prior to 9/11. To be honest, it’s a fresh new approach that I’m entirely enamored with. Historical culpability-be-damned, it’s the dawning of a whole new era, and in it the new right-wing doesn’t need to be weighed down by the inconveniences of the past. The world is now defined by those that are Islamofacists, or their bleeding heart apologists, and those that stand for all that is right and good in the world.

It is, to be honest, like a breath of fresh air in a world inhabited by moonbat fanatics that would have all of us living under Sharia law if they had their way. Either that or in societies where gays and lesbians forced their unholy lifestyles on the majority, not to mention a myriad of other politically correct nonsense.

Rather than reading the wholly traitorous literature of notorious liberal academics, the new right-wing has champions that cut through their façades like warm butter and tell it like it is. Best selling authors such as Sean Hannity, Anne Coulter, and Bill O’Reilly represent brave new voices of change and awareness that provide readers with no nonsense examinations of the real world, while the airwaves are filled with the voices of those, such as Rush Limbaugh, that have the courage to speak truth to the great liberal echo chamber that would have us all in chains.

Yes, the time has at last come to make the change. Instead of having to spend a portion of each day researching issues, I can now simply post hyperlinks and ramble on in an entirely uninhibited fashion, completely devoid of worry. Facts-be-damned; facts only serve to convolute. The revolution has no need of facts, only fact free warriors bent on wielding the sword of freedom wherever she needs to be unsheathed.

Thus, onward new right-wing soldiers. In thankless solidarity we will scourge the world of the great diseases of Islamofascism, liberalism, and a whole host of other ‘isms’. And when our work is done, and those that oppose us are dispatched, we will have helped forge a better tomorrow for all those that love freedom.

Kilimanjaro, Everest, McKinnley, two girls in a random photograph taken from the internet. Mountains are everywhere. Some are naturally formed; some are man made for purposes of recreation. There have been food franchises started based on them, even entire medical practices started to facilitate their growth. Some are home to variety of wildlife; some are home to tattoos of a variety of wildlife. There are those you want to climb just to say you reached the top because they’re just too big, and others that you revisit because they offer a challenging experience that is worth repeating without straining yourself.

There are times when specialized gear is needed to conquer them, when you have to take precautions because their rock hard surfaces can cause injury. There are other times when they give way, allowing you to ascend without worrying about being accidentally knocked unconscious because of loose footing causing a sudden change in direction.

Some contend that harnesses are essential when climbing; others prefer to take a more traditional approach and simply use rope. A variety of packs and sacks, of course, are always required, and should never be forgotten or overlooked.

Ultimately, the point is the view. That is the primary reason to conquer such heights. While the ascent may be challenging, the view from the top is always the best part.

According to a recent study…

“Taking exercise, drinking moderately, eating sufficient fruit and vegetables and not smoking can add as much as 14 years to your life.”

The research behind the report included 20,000 people and took over a decade. Its conclusions were that those who failed to do all of the above were four times more likely to have died earlier.

Call me crazy, but I just can’t get behind this. Here’s why…

Exercise

Exercise is overrated. Millions of people go to the gym, partake in countless physical activities, and where has it gotten them?

Nowhere! Besides maybe adding 14 years to their lives, but that’s neither here nor there.

Just think of what you could be doing with your time rather than exercising…

1) Watching other people exercise with a nice spiked coffee.

2) Dreaming of exercising only to awake to find that it’s 2 in the afternoon, you’re in bed, comfortable, and not exhausted from exercising.

3) Having sex - which is better than jogging or a stair master if you do it right.

4) Eating totally greasy, yet utterly delicious, food and ‘food-like’ products.

5) Writing about not exercising while chain smoking and contemplating ordering MSG packed Chinese food.

Drinking Moderately

I actually agree with this. Not because the consumption of too much alcohol is bad for your health, just that it makes people stupid, which is bad for mine.

Eating Sufficient Fruits And Vegetables

I like fruit, it’s easy to eat and you don’t have to cook it. I like vegetables, but unlike fruit you have to cook a lot of them, which is a huge hassle.

True, there are a lot of vegetables that can be eaten raw, but without a massive amount of dip what’s really the point?

Smoking

Smoking is a horrible and disgusting habit that harms not only the smoker but also those around them. Which is precisely the reason why you should be allowed to smoke on airplanes, in doctor’s offices, hospitals, preschools, and Lamaze classes.

14 Extra Years

So, you’ll get an extra 14 years. And do you know what you’ll be doing during most of them? Ridding one of these to bingo…

…and bitching about still being alive.